z

Young Writers Society


18+ Language

3 a.m.

by gxldencrxwns


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language.

My cousin, Madeline, recently moved here from Secunderabad, India. On a recent road trip exploring America, we were shootin' shit and exchanging ghost stories and laughing at the similarities and differences between American ghost stories and Indian ghost stories. When I asked her if she's ever experienced anything supernatural, her eyes widened as she turned her attention to the car window. Just when the silence was about to be too much for me, she softly responded,

"Yes. A few. One is troubling." 

Madeline didn't necessarily tell me, however. She grabbed her notebook and sharpie out of her backpack and proceeded to write it down. No words were exchanged for about thirty minutes until she finally ripped the paper out of its bindings and handed it to me. The fear in her eyes made me realize that she was too scared to say it out loud. 

What I read horrified me. 

It was my second year of college. I stayed in an all-girl hostel. I made many friends. We were all happy to be in school, away from our parents. The hostel was so much fun, but it was a very old building. Electricity was only put in the rooms. Sometimes, candles were placed along the windows if a watchman was present, but normally, once you left the rooms, you were faced with complete darkness. It was common to wake someone up to go with you if you needed to go to the bathroom down the hall. We all had a childish fear of being alone in the dark.

One night, I had to use the restroom. It was about 3 a.m.

I went to my friend's bed and tapped her on the arm. She immediately opened her eyes as soon as I touched her. I apologized to her for waking her up and told her I needed to pee. She smiled at me and hopped out of bed. All the way down the hallway, she laughed and danced. I could not see her at all, but I felt her hair brush up against me every now and then. I laughed and sashayed by hips down the hallway with her. She said nothing to me, although occasionally I heard her hum one of her favorite Bollywood songs. The same thing happened on our return. I fell back asleep easily.

I awoke fairly late the next morning to the sound of men in our room. They surrounded her bed. I bolted up from my bed, preparing to protect her, but then I realized they were administrators of the college. I peered over closer.

Her lifeless eyes were fixated on my bed; the same smile on her face. Suicide.

Her time of death was 11:30 p.m., almost four hours before I woke her.


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41 Reviews


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Thu Oct 05, 2017 6:41 pm
PenmanshipPriority wrote a review...



Hi there gxldencrxwns!

Being as your short story is a 'short' piece of work compared to others, I won't have much feedback to give you and may not say anything that helpful - you have less to write to it gives you more time to go over and check.I'm pretty sure everyone else has picked up on the unnecessary and strict rating of the piece and I won't go into detail about it.

Something that also gets overlooked is the writer's age for pieces of work, being aged 12 and able to write something like this is a true talent and you should be really happy with yourself!

Anyway, let's get on with the review...

"from Secunderabad, India." "shootin' shit"
If the narrator's cousin is from India, where is the narrator from? I'm a little bit confused on the overall heritage of certain characters, is Madeline American and was just living in America or what? Does she have Indian heritage? I don't mean to be picky because the context isn't that important for something so minor.

I like how how you have written about the intention of the story itself; if you go on to write Poetry this is an integral part of it. Where you explain about why the story is being told in the first place is not compulsory, I like how you have added it though.

Leading up to the climax in a horror is also very important and I like how you tried to build up the creepy tone as much as possible without it being cheesy or predictable

I want to know why you chose 'Secunderabad' as a place in your story, I had personally never heard of it and had to look it up. I can't think of it being a random factor so it must mean something to you personally, or has come into your mind prior to you writing to this. Sometimes using places that people haven't heard of or using city names that are long and hard to pronounce can be a negative in writing though, by choosing a well-known setting (even for background info or one sentence context) it's more relatable to the reader and adds a better sense of imagery.

Sometimes important questions of the story are left out and that leaves the reader in confusion or curiosity. Horrors are known to have some memorable cliffhangers that lead into sequels, but there is one dire question that I have - Why was Madeline so afraid to say this all out loud? Obviously it would be a bit weird if you put a brief message at the bottom of the page that explains some minor questions and no one is expecting you to do so.

I also like how you give subtle hints about the ending secret throughout the piece, this gives the reader external knowledge that other characters don't know and can be effective. Usually horrors are based around the ideas of 'stupidity' in malevolent situations and gives us a personal perspective on what the characters are about to do (apart from the jump scares). I like unpredictable horrors more so and they always keep me on the edge of my chair, but I do like the hinting you give.

The only other downside to this is how long the story is. Short and snappy stories are just as good when the quality becomes a dominant factor, but you shouldn't worry about this too much because you were able to catch my attention with the amount that you wrote.

The last thing I can say to you is KEEP WRITING! The more you write, the better you become, and you're definitely in the right place at the minute by uploading your evidence to YWS. If you're not reading already, pick up a book! Alot of ideas come from books and other people's work as well - but i'm guessing you already do that as well.

If you have any questions you want to ask me about my review or anything literacy based feel free to PM me!

PenmanshipPriorities




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Fri Sep 29, 2017 2:55 am
PastelSlushie wrote a review...



