She Likes Girls

Hi there. This work is incredibly old but I was scrolling through the featured members, saw your profile, saw this, and here I am.

The concept behind this is something I highly enjoy. I was a bit nervous Lance would be angry at Candice for liking girls instead of him, but you completely turned that on its head and showed me that he's a nice young man who respects the girl he loves. That's really something different from the usual guy we see in today's society.

But, this story had so much potential, and I feel the length of this cut it off. We don't really have much of an atmosphere here, we don't know the setting, and the only thing we know about the characters is basically their names. I really can't connect to the story at a short length like this, so my suggestion would be to make it longer - and there are so many ways you could do that!

Firstly, you could describe the setting! I know what the characters re dong, but I don't know where they're doing it. The only things I know is that this takes place at night an at somewhere with grass. A park, I presume?

Secondly, you could tell us a bit more about Lance and Candice! Like what music do they like? What do they look like? What are their interests? Likes and dislikes? You don't have to include everything about the characters, but some depth or explaining about them can make me feel more connected to them because right now, they only seem like names on a screen.

Annnnddd scene! Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces,

Pastel

This story. Okay so HBC jumpin right in on this review.
This boy must really, really like Candace. He realized she wasn't as happy as she could be in a relationship with him. And when he saw that she was gazing at girls, he doesn't get mad and become all possessive. He does a hard thing and basically let her go because he knew she would be even happier with a girl.

This boy is an awesome ally. He basically threw himself out of a relationship he wanted and willingly put himself back in the friendzone. This was perfect!

I do, however, think it should be longer. I want to be more connected to the story.

But all in all. Great job!!!!!!

Hey! I feel like it could be longer and I think that that the characters and the setting could have been explained a little bit better. I think it's a good story and I would definitely keep with it. I think maybe in the next "chapter" you could include details about the characters and the setting because while we did get a general sense of Lance and Candice's relationship you didn't describe them as individual people. Otherwise I think it's an interesting take on the usual love story. Keep writing <3

Sarah24

Girl, this was amazing. I really felt for the characters! However, I do feel like the setting could have been described more. Other than that, I really liked this. Have a beautiful day/night! Jesus loves you!!!!!!!!!! You're beautiful!!!!!! Keep going!!!!!


Until The End
-Ari

I like this but I think that it nees to be a bit longer, and have a good day.

Hello, gxldencrxwns! I'm here to review your work! I'm sorry in advance if my review isn't all that helpful. I'm trying to become a better reviewer, but I'm still not used to reviewing some of the things I'm going to mention in this review.

I didn't have any problems with your grammar, but I do feel like you could have expanded the story and made it longer. This is a great start to a story, but its shortness makes it hard for the story to really mean something to reader. Of course, stories that are short like this can work. Based on this story, however, I think a longer story would suit your current style. I could be completely wrong, so don't take those words to heart. But your story does need more to it.

For example, you could describe more of the setting! The reader some of the actions that occur over the course of it, but don't know where these actions are taking place. Describing the place as well would be a good way for you to engage your readers more.

You can also expand upon the characters. Both Lance and Candice have the potential to be really memorable characters, but right now they're just names on a screen. If you add some more personality to them, you could really hook the reader into your story.

You can also write more of the ending! "...Yes." is a good way to start the ending, but it doesn't have the impact that I think you were going for. You could add a bit of description about what they do next, or throw in a funny response that Lance has to her reply. The possibilities are endless! Just try including what you think works the best with this story.

When it comes to my favorite part of the story, I really love the idea behind it! I was worried that Lance would be mean to Candice about her interest in girls when I read the first paragraph, but then you showed me that Lance was a very kind person who wants his girlfriend to be happy. That happy ending really made me smile, which I think is the point that you were trying to get across. So great job there!

I hope this review helped. I really enjoyed reading your work, and I'm sorry if any part of my review seemed harsh! Also, please feel free to PM me if something I said doesn't make sense. I'd be happy to explain it to you. Keep up the great work - which I doubt you'll have trouble with - and good luck on your writing endeavors! I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

Hi, gxldencrxwns. Thought I'd drop in for a quick review.

First of all, I found this short story (which, sadly, was a tad too short) very amusing and unique. I liked that you were able to stand up for gender equality and the uniqueness of an individual through this story. I saw your reply to one of the earlier reviews and considering the time you took to write the story, I guess it can be considered to be OK. I agree with BiscuitsLeGuin that theraputic writing is a very useful thing in cases such as that of yours. Your idea was totally new and fresh, but I think that you could have presented it to the reader in a better way. The last literary work of yours which I had read was "Do not Ask Me To Remember", and, after reading such a lovely poem, I had expected this story to be just as beautiful as your poem. Anyways, there are a lot of differences between prose abd poetry, so I guess they can't be compared.

