I wrote this poem a few days back...when life seemed to be on the peak of darkness.....I hope that time ever comes again... mistake pontifications, suggestions, help, improvement, everything is most welcome....help me improve my work please.... My sole request...:0
I wear this mask
Hiding my sorrow
Happiness is what
From others I borrow.
I keep going higher
On this ladder of grief
The clouds of sorrow clear
But for moments very brief.
My hope is disappearing
And so is my faith
This sorrow keeps terrifying me
Like a shrieking wraith.
I take a step on this road of life
Then I stumble, and fall down
Laughter erupts all around me
As if I am a very funny clown.
I take in the laughter
And get back on my feet
I keep moving ahead
And deny to accept defeat.
I look ahead and see
Success standing close
Happiness seeped inside of me
Drenching me like water from hose.
I am just about to grasp it
But its suddenly going away
Sorrow is setting on me now
I just can’t keep it at bay.
I think I am about to be crushed
I feel like a teeny-tiny bee
But after all, I am no more than that
I am just a stupid and weak me.
However hard I try
I always trip and fall
Obstacles have become uncountable
People around me are the biggest wall.
These walls are so huge
I can’t see past them
The invisible future terrifies me
Moments of happiness are my gem.
People keep reminding me of my failures
They keep hurting and calling me dumb
Every time they say so I feel like
Everything inside me is going all numb.
The rudeness of the world
Changes my conscience
Soon enough my heart
Will be hard like granite.
I wake up in the morning
And pray hard to God
“Please let today be better
And the walls less broad.”
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Interesting poem.
'As if I'm a funny clown.' You really don't need the "very" in this line.I can feel the emotion in it but the flow is interrupted in so many places. Try and find any place that has a word that could be more poetic and change it. i.e.
Other than that the rest of the words are very well written and placed and I saw no problems with your grammar. Great job
Keep writing,
Alzora
Hey!
I thought this was great. Awesome work! One thing that I might suggest is ... NOTHING! Haha, I really had you going there for a second, didn't I?
Seriously though, great stuff. KEEP IT UP!
That was great.
It had visual coherence and great description.
I could see the meaning.
The tempo is uneven and the rythme is good but unkept.
Keep on writing!
~spartacus~
Great great great!!! What you're feeling now is what I've felt a lot in the past also. It hurts the most when the people closest to us, hurt us, even though they might not know they are. What I'm suggesting to you is to just keep on writing. Please, especially keep writing lyric poetry, because you can really convey a lot of your emotions in poetry, and you can get them out of your head, so that other people can relate to you. Like I'm relating to you.
Just one thing, when you say,
Happiness seeped inside of me
Drenching me like water from hose.
I think you should add an "a" right before hose. To sound like this:
Drenching me like water from a hose.
I love the very last stanza and the very first stanza, they are my favorite!
Hey there, harshita3chaarag. Scarlett here to review your poem. ^^
First off.... I have no nitpicks. Yes, you read that right. None, at all. Which is both surprsing and not so surprising. Sometimes there is nothing to pick at. On that note, the flow and rythym aren't perfect, but since when have I been a fan of perfection? Perfection doesn't matter, at least not to me. Also, imagery is wonderful and just fine exactly how it is. This poem doesn't seem to lack anything and I love it for that. It's not prefect, but it doesn't have to be perfect, does it? That's the great thing about poetry; you don't have to have a perfect poem. Flaws are good too.
Overall, Harshita, you have a brilliant little poem here. Thank you for the wonderful poetry. I hope to read more soon. *clicks like* I adore this poem. Remember, keep it up and never stop writing!
~Scar.
Hi!
This was a very good poem. The emotion was expressed well, and the length was just right for the content.
However, all the rhyming was extremely forced, as in, every stanza had a horrible end to it. I would quote them, but there are just so many it would be a waste of space. I think this poem would have gone much, much better as a non-rhyming poem. After all, the flow was really good and that's what really matters in a poem, not the rhyming.
Only one editing error that i noticed, otherwise, it was wonderful!
"Its" should be "it's".
Overall, I liked it but it needs a lot of revising! Keep writing!
-Lili
This is my favorite stanza.
I like it alot. It is very good