Hi there again,

Again, this story is ancient, but oh well.

This was a tad bit short so I may not have much to say that would be helpful, but I would like to start this off with a question? If the narrator's cousin is from India, where is the narrator from? Are they from India themselves but moved to America? Did they both live in America but one moved to India? The two characters and their relations seems confusing because the narrator has more of a southern drawl to him/her, while Madeline has an accent that most non-English speakers speak in. Like, saying you are instead of you're. Did either Madeline's mom or dad move to India, married and had a child there?

I enjoyed how you didn't go out directly and say how Madeline's friend was a ghost; you slowly built it up and then said at the end she was a ghost - although you reworded it differently, to where the reader assumes she was a ghost. I like how you sort of sugar coated it and didn't be straightforward with telling us she was dead. However, I would've liked to see more details on the suicide - I feel it could add to the creepiness of the ending.

Speaking of the ending, it was great! You wrapped it up perfectly and you didn't leave it off with a cliffhanger or with a loose end. You ended it suddenly and with a nice sentence. It had nice, simple descriptions and you didn't go over the top with it - which is something I can appreciate.

Annnnnd scene! Feel free to send me a message if you have any questions or disagree with anything in my review. Best of luck in your future pieces,

Pastel




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Sat Sep 09, 2017 10:26 pm
RadicalCarrot wrote a review...



I actually really enjoyed this story and I felt like something I would love to review. I'm mainly going to look at elements that are not grammar (because my own grammar is terrible). Rather I'll be looking at characters/setting, pacing, and the horror elements of it. I will come out right away saying that the rating is slightly inappropriate but that's more of a nitpick and it seems that people have already said this many times.

Characters/Setting:

The first narrator is never given a name so I'm just going to call them Zip for the sake of this review. I really didn't have any problems with this narrator. Though I am a little confused. Madeline is from India, but Zip sounds like they have a southern accent, but they are cousins. Is Madeline American and was just living India? Or does she actually have Indian heritage because it would seem odd for a family with Indian heritage to, well, have southern accents. This is super nitpicks but also kind of ties in to what I just said. I would understand this if Madeline was from a America, but if she IS from India, than I sort of question why she is named Madeline doesn't have a name that sounds like it would come from an Indian culture. As far as I know, Madeline as a name comes from France and other parts of Europe. Anyway those are just super nitpickey. The setting is actually very well described and I was actually really interested in it. It's sort of an uncommon place for something horror centric to take place but works super well.

Pacing:

The pacing of this was down incredibly well. I don't quite feel like the first part was too important and the story would probably be the same if it just started with Madeline telling it. Though, it does have some important exposition and gives the character a reason to tell the story in the first place. The progression of the story Madeline tells is well done. I enjoy that she doesn't just outright go "Oh my friend was probably a ghost wooooOOOooooo isn't it scary?!?!?" I like how it developed by establishing the creepy tone and mood before telling the actual story from that one night and then leading up to the climax. I'm excited because pacing really is something younger writers tend to struggle with but you absolutely nailed it.

Horror:

This is my favorite kind of horror. I've always loved supernatural themes and sort of mysterious stories. Instead of throwing creepy monsters at you and cliches this is actually very creative. The idea itself is incredibly simple. But the execution of it is brilliant. The descriptions setting the creepy mood kept me on the edge of my seat. I enjoy that throughout the entire story, no one ever outright says that the friend was a ghost. You really guide the reader to the conclusion without having to tell them, which is a hard thing to do. The way you subtly hint that the friend is ghost feels natural. In a real "Sixth Sense" way you make it so that the reader gets the hints that she's a ghost but don't realize it until the very end. But what really seal the deal of this story with me is the two ending lines. They sent shiver down my spine with the realization of what had happened. It's like a punch to the face and once I re-read the story I couldn't help but fall more in love with it.

Overall, I love your writing style. The fact that you can accomplish this at such a young age is astonishing. I really encourage you to continue writing, If you did something similar to this with a longer story I think it would super cool.

Keep creeping people out.

- Radical Carrot :)




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Sat Jul 22, 2017 3:56 am
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DarshayataDeka wrote a review...



Hi! Thought I'd drop in for a quick review.

As Sarah24 said, your work can be rated 12+ instead of 18+ because you swore only once. It contained all the elements a horror story should- surprise, thrill, anxiety, fear, excitement and of course, supernatural things. I liked the eerie atmosphere prevailing throughout the entire story and the surprise ending. While reading the story, I didn't think even once that it would end with the death of her room mate. But, I could not understand one thing: Why did Madeline write down the story instead of telling it by mouth? Perhaps you had wanted to say that she was too terrified by her past memories to speak. In that case, you should add a line or two describing the scared appearance of Madeline when asked to narrate a horror experience. Anyways, the story was a very thrilling one without any grammatical errors (I didn't notice any). Keep up the good work!




gxldencrxwns says...


I did forget to write why Madeline was too scared to say it out loud, I'll go fix that. But thanks for the review!





