Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Car journey

by illy7896


She gazed blankly out of the window and ruminated on the car smell that sickened her stomach. Not long before, her father had transported all of the waste from the garden from their old flat to the tip- stones and pebbles and also, unfortunately, rotten bird seed. The strong smell of bird droppings that her father had desperately tried to cover with air purifier was not very appealing.

She watched her mother in the side mirror- she adored her strong features and bold facial expressions. And her bold character too. But sometimes that was not as agreeable. She reminisced on all those times where her sensitive heart buckled under the weight of callous words. But then, she remembered those times of apologies and hugs and knew that whatever happened, her mother was one of the kindest souls on Earth. Diverting her attention to her father, she saw his hands smoothly caress the steering wheel- laden with cracks from the recent cold weather. How she dreamed of snow- but couldn't bring herself to imagine those without homes or radiators to protect them from the coming Winter.

Looking at the sea in the distance, with the familiar boats tucked away on the shore as land rolled away from her vision, greeted by new sights, she had a feeling that displeased her more than all the others she had before. It was a feeling that appeared to be mutually shared as she flicked through her mind like skimming pages of a book of the poems and stories she read that reminded her of this emotion.

Yet still, somehow, it was the loneliest feeling on Earth. As she saw the blank branches of trees by the highway plea to the clouds above, she couldn't help but pity their unheard demands. But looking at the sky, she then realised that she to had unheard pleas and cried to the heavens. Was she just like them, with their lifeless bodies and forgotten voices? But no, she thought, for she was blossoming with talent and beauty. And those empty trees will someday blossom too.

Adjusting her posture, she smiled and, resting her head on her hands and propping herself comfortably using the car door, she listened to the hum of the engine and observed the snow that had just started falling.


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Thu Feb 18, 2021 10:23 pm
starlitmind wrote a review...



HELLO! <3 I saw this in the literary section and was curious about what the story is on, so I decided to check it out and leave you a review! ^_^ I'm just going to get right into it and then leave my general thoughts at the end!

She gazed blankly out of the window and ruminated on the car smell that sickened her stomach.


I love your opening sentence - you've already established the sentence, the conflict, and also used some lovely word choice, even throwing in some alliteration! :p

Not long before, her father had transported all of the waste from the garden from their old flat to the tip- stones and pebbles and also, unfortunately, rotten bird seed.


this is really nitpicky, but I thought I'd point it out because your story is already super good, so there's not much to critique! c: the part I bolded is a bit wordy and repetitive - you could change it to something like "all of the waste from their old flat's garden to the..."

How she dreamed of snow- but couldn't bring herself to imagine those without homes or radiators to protect them from the coming Winter.


Ahh, your language in this story is so good! Your descriptions are so lovely, and I love how you're showing instead of telling - that's so wonderful! c: and I love this little snippet you included; I've already got a great sense of our caring and kindhearted character, even in this short story! I believe, though, that you don't need to capitalize winter! ^_^

Looking at the sea in the distance, with the familiar boats tucked away on the shore as land rolled away from her vision, greeted by new sights, she had a feeling that displeased her more than all the others she had before.


Okay this is my personal preference, so please feel free to ignore if you don't agree! I just wanted to say that I would consider removing the bolded part. It's not really adding anything since we don't know what the new sights are, and we know new sights are coming since the land is rolling away. Also, I felt that the sentence was a little wordy, and taking that part away might help! But again, completely up to you! c:

But looking at the sky, she then realised that she to had unheard pleas and cried to the heavens.


I believe you meant "too" instead of "to" ^^

And those empty trees will someday blossom too.


Ahh love this <3

Adjusting her posture, she smiled and, resting her head on her hands and propping herself comfortably using the car door, she listened to the hum of the engine and observed the snow that had just started falling.


I love this ending! <3

Okay so I have a few ending thoughts for you! ^^

I love the mood this piece encompasses. It was so calm, peaceful, and relaxed. When the narrator propped herself up comfortably, I felt comfortable too. Also, your imagery was so gorgeous! The empty, bare trees + slow falling snow was so gorgeous, and it created a lovely image in my mind. I think the overall atmosphere from this story was my favourite element. I just love how relaxed this made me feel.

One thought I had while reading is the lack of a narrator's name. Sometimes including a name can help readers more easily connect and identify with the piece. Now, I actually like vague pieces, so I'm not telling / suggesting you to add a name! I was just curious if you had a reason for not including a name? I believe that (mostly) every little detail should have some reasoning behind it, and I would love to hear yours! If not, that's perfectly fine too; it's just something to consider while you edit :)

And that's it! Sorry that this review was rather short, but I really don't have much to add! I thought that this piece was gorgeous, and the thoughts the narrator was thinking about were quite profound. I hope to read more from you soon, and I hope this helped! <3




illy7896 says...


Thank you for your review, I like your suggestions. I'm glad that you enjoyed it



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Thu Feb 11, 2021 1:01 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay...this was a really interest story to say the least. There was some great description scattered throughout this and I loved the emotions that you tried to capture in this this too. It's not really much of a story with any actual plot but then it still does leave you with a pleasant feeling.

Anyway let's get right to it,

She gazed blankly out of the window and ruminated on the car smell that sickened her stomach. Not long before, her father had transported all of the waste from the garden from their old flat to the tip- stones and pebbles and also, unfortunately, rotten bird seed. The strong smell of bird droppings that her father had desperately tried to cover with air purifier was not very appealing.


Ooof, that definitely does not seem like a very pleasant smell to be accompanying you on a journey. Lovely touch of description to start there...sets the stage for the whole thing pretty well with that little hint of what they'd been doing earlier.

