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Earth and Gag Halfrunt

by illy7896


Gag Halfrunt was a born psychiatrist. In his early years, he had often talked with his friends, family and even siblings- discussing their emotions and finding ways to fix solutions. Indeed, he was good at that. Of course, not just the mind-numbing revelations and obvious conclusions that drew nothing about the true dilemma of consciousness, but fixing things. And, what he was even better at: fixing things that didn’t need to be fixed- and the human mind was the perfect instrument to play around with. After-all, isn’t it healthy to bring up the dark recesses of a person’s soul and  make them quiver in despondence for their newly-founded depression all for the bargain of a 100 pounds an hour? He sure as hell thought so. Therefore, when he had ordered the demolition of the harmless and innocent assumed planet Earth that was in truth a breathing and thinking supercomputer, he had made no hesitance whatsoever.

‘I want that bypass! Do you hear me? Otherwise, I’ll be put out of busine-’ he paused, withdrew his fist from the table and regained his calm composure, wriggling in his seat in anticipation and looking vaguely to the screen. Staring at the empty cup with the leafy remnants of his drink slipping down the side, he knew that he shouldn't have had some Capacious Succulent Bewildered Iced Tea when his nerves were this jittery. Peering into the mug with the corners of his 3 left- handed eyes, he could see the cold ice blocks dissipating, screeching as they looked up at him desperately. Their pupils darted around the smooth texture of his cup, until finally all that was left was an eerie sludge of marsh-like water. He shivered in distaste and concentrated on the Vogon.

‘This bypass needs to be built. It’s essential for the progression of the Galaxy. Otherwise, Light Years knows what will happen next. Earth.Needs.To.Be.Destroyed. Surely such a charming and intellectual gentleman like you would hold no remorse for such a savage kind of species as humanity?’ His smile became even toothier, and you could see his two tongues slide along the snowy white rectangles as he hid his disgust watching the commander scratch his rear and then eat a baby Piippsqueak with the very same hand only for the fur to drool along his slimy scales that somewhat mildly represented something of a chin. Still, he grinned.

The Captain looked at him tentatively, unsure of Halfrunt’s demands. But, if he said it with a smile and a cheery tone, what harm could they be? But then again, a smile and a cheery tone was never what he looked for in a person. He found that rather unattractive. The Captain gagged, reminiscing on all the pretty women that he had seen with flowers in their hair and beautiful dresses, topped with eyes that would sparkle with happiness. Such a shame, he thought to himself, they could have been the stars of the universe, if only they didn’t wash once in a while.

‘Well’ he replied ‘I don’t really see what the problem is here. I don’t care for Earth, and we could sure do with a bypass.’

‘Excellent!’

Ordering his papers up, indicating the end of this ‘therapy session’, Gag added quickly to his Vogon friend ‘and don’t forget to destroy the Heart of Gold. I’m sure you’ll see it eventually. It’s big, gold, and the most powerful and stunning ship in the universe. Tally ho, good friend, catch up soon.’ And, with that, the screen faded to darkness, disturbed only by the flicker of apparitions from the other line.

The Captain conversed with himself, dumbfounded. ‘Bring up a Capacious Succulent Bewildered Iced Tea, will you?’ he shouted to the empty room he was in. Soon enough, he was sipping the screaming ice blocks with a big, gold and the most powerful and stunning ship in the universe staring at him on his Telatub. 


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Fri Feb 26, 2021 2:40 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well...this was a hilarious story to read. Not too much plot or real meaning but truly a lot of fun to read not to mention a really interesting concept you've explored here.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Gag Halfrunt was a born psychiatrist. In his early years, he had often talked with his friends, family and even siblings- discussing their emotions and finding ways to fix solutions. Indeed, he was good at that. Of course, not just the mind-numbing revelations and obvious conclusions that drew nothing about the true dilemma of consciousness, but fixing things. And, what he was even better at: fixing things that didn’t need to be fixed- and the human mind was the perfect instrument to play around with. After-all, isn’t it healthy to bring up the dark recesses of a person’s soul and make them quiver in despondence for their newly-founded depression all for the bargain of a 100 pounds an hour? He sure as hell thought so. Therefore, when he had ordered the demolition of the harmless and innocent assumed planet Earth that was in truth a breathing and thinking supercomputer, he had made no hesitance whatsoever.


Oh...kay...very interesting start immediately, the sheer scale of things here definitely hooks a reader and also makes me think this is perhaps something on the more funny side without much of a deep meaning but we'll see how that goes I suppose. Also a very interesting concept this psychiatrist thing.

