Different day, same room. My ears had gotten used to the dim buzzing of the white lights above me. I had lost track of the number of days I’ve been here. In fact, I’m not sure if I had a life before this place. I refused to believe that my only purpose was here, in this room.
I’m human. At least I think I am.
I knew in my heart and soul that I was destined for something greater and more important. Most of the silent hours of the day, I spent daydreaming of what I would do once I escaped. Emphasize daydreaming; because I had never gotten the nerve to actually escape.
All that accompanied me in this cold, fluorescent room was a one-way mirror that almost covered the whole wall across from me. I looked at myself in this chair, strapped in. I admired my hair and soft skin. I wondered if there was a man behind the mirror right now; admiring me the same way I do myself. After all, am I worth anything if others don't see it too?
The door swung open as a new face walked into the room. At this hour, a man always comes in to check my heart rate, temperature, pulse, the usuals. This man was painfully similar to the other doctors. He had a scruffy beard and a gut that peaked over this belt. However, his eyes were fresh. They looked at me with care and solace.
He greeted me and whispered, “I’ve had my eyes on you for a while…”
My entire body froze except for my eyes as they gazed at the mirror. I was flattered beyond belief. My body wasn’t used to such small talk, especially with a stranger. We weren’t really strangers anymore though, were we?
“Have you?” were the only words that were able to reach my lips.
“Yes.” He reached his stethoscope on my bare skin. We were close as I took a deep breath for him. I breathed in and out, the silence was much less lonely with someone else.
I was so sick of the mirror and staring at myself and the bright light and the buzz of it and the putrid voice that comes out of the speaker above me. I got so entirely sick to my stomach that I squeezed out of my restraints. Now, I was still locked in this white room. In no way was I free, but I felt liberated. I didn’t know my end goal. I didn’t know what was out there but I just wanted to see. I didn’t care if they pounded their voice until my ears hurt or hit me until my skin was purple. In the end, it seemed that it would all be worth it.
Worth it to feel something.
As my arms slipped out I looked at him with questioning eyes, can I do this in front of you? He put his supplies down, of course, you can.
He shouldn’t have spoken to me, especially in that way. I stood up out of my chair and looked up at him. He was significantly taller than me and it made me feel so small. I was so tired of being small and the anger welled up inside me the more we stared into each other’s eyes. He picked up my hand, traced his finger from my thumb, and slowly made his way up to my wrists.
“Those straps leave quite the mark huh?”
“Why don’t you try them?” I whispered so lightly at the floor.
He laughed and started to lean into my lips. I panicked and quickly backed away. “Come on, try them out for yourself,” I said it as a joke like we were playing around.
He shrugged and gave me a childish smile. He sat down in my chair and I strapped him in. His trust in me was so sincere it made me smile, genuinely. I leaned down over him and gave him a kiss. He held my face and kept going for it. It was sweet but far from a fantasy. His beard and smell caused me to have to hold myself from gagging. But the thought of him lusting after me was what kept me going. I told him to hush and close his eyes, I had a surprise for him. He trusted me so wholly that I almost felt guilty. I kissed him and went down his neck to seal the deal. Then, ever so slightly, I tiptoed outside of the door.
I had done it. I didn’t have time for awe, instead, I friskily walked down the hall. I squinted my eyes as it adjusted to the dark hallway. My eyes scanned the rooms I passed, taking up all the information I could about this world. My heart jittered, I was here! I escaped!
A sign read: EXIT
I freely ran through the door, ready to greet the outside world. The sun blazed down on me like an oven and my eyes were shocked at the sight of natural light. Not white, but yellow.
I started to sob uncontrollably. How could I be such an idiot?
There was nothing.
Nothing but dryland. No people or trees or flowers or puddles or clouds. No freedom.
My bare feet started to run to the skyline. The ground was hot and dry. Tumbleweeds greeted me and my feet cracked. My legs only took me about 100 meters until I collapsed. I hid my face in the dirt, creating balls of tears coated dirt. The heat burned down on me. It hurt. I never thought I could miss the cold air conditioning of that white room.
After I had settled down I stood up to look at the building. My home. I always thought about leaving but never noticed the comfort of staying. They yell and hurt and hit and make me cry until I have no choice but to do what they say. It was familiar and safe for me. Not being free kept me wishful. What is there to dream of if I have everything?