Hello everybody. This piece is a bit cheesy. It's nothing but romance. But it is rough and I'm sure it can be better. Please review and point out whatever you think can be improved. Thanks for taking out the time!
LIKE MAGIC
Like whispers in the night
You wander through my mind
My heart flutters
And my mind wanders
A moment of inactivity
I cannot find
Like the constant rhythm of my heart
Your name is on my lips
In stillness or activity
Drenched in familiarity
Your companionship is my everything
Your every move is on my tips
Like stars in the sky
You light up my world every night
Like a puzzle once put together
Together to stay forever
The fire that we have lit
Will shine through the ages, bright
Together we stand now
Together we’ll stand tomorrow
We wrote the past yesterday
And we write the present today
The future is ours forever
Nobody else’s to borrow
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
First of all, I was captivated by the title and I am a real sucker for romance. Though this is a stereotypical love poem, you've performed very well in terms of the language used
You've sort of described this poem as something infinite.
"Together to stay forever
The fire that we have lit"
I really like the way in which this part is written. The first line represents what I said in the beginning. The second line is really beautiful to me, as you've described this love as if it is a fire that cannot be put out; i think this how most people feel, so well done to that.
However there is one point, I'm afraid, that I hope you can work on. The structure of the poem is a bit eye tiring, so please do separate your poem into stanzas, so it doesn't look like one huge verse.
JC here for a review!
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First of all yay! cheesy romance that's my true luff :3
I love the style the small amounts of punctuation makes me happy. I love that style and it makes me feel free.
You wander through my mind like whispers in the night. That's awesome, I like it.
Next four lines for very well together, up to this point it flows well.
My first hangup is drenched in familiarity, I get the context it just doesn't sound right to me.
"Your companionship is my everything
Your every move is on my tips
Like stars in the sky
You light up my world every night"
That's honestly my favorite part in the whole poem!
The fire that we have lit will shine through the ages, bright. I feel as if ages could have been better used here but I do see a comma so it could forgiven
The whole together we stand part is my only true grip seems just bleh to me.
I love the ending of the poem it goes very well.
All in all I loved this poem, the style and subject matter suits me so well. I love sappy romance and junk.
I like to review shorter poems this way, I like to touch on every part of the poem.
Keep writing JC
Well, hello! Care for a review?
I like how realistic you managed to make this... I mean at the beginning, when you describe the way their mind wanders, and how being in love makes them feel-
Well done.
Now, I'm not the biggest fan, nor am I that knowledgeable about poetry. But I thought, what the hey! Let's give this a try.
You're right, this was a pretty cheesy romance. But yet, it was even oddly unique... And I'm not sure why or how.
You say:
I think it would sound smoother, as:
'Like stars it the night, you light up my sky'
I realize that you were rhyming 'Night' with 'Bright' but I don't think changing it would cause a problem with that ( if you choose to change it, of course ).
You say:
'Tips' just sounds odd, to me. Maybe if you used 'Grips' some how. Like:
'Your every move, is in my grips'
Or something.
Anyway, I really like your title, it reeled me in like a fish! And ya, keep up the awesome WRITING!!!
See you around,
-Socks