She watched her mother in the side mirror- she adored her strong features and bold facial expressions. And her bold character too. But sometimes that was not as agreeable. She reminisced on all those times where her sensitive heart buckled under the weight of callous words. But then, she remembered those times of apologies and hugs and knew that whatever happened, her mother was one of the kindest souls on Earth. Diverting her attention to her father, she saw his hands smoothly caress the steering wheel- laden with cracks from the recent cold weather. How she dreamed of snow- but couldn't bring herself to imagine those without homes or radiators to protect them from the coming Winter.


Well...that's quite a touching description of the parent there...definitely tells us what they look like and also what our protagonist thinks of them. Again established this family really well, so far you're doing a wonderful job creating an atmosphere here and establishing the characters.

Looking at the sea in the distance, with the familiar boats tucked away on the shore as land rolled away from her vision, greeted by new sights, she had a feeling that displeased her more than all the others she had before. It was a feeling that appeared to be mutually shared as she flicked through her mind like skimming pages of a book of the poems and stories she read that reminded her of this emotion.


Well...that's an interesting turn of events...now what might this feeling be?

Yet still, somehow, it was the loneliest feeling on Earth. As she saw the blank branches of trees by the highway plea to the clouds above, she couldn't help but pity their unheard demands. But looking at the sky, she then realised that she to had unheard pleas and cried to the heavens. Was she just like them, with their lifeless bodies and forgotten voices? But no, she thought, for she was blossoming with talent and beauty. And those empty trees will someday blossom too.


Well...that seems to be hinting at some unusually deep hidden feelings in there but then I do love the optimism that followed that. Very interesting paragraph that one.

Adjusting her posture, she smiled and, resting her head on her hands and propping herself comfortably using the car door, she listened to the hum of the engine and observed the snow that had just started falling.


Well...that's a peaceful way to end the story...certainly grounds the reader and gives a good sense of things settling down and coming to an end.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a really fun story to read. Its certainly something that leaves you feeling good after reading it. And that's about all I have to say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




illy7896 says...


Thank you so much for your review :)



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Wed Feb 10, 2021 9:38 pm
Elinor wrote a review...



Hey illy7896!

My name is Elinor, and I thought I would drop by and give your story a quick review. Thanks for sharing it with us, and I have to say, I really enjoyed reading.

The intent of this story seems to be more so to evoke a feeling rather than to tell a story. In that way, it's more like a poem, but I like that there can be works of art that cross boundaries in this specific way. I think definitely succeeds in evoking that feeling, but that it could be even stronger with a polish in the way you phrase certain things here and there.

Let's take your first paragraph, for instance:

She gazed blankly out of the window and ruminated on the car smell that sickened her stomach. Not long before, her father had transported all of the waste from the garden from their old flat to the tip- stones and pebbles and also, unfortunately, rotten bird seed. The strong smell of bird droppings that her father had desperately tried to cover with air purifier was not very appealing.


From it, I understand the car smells, but not much else about why you've decided to focus in on this specific car ride. I like how mundane it is, but in writing even the most mundane has a specific purpose. Why isn't the narrator with the father when he's going to run these errands?

What does cleaning out the garden tell us about the passage of the seasons? Furthermore, I am curious about your choice to write this in third rather than first person, as I feel it would be amenable to the latter.

Let me know if you decide to do anything with this story. Keep writing!

Cheers,
Elinor




illy7896 says...


Thank you so much, I haven't thought about it like that. Perhaps I'll change it to first-person, I do agree that that'll make it much more personal and perhaps like you said meaning-full. Thank you so much for your review :)



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Wed Feb 10, 2021 3:22 pm
Myre wrote a review...



Heya!

This is so beautifully descriptive - you are beginning to become one of my favorite authors to read from on here!

I'm going to start setting up my reviews as sections, so I suppose the best way to do that would be to start practicing!

Sentence Structure/Grammar: I...sentence structure is definitely not an issue, for sure a strong suit. The way you form sentences, the places you add commas, how you introduce new subjects...it's just beautiful. For example, this sentence right here has a unique structure, but it's the first of it's kind that I've seen that works:

"Adjusting her posture, she smiled and, resting her head on her hands and propping herself comfortable using the car door, she listened to the hum of the engine and observed the snow that had just started falling."

Usually, if I typed fragments of sentences like that and overlapped them, it would turn out badly. For example:

The bee harvested honey, she stung a human and, turning to go back to her hive using her stinger, she headed back to her home.

The above sentence is harder to read than yours, I guess. Basically, what I wanted to say with that example is:

You're a sentence genius. Lol

tone/mood vs theme: It's very somber because she's leaving, yet very observant because she's taking everything in as she goes. I think this is amazing - I love it so much! It connects the title (Car journey) to your amazing description skills. Well done, I honestly don't know what to critique, and that's - just wow.

3d characters/themes: Of course, this is a snippet, not a full story, but I would read more about this girl - maybe a series of snippets from her life (just an idea)? I love, love, love, love short snippets but know how hard it can be to make the characters within them 3d with no background. With the couple sentences of background you gave, I was able to observe the scene myself like I was sitting in the car with her. Props to you!

Overall: I have nothing to critique - I usually talk too much about commas and sentence structure and proper punctuation, yet this time I rambled about how beautiful the sentences were. Thanks for creating this, I love it, and I know I won't be the last to review it!

Have a good day!

Peace,

Myre




illy7896 says...


Wow thank you so much, that's so kind of you!! I would be absolutely happy to create more short stories using this character. Thank you so much for your kind review :)



Myre says...


Of course!




There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy.
— William Shakespeare