Hey everyone!!! Thanks for making the effort of reading it... This one's sort of sad-sad but that's how its supposed to come out. Reviews are welcome... Critics too...
And even if you think it is stupid... I agree!!
Keep Faith
Fog and mist surround me,
I just stand and look around.
Hoping some help I would see,
But I can just see grass on the ground.
But I kept my faith.
I sense grief all around,
All my courage is lost.
Gone are all the cheerful sounds,
Hopelessness is my only host.
But I didn’t lose my faith.
Everyone I ever knew is gone,
I’m standing alone and weepy.
Loneliness is in a high tone,
I’m going all groggy and sleepy.
But still I kept my faith.
I kept on waiting there,
About to go insane.
A sudden light spread everywhere,
Overthrowing the terrible bane.
I still needed my faith.
Gone were all the twists and bends,
Vacating my minds’ delicate port.
Far away I saw all my friends,
Coming to give me support.
And so I was rewarded by faith.
I could feel it all coming back,
All my lost happiness.
In courage no more did I lack,
Gone were the upsetting spirits of the nameless.
Although all my grief was gone, I clung to my faith.
Now when I meet anyone,
Waiting for the light,
Believe in a faith, I tell everyone,
It’ll make your life bright.
Just keep faith,
I’ve been there.
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
thanks for reviewing guys!!!:) I really appreciate the help and honestly this is one of my oldest poems thats why so much emphasis on the rhyme... I stopped writing with a rhyme now... Thanks for reviewing again!!!:D
I agree that it seems like you were so concerned with rhyming the words that you seemed to pay little attention to the overall story being told by using those words. This was only in certain spots though, as mentioned by the other reviewers. But I think you did a very good job on this piece! Keep writing! :)
Hi Harshi
You have an almost well written piece overall but there are three things you can do to make it better. Although I get that the variations of "But I still kept my faith" between lines is in keeping with the theme, it breaks the flow very badly and you don't really need it. The title already tells us what the poem is going to be about so there is no need to remind the person after every verse, just keep the last two lines and you'll be fine.
This may be just me but in this context, "bane" seems very clunky and made me do a double take. I understand how hard it is to find words that rhyme, but if you find another one then use it.
This line is slightly clunky, again I get how it's hard to come up with something that keeps with the rythm of the poem, but if you find a replacement then use it.
This piece needs some tweaking, but it'll be much better for it.
Keep Writing and PM me if you need anything (though time of reply will vary)
Hi there.
I like this. For some reason I keep imagining this as a song being sung by Owl City. It just has that very descriptive feel to it.
I really like the use of rhyme in here. My only concern is that it feels like you were trying so hard to make it rhyme that you just used any sentence, which makes it at time contrived
Besides that this is really good.