Like laurahoeffner, I, too feel that the characterization and details in the story should have increased, unless, of course, you had wanted to keep the story short and simple on purpose. You could add a few lines about the things going on in Candice's mind as she struggles between her commitment to her relationship with Lance and the attraction towards other girls. You could also make the reader aware about the things which Lance has to sort out in his head before confronting Candice about the truth. All these will make the story nice and interesting to read and will show that that author, that is, you have a keen eye for observation and detail. As dogsrule5 said, the conversation between them should have increased and the things which happen to them after she tells him the truth should have been mentioned in the story.

Anyways, you are an amazing writer with a lot of potential and creativity and, as EllaWrites14 said in a comment- I quote her directly- "Good starter, needs developing."

Hello! I liked the story. I think it could be a beautiful story if it were to be more. I don't want to sound rude, but I think the story should show more insight. I know it's a short, but I think a little characterization never hurt anybody. I think it would have been cool if Candice was a little more resistant to admitting it. It could have led to another part. I get it if you don't agree though. I hope I wan't too mean or rude.

Good starter, needs developing.

Hey there, I'm here for my review of the day for Team Tortoise

The first thing that springs to mind here is that we could do with much more characterisation. This is an interesting situation, but I barely know your characters, which makes it difficult to engage. All you've told me is what I need to know for the situation - that Lance loves Candice but Candice is gay. But that results in them being a bit one dimensional. What do they do with their time? What sort of music do they like? If I know these sorts of things, it'll be easier to see them as real people that I can care about.

This is an okay angle to look at this situation from. A partner discovering that their significant other is not attracted to their gender is complex. And you've given a good recommendation about what someone should do in that situation. However, the evident nervousness in Candice's reply at the end reminded me about how difficult this must be for her. Clearly she likes Lance enough as a person to date him, so it must make her really sad to make him upset. She must also be terrified in general, because at some stage she will have to come out.

That's another thing. Why isn't Candice out? Is her family judgemental? Or had she not realised before? There must be some reason she was in a relationship with a man. I think that would also be interesting to explore.

And I think you have space to explore all these things, because the story isn't that long.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits

Hey! Dogs here to review!

So I thought this story was good, but I think there are many ways it could be better and improved!

And before we get into this, I'm not trying to be rude, I'm just trying to help so you don't make these errors again when writing other works! Don't worry though everyone makes mistakes, and I'm so sorry if I sound harsh about anything.

Also I have nothing against gays, transgenders, bisexuals, or anything else.

I liked the story and the plot, but I feel as if there is a lot more you could add.

I like how this story is short and sweet, but I feel as if it needs to be longer.

There is more dialogue than anything which there is nothing wrong with, but you need more details.

I feel as if you could elaborate more on both of their feelings sort of writing this story in multiple perspectives of each character really going in depth on how both of them feel about this.

I did like the ending although I feel as if you cut it short. I feel as if you could have continued the dialogue and have them continue talking about it.

I also wish you would have shown them going to school or wherever the next day and being able to be herself and date other girls.

I feel also you should describe what Lance is seeing in her while he tells her this. Like looking at her and wondering what she is thinking or how she is feeling.

There are so many things you could expand on, I feel as if this story wasn't finished. It seems more like a summary or a draft more than a story, or a prologue of a novel.

It's good, but it's not complete. You need more to the story than just ending it with "...yes."

What you have here is a great start to something that could be big, but you have to develop more of a plot and really expand on this story. This would be a great prolauge for a chapter novel, or a rough draft to something you're working on. But if this is all the story then it doesn't seem full.

It's amazing what you have, but it can't be a full on story. There has to be more.

In this story I felt as if I didn't know the characters, and I didn't know the setting. I knew the mood and the tone. That was amazing how you set the mood, but as it comes to knowing the characters and the setting and so many more details, you really aren't showing it.

Anyway long story short, you just really need to add detail and expand on this amazing idea. This would be a great novel or a great short story if you expand on your ideas, and make it longer. Let the readers be part of the story and be able to feel how the characters are feeling. That's hard to do when you barley know anything about the characters and the setting.

The tone and mood were my favorite part so if you do choose to expand this story, keep the mood and the tone, just elaborate on characters, setting, and working on more of a plot to the story. This story just seems like it's fully developed.

I hope this helped, if you have any questions, comments, and/or concerns please reply or send me a PM because I'd be glad to help you develop this story more if you need it!

Sorry if this review sounded extremely harsh, I was just trying to help you out and give you a few pointers on what you need to work on.

Also sorry if this review was really repetitive.

Again, I like where this story is going, it just needs more.

Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs

My dream world