‘I want that bypass! Do you hear me? Otherwise, I’ll be put out of busine-’ he paused, withdrew his fist from the table and regained his calm composure, wriggling in his seat in anticipation and looking vaguely to the screen. Staring at the empty cup with the leafy remnants of his drink slipping down the side, he knew that he shouldn't have had some Capacious Succulent Bewildered Iced Tea when his nerves were this jittery. Peering into the mug with the corners of his 3 left- handed eyes, he could see the cold ice blocks dissipating, screeching as they looked up at him desperately. Their pupils darted around the smooth texture of his cup, until finally all that was left was an eerie sludge of marsh-like water. He shivered in distaste and concentrated on the Vogon.


Not quite sure why that ice tea was described in such detail though...I mean I can see its maybe to show how long he spent just staring at the thing but then it feels like it really slows the pacing down perhaps a touch too much.

‘This bypass needs to be built. It’s essential for the progression of the Galaxy. Otherwise, Light Years knows what will happen next. Earth.Needs.To.Be.Destroyed. Surely such a charming and intellectual gentleman like you would hold no remorse for such a savage kind of species as humanity?’ His smile became even toothier, and you could see his two tongues slide along the snowy white rectangles as he hid his disgust watching the commander scratch his rear and then eat a baby Piippsqueak with the very same hand only for the fur to drool along his slimy scales that somewhat mildly represented something of a chin. Still, he grinned.


Well...some fun worldbuilding there, I like the details that have been put into that...also very fun calling humanity a savage species, always hilarious to read stories like this and you're doing a good job of not overdoing it so far.

The Captain looked at him tentatively, unsure of Halfrunt’s demands. But, if he said it with a smile and a cheery tone, what harm could they be? But then again, a smile and a cheery tone was never what he looked for in a person. He found that rather unattractive. The Captain gagged, reminiscing on all the pretty women that he had seen with flowers in their hair and beautiful dresses, topped with eyes that would sparkle with happiness. Such a shame, he thought to himself, they could have been the stars of the universe, if only they didn’t wash once in a while.

‘Well’ he replied ‘I don’t really see what the problem is here. I don’t care for Earth, and we could sure do with a bypass.’


Hmm....looks like a good decision on his part...I mean oh no, Earth will be blown up or at least something will happen at any rate, I don't really know.

Ordering his papers up, indicating the end of this ‘therapy session’, Gag added quickly to his Vogon friend ‘and don’t forget to destroy the Heart of Gold. I’m sure you’ll see it eventually. It’s big, gold, and the most powerful and stunning ship in the universe. Tally ho, good friend, catch up soon.’ And, with that, the screen faded to darkness, disturbed only by the flicker of apparitions from the other line.

The Captain conversed with himself, dumbfounded. ‘Bring up a Capacious Succulent Bewildered Iced Tea, will you?’ he shouted to the empty room he was in. Soon enough, he was sipping the screaming ice blocks with a big, gold and the most powerful and stunning ship in the universe staring at him on his Telatub.


Well that's a neat little end to the story...nice bit of relaxation after destroying a planet...very nice....and very funny too. Great ending for this story I think.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall this was a fun little story to read and I really don't think I have much else to say about it. :D

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




illy7896 says...


Thanks a lot for your review, I'm glad that you enjoyed it



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Wed Feb 24, 2021 6:20 pm
esthersanti1600 wrote a review...



Hello! First of all, I love Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, so I just had to respond to this. I can totally see the inspiration from Douglas Adams, though I agree, it's far too coherent and sensical to be his series lol. You have a great story here, and like was said earlier, the only things that break up the comedy and perfect effect of it are a couple petty grammar errors. That being said, I think you're really on to something here. Keep it up!




illy7896 says...


Thank you so much for your review, I think that I'll have to check my grammar a bit on this piece but I'm really glad that you enjoyed it



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Sun Feb 21, 2021 10:48 pm
LilPWilly wrote a review...



A few things
This is too coherent to be Douglas Adams lol.
Also, is Halfrunt a planet destroyer or sympathetic to ice cubes and piipsqueaks?
I see what you did here, it’s a fun background for the series, but again it mirrors Eoin Colfer's sequel more than Douglas Adams'. And as much as I love Colfer's books, it couldn’t measure up.
There are run on sentences that break up the comedic flow. For example, “And, what he was even better at: fixing things that didn’t need to be fixed- and the human mind was the perfect instrument to play around with.”
You have two final asides, the colon and the dash, and two ‘and’s.
I would also cut out anything that detracts from the comedic timing. Move the plot along faster.
I guess I’m just a bit picky when it comes to Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.
If I’m being honest, you have a unique writing style that is actually really good and engaging. You carry the topics and plot like a normal author, and add a certain tone that is somehow relaxing. Good work lol, sorry about all the nitpicking.




illy7896 says...


No problem, you're also a fan of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy too- I haven't read Eoin Colfer's work but I'll check it out. I'll be sure to add your suggestions- thank you for your review




Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it.
— George Santayana