Gag Halfrunt was a born psychiatrist. In his early years, he had often talked with his friends, family and even siblings- discussing their emotions and finding ways to fix solutions. Indeed, he was good at that. Of course, not just the mind-numbing revelations and obvious conclusions that drew nothing about the true dilemma of consciousness, but fixing things. And, what he was even better at: fixing things that didn’t need to be fixed- and the human mind was the perfect instrument to play around with. After-all, isn’t it healthy to bring up the dark recesses of a person’s soul and make them quiver in despondence for their newly-founded depression all for the bargain of a 100 pounds an hour? He sure as hell thought so. Therefore, when he had ordered the demolition of the harmless and innocent assumed planet Earth that was in truth a breathing and thinking supercomputer, he had made no hesitance whatsoever.
‘I want that bypass! Do you hear me? Otherwise, I’ll be put out of busine-’ he paused, withdrew his fist from the table and regained his calm composure, wriggling in his seat in anticipation and looking vaguely to the screen. Staring at the empty cup with the leafy remnants of his drink slipping down the side, he knew that he shouldn't have had some Capacious Succulent Bewildered Iced Tea when his nerves were this jittery. Peering into the mug with the corners of his 3 left- handed eyes, he could see the cold ice blocks dissipating, screeching as they looked up at him desperately. Their pupils darted around the smooth texture of his cup, until finally all that was left was an eerie sludge of marsh-like water. He shivered in distaste and concentrated on the Vogon.
‘This bypass needs to be built. It’s essential for the progression of the Galaxy. Otherwise, Light Years knows what will happen next. Earth.Needs.To.Be.Destroyed. Surely such a charming and intellectual gentleman like you would hold no remorse for such a savage kind of species as humanity?’ His smile became even toothier, and you could see his two tongues slide along the snowy white rectangles as he hid his disgust watching the commander scratch his rear and then eat a baby Piippsqueak with the very same hand only for the fur to drool along his slimy scales that somewhat mildly represented something of a chin. Still, he grinned.
The Captain looked at him tentatively, unsure of Halfrunt’s demands. But, if he said it with a smile and a cheery tone, what harm could they be? But then again, a smile and a cheery tone was never what he looked for in a person. He found that rather unattractive. The Captain gagged, reminiscing on all the pretty women that he had seen with flowers in their hair and beautiful dresses, topped with eyes that would sparkle with happiness. Such a shame, he thought to himself, they could have been the stars of the universe, if only they didn’t wash once in a while.
‘Well’ he replied ‘I don’t really see what the problem is here. I don’t care for Earth, and we could sure do with a bypass.’
Ordering his papers up, indicating the end of this ‘therapy session’, Gag added quickly to his Vogon friend ‘and don’t forget to destroy the Heart of Gold. I’m sure you’ll see it eventually. It’s big, gold, and the most powerful and stunning ship in the universe. Tally ho, good friend, catch up soon.’ And, with that, the screen faded to darkness, disturbed only by the flicker of apparitions from the other line.
The Captain conversed with himself, dumbfounded. ‘Bring up a Capacious Succulent Bewildered Iced Tea, will you?’ he shouted to the empty room he was in. Soon enough, he was sipping the screaming ice blocks with a big, gold and the most powerful and stunning ship in the universe staring at him on his Telatub.