The wind blew past me
And whispered in my ear,
Pushing me closer to the edge.
The pain was mine to bear.
Your back against my back,
the chills down my spine.
Your fingers on my lips,
love's harshest wine.
One minute you pull me in
seat me near the hearth,
next minute you push me away
diminishing my worth.
This game has turned dangerous
I feel I'm playing with fire.
Hard as I try, I can't resist.
With every word you increase my desire.
I promised to myself
I won't go back to you
but your words are hard to ignore
because you always sound so true.
Alluring as you seem,
the demons hides behind a veil
a flash of it just appeared
and made me quail.
Staying with you
is an illusion of gratification.
Looking heavenwards, I silently pray,
Begging God for liberation
Fighting against the chains you put,
from you, I run away.
I see the black, I see the white,
but your chains keep me in the grey.
Hey guys. Well it's been pretty long since I last wrote. Please review it. Whatever you feel just post it. every review matters to me. Thanks in advance!
Harshita :)
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125,036 Literary Works • 672,919 Reviews
Hey, SecreteJournalist here for a review! If I have yet to introduce myself formally, do feel free to call me Brie if you wish(: Well, happy review day.. this is surly one to remember! I suppose I will jump on to the review now...
I'm going to split this into two sections, what I liked, and what I think might need improvement. I hope this helps some!
Likes:
1.)I love the description throughout the poem. It gives us clues to almost interpret a picture in our head as the writer lays out what's going on. Very nice but not obvious imagery. That's rather hard to come by when writing a poem, but you definitely nailed it!
2.) The meaning of the poem lashed out in a magnificent way, almost as if it was a silent dance inside my head. The way you described things made the meaning of the poem very powerful and full of impact!
3.) In a way, the poem seems to have so much to say, but not in an overwhelming way.
What I think may need improvement:
1.) Though maybe its just an matter of opinion, I feel as if you could stretch out the description of when the character in the poem prays to god for liberation. I feel as if its just a little too sudden... but I don't know, I'm not exactly the best when it comes to religion.
Overall,
I liked the poem and I think its practically flawless. I hope my likes and my only suggestion may help you for future poems(: Do keep on writing, I am in love with this poem, it definitely deserved to become a work in the literary spotlight!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Thank you so much. You've just succeeded in making me feel D-E-L-I-G-H-T-E-D. And that's not been a common thing for me recently. So thank you..
Harshita
I have one word. Beautiful. That was just so touching it brought tears to my eyes. I love this. You have a great talent to I really hope to see more like this soon. ,y favorite part is this section:Your fingers on my lips,
love's harshest wine.
One minute you pull me in
seat me near the hearth,
next minute you push me away
diminishing my worth.
This game has turned dangerous
I feel your emotion. Amazing job.
hey there harshita ....Begging God for liberation
well that was a very nice poem , wich i enjoyed reading . the description , the meaning , and the words were to strong , i most liked how you started and finished the poem , it was harmonic .
you seems so talented so keep writing ....
with love ....
smile