Young Writers Society

HELLO! <3 I saw this in the literary section and was curious about what the story is on, so I decided to check it out and leave you a review! ^_^ I'm just going to get right into it and then leave my general thoughts at the end!

She gazed blankly out of the window and ruminated on the car smell that sickened her stomach.

Not long before, her father had transported all of the waste from the garden from their old flat to the tip- stones and pebbles and also, unfortunately, rotten bird seed.

How she dreamed of snow- but couldn't bring herself to imagine those without homes or radiators to protect them from the coming Winter.

Looking at the sea in the distance, with the familiar boats tucked away on the shore as land rolled away from her vision, greeted by new sights, she had a feeling that displeased her more than all the others she had before.

But looking at the sky, she then realised that she to had unheard pleas and cried to the heavens.

And those empty trees will someday blossom too.

Adjusting her posture, she smiled and, resting her head on her hands and propping herself comfortably using the car door, she listened to the hum of the engine and observed the snow that had just started falling.

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay...this was a really interest story to say the least. There was some great description scattered throughout this and I loved the emotions that you tried to capture in this this too. It's not really much of a story with any actual plot but then it still does leave you with a pleasant feeling.

Anyway let's get right to it,

She gazed blankly out of the window and ruminated on the car smell that sickened her stomach. Not long before, her father had transported all of the waste from the garden from their old flat to the tip- stones and pebbles and also, unfortunately, rotten bird seed. The strong smell of bird droppings that her father had desperately tried to cover with air purifier was not very appealing.

She watched her mother in the side mirror- she adored her strong features and bold facial expressions. And her bold character too. But sometimes that was not as agreeable. She reminisced on all those times where her sensitive heart buckled under the weight of callous words. But then, she remembered those times of apologies and hugs and knew that whatever happened, her mother was one of the kindest souls on Earth. Diverting her attention to her father, she saw his hands smoothly caress the steering wheel- laden with cracks from the recent cold weather. How she dreamed of snow- but couldn't bring herself to imagine those without homes or radiators to protect them from the coming Winter.

Looking at the sea in the distance, with the familiar boats tucked away on the shore as land rolled away from her vision, greeted by new sights, she had a feeling that displeased her more than all the others she had before. It was a feeling that appeared to be mutually shared as she flicked through her mind like skimming pages of a book of the poems and stories she read that reminded her of this emotion.

Yet still, somehow, it was the loneliest feeling on Earth. As she saw the blank branches of trees by the highway plea to the clouds above, she couldn't help but pity their unheard demands. But looking at the sky, she then realised that she to had unheard pleas and cried to the heavens. Was she just like them, with their lifeless bodies and forgotten voices? But no, she thought, for she was blossoming with talent and beauty. And those empty trees will someday blossom too.

Adjusting her posture, she smiled and, resting her head on her hands and propping herself comfortably using the car door, she listened to the hum of the engine and observed the snow that had just started falling.

Hey illy7896!

My name is Elinor, and I thought I would drop by and give your story a quick review. Thanks for sharing it with us, and I have to say, I really enjoyed reading.

The intent of this story seems to be more so to evoke a feeling rather than to tell a story. In that way, it's more like a poem, but I like that there can be works of art that cross boundaries in this specific way. I think definitely succeeds in evoking that feeling, but that it could be even stronger with a polish in the way you phrase certain things here and there.

Let's take your first paragraph, for instance:

She gazed blankly out of the window and ruminated on the car smell that sickened her stomach. Not long before, her father had transported all of the waste from the garden from their old flat to the tip- stones and pebbles and also, unfortunately, rotten bird seed. The strong smell of bird droppings that her father had desperately tried to cover with air purifier was not very appealing.

Heya!

This is so beautifully descriptive - you are beginning to become one of my favorite authors to read from on here!

I'm going to start setting up my reviews as sections, so I suppose the best way to do that would be to start practicing!

Sentence Structure/Grammar: I...sentence structure is definitely not an issue, for sure a strong suit. The way you form sentences, the places you add commas, how you introduce new subjects...it's just beautiful. For example, this sentence right here has a unique structure, but it's the first of it's kind that I've seen that works:

"Adjusting her posture, she smiled and, resting her head on her hands and propping herself comfortable using the car door, she listened to the hum of the engine and observed the snow that had just started falling."

Usually, if I typed fragments of sentences like that and overlapped them, it would turn out badly. For example:

The bee harvested honey, she stung a human and, turning to go back to her hive using her stinger, she headed back to her home.

The above sentence is harder to read than yours, I guess. Basically, what I wanted to say with that example is:

You're a sentence genius. Lol

tone/mood vs theme: It's very somber because she's leaving, yet very observant because she's taking everything in as she goes. I think this is amazing - I love it so much! It connects the title (Car journey) to your amazing description skills. Well done, I honestly don't know what to critique, and that's - just wow.

3d characters/themes: Of course, this is a snippet, not a full story, but I would read more about this girl - maybe a series of snippets from her life (just an idea)? I love, love, love, love short snippets but know how hard it can be to make the characters within them 3d with no background. With the couple sentences of background you gave, I was able to observe the scene myself like I was sitting in the car with her. Props to you!

Overall: I have nothing to critique - I usually talk too much about commas and sentence structure and proper punctuation, yet this time I rambled about how beautiful the sentences were. Thanks for creating this, I love it, and I know I won't be the last to review it!

Have a good day!

Peace,

Myre