Hi there gxldencrxwns!
Being as your short story is a 'short' piece of work compared to others, I won't have much feedback to give you and may not say anything that helpful - you have less to write to it gives you more time to go over and check.I'm pretty sure everyone else has picked up on the unnecessary and strict rating of the piece and I won't go into detail about it.
Something that also gets overlooked is the writer's age for pieces of work, being aged 12 and able to write something like this is a true talent and you should be really happy with yourself!
Anyway, let's get on with the review...
"from Secunderabad, India." "shootin' shit"
If the narrator's cousin is from India, where is the narrator from? I'm a little bit confused on the overall heritage of certain characters, is Madeline American and was just living in America or what? Does she have Indian heritage? I don't mean to be picky because the context isn't that important for something so minor.
I like how how you have written about the intention of the story itself; if you go on to write Poetry this is an integral part of it. Where you explain about why the story is being told in the first place is not compulsory, I like how you have added it though.
Leading up to the climax in a horror is also very important and I like how you tried to build up the creepy tone as much as possible without it being cheesy or predictable
I want to know why you chose 'Secunderabad' as a place in your story, I had personally never heard of it and had to look it up. I can't think of it being a random factor so it must mean something to you personally, or has come into your mind prior to you writing to this. Sometimes using places that people haven't heard of or using city names that are long and hard to pronounce can be a negative in writing though, by choosing a well-known setting (even for background info or one sentence context) it's more relatable to the reader and adds a better sense of imagery.
Sometimes important questions of the story are left out and that leaves the reader in confusion or curiosity. Horrors are known to have some memorable cliffhangers that lead into sequels, but there is one dire question that I have - Why was Madeline so afraid to say this all out loud? Obviously it would be a bit weird if you put a brief message at the bottom of the page that explains some minor questions and no one is expecting you to do so.
I also like how you give subtle hints about the ending secret throughout the piece, this gives the reader external knowledge that other characters don't know and can be effective. Usually horrors are based around the ideas of 'stupidity' in malevolent situations and gives us a personal perspective on what the characters are about to do (apart from the jump scares). I like unpredictable horrors more so and they always keep me on the edge of my chair, but I do like the hinting you give.
The only other downside to this is how long the story is. Short and snappy stories are just as good when the quality becomes a dominant factor, but you shouldn't worry about this too much because you were able to catch my attention with the amount that you wrote.
The last thing I can say to you is KEEP WRITING! The more you write, the better you become, and you're definitely in the right place at the minute by uploading your evidence to YWS. If you're not reading already, pick up a book! Alot of ideas come from books and other people's work as well - but i'm guessing you already do that as well.
If you have any questions you want to ask me about my review or anything literacy based feel free to PM me!
PenmanshipPriorities
Points: 4148
Reviews: 41
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