I don't want to look

Cool poem! When I read the last line my draw fell open XD. The poem is almost not deep and scattered about before you read the last line, but the last line does indeed tie it together.

One quick thing that I would like to say is that every single line of a poem needs to be capitalized, even if it seems grammatically incorrect. Another tip, use all the normal punctuation rules in poems.

At "I imagine this girl happy,
but the vision is blurry,
as if it is a distant memory,
yet on the outside she is happy," the last line seemed kind of random at first, and maybe even out of place. Maybe change it to 'yet I see/know on the outside she is happy.'

What I related to/got from this poem was the girl was hurting so bad all the time, and she had to put on a fake smile all the time. People would see that, but maybe not really look into her eyes or pay much attention, but if they would have, they would have noticed that it's really a mask she puts on. And so many people do this everyday. They just want someone to notice and ask if they're okay to know if someone cares, but society tells people that asking people about their emotions and deep stuff in their life is weird and unacceptable. That shouldn't be how things work, but, sadly, it is.

Awesome job! Thanks for sharing your art with YWS

hi there i'm stealtheworld.

before i get started, i'd like to say that this poem has the potential to be really good. i think i can help you take it a step closer.

the first thing i noticed was your imagery. it was weaker than this type of poem deserves. the tone was never really established and your vocabulary was limited.

this is your first stanza:

I behold the tired face,
riddled with anger and hate.
The years of sadness,
appeared across her face.

anger and hate -- you can be much more vivid. show me what that hatred looks like. does it dance behind her eyes? does it burn or is it ice cold? those are just examples of how you can improve your imagery.

the same thing with the next two lines. they're not strong enough to support your idea--which is a great one, by the way.

the word "appeared" doesn't belong there. it contradicts the statement that it was YEARS of sadness. they can be etched in, scar, stain, etc. but they don't simply appear.

you repeat "face." was this intentional? because you did the same with "happy" later on. i would suggest you try expanding the vocabulary you use here. where on her face? you could use something like "features" instead if you want. here's a little trick i use when the words just don't sound right: use a dictionary or thesaurus. not kidding. just find whatever word that's giving you trouble and find synonyms or related words that would fit better.

some parts, like "fake smile" are overused, thus making them meaningless. again, show me what it looks like. use some concrete imagery, focus on writing it the way it appears in your mind.

another thing: why is she so sad? a little insight can go a looong way. without it, your focus is her turmoil and the fact that she can't bear to see herself anymore and i want to know why.

"i imagine she is happy." -- but i thought she was sad? do you mean you CAN imagine her being happy at one point? if so, the last line in the stanza doesn't fit right. on the outside she is happy...it just doesn't relate with the previous three lines. maybe you could give a reason why she could have been happy or why she can't be happy any longer. i don't really know :p

the penultimate stanza seems unnecessary. we already know she's sad and in pain. what else? what can you say that shows me exactly how she's affected by the girl?

now your ending...i loved it. the fact that she seemed appalled by what she had become--so much that she couldn't make the connections between the girl in the mirror and the person she was--was very apparent. nicely done.

again, i saw the potential. you just need to be more powerful with your words and take some risks ^.^ i actually did enjoy reading when i got to the end, especially because i didn't come to realize that she was staring at herself on my own.

it was a pleasant experience for me and i hope you had fun writing it. have a rad day, my friend and keep writing.

- stealtheworld