You are welcome



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Sat Jul 22, 2017 3:12 am
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Sarah24 wrote a review...



Hey! This was definitely a really cool story and it kept me on the edge of my seat. It was an interesting concept and I like the horror of it and just the overall eerie mood that I noticed. I think that the rating is a bit much considering you did only swear once. Perhaps you could change it to 12+ because the 18+ gave a unnecessary warning to only one curse. I noticed that you only spelled one word wrong but I'm sure it was probably just a typing accident (btw it was the word hotel in the 22nd line. Other than that it was an interesting story and keep writing <3

Sarah24




gxldencrxwns says...


I meant to put hostel ;) But thanks for the review!



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Sat Jul 22, 2017 12:50 am
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bvbAngel wrote a review...



Okay so I am dropping in for a review. And the first thing that I seen was the rating. Really as I read I didn't see any reason for it to be 18+ it would be more of 12 and up in my mind simce you only cursed once. But anyways I think this piece was really creative. I didn't really see anything that I my self would change or add. It kind of had my on the edge if my seat throughput this piece and I was waiting for more. I like how you hinted that she was dead throughout this and I loved your wording. This made me want to read more and I was pretty disappointed when it came to an end because I wanted you to continue. But you said that she was lifeless due to suicide. Well I was thinking "well why would she want that, what happened?" And I think its be better if you were to say the reason of why she committed suicide, or how. Like how did she do it. I would've love to see more detail. But all together this piece showed emotion and creativity. I would've loved to see more, for this story to continue
but thank you so much for sharing this story..it was really great. I personally loved it and I hope to see more pieces like this in the future! I hope I helped you a little bit with this:)
~bvbAngel




gxldencrxwns says...


Thank you!



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Fri Jul 21, 2017 6:00 am
Dossereana says...



cool story, I think that it nees to be longer then that, but it is very good keep up the good work. :D your frined MoonFlower :D




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Thu Jul 20, 2017 6:28 pm
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BlueSunset wrote a review...



Hello, @gxldencrxwns! I'll be reviewing your work. The description of this story definitely intrigued me to read this! It was very interesting yet mysterious; I wanted to know more, so I gave it a go! And now, I feel the need to review something, since this is a perfect piece for my rusty fingers to try and review, because it is short enough to pick out some important things to work on! Hopefully you'll find this review helpful.

Alright! So, the first time I read this, I was still processing the information and working about the idea and plot. The one thing that mainly caught my attention was the last line.

Her time of death was 11:30 p.m., almost four hours before I woke her.

I wouldn't say this was super shocking - considering the description of this short story kind of hinted to the fact that she was not living/some sort of ghost supernatural. I was confused, however, about how any of the men would know when she died? Perhaps this is something that I don't know about (maybe there is some way you can tell when someone has died) but I was still puzzled nonetheless.
Her lifeless eyes were fixated on my bed; the same smile on her face. Suicide.

I love this! Simplistic descriptions, which I like. I was hoping for a little more detail on the suicide idea, though. I'm a fan of your writing style, but in this case it would be nice to know how specifically she died, but this could go either way. I think it works nicely like this, and it could work nicely by adding some more information. I do love the way you described her eyes, her smile. It gave me shivers down my back and I think your writing is so clean (and you're so young).
I fell back asleep easily.

Nothing really big here. I do feel that "easily" doesn't fit this sentence quite properly, and the word "instantly" or "quickly" might fit better. I don't know. In my mind, it seems to make more sense.
I bolted up from my bed, preparing to protect her, but then realized they were administrators of the college.

In the case that they weren't administrators, why would Madeline have to protect her? Were men dangerous where she was? Or was it just because it was an all-girls hostel?
Also, I would add more details here. This is your chance to make it even more suspenseful by describing this scene. For example:
Men were circled around her bed, leaning over in hushed voices and quiet mumbling.
Or something of the sort. It would really add impact to the ending.

Speaking of the ending, it was quite great! Very simple but it was a perfect way to stop the story and finish it. I loved it, and the overall idea of your short. The ghost concept is one of those hackneyed ideas to use in a story, but this had a suspenseful feeling and I liked it!
I hope this review helped in some way!

BlueSunset




gxldencrxwns says...


Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it!



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Thu Jul 20, 2017 6:11 pm
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IvoryRose wrote a review...



Cool story. I could the rating a little unnecessary, since you cursed one time. In my opinion it would be 12 and up, but that's my opinion. I don't have much to criticize. However, I found it a little weird that Madeline didn't just tell it orally. If you went that route it would allow more time with the main character. It's just my opinion and an extremely minor thought. Always go with the style that you feel is best, but I hope you can take my thoughts into consideration. Another thing I wish the story was a little longer. Was the friend a ghost? A part of Madeline's imagination? Did the other girls see her? etc. I just feel that the story could have been expanded on. All and all great story. :)




gxldencrxwns says...


Thanks for the review! Glad you liked it!




Poetry is the art of creating imaginary gardens with real toads.
— Marianne Moore