Hey guys. Haven't posted anything in a while. It was a random thought that led me to this and I think it's messed up (read to find out what I'm going on about). The black is the victim, the red is the bully, mean person, whatever you want to call them really. If it's not working properly I'm sorry. The first four lines would be victim, next four lines the bully and so on for all of it. Want to see what you guys think so don't hold back :)
Another day
I cried in front of them
They called me ugly again
Feels like I'm bound with a chain
Another day
Fun of course
Laughed at the nerd
She cried but there's more she hasn't heard
Another day
More pain
I want to cry
They told me to die
Another day
Easy as usual
That lame girl cried today
She should die, no one cares anyway
Another day
The end
No more breaths
Now I'm Death's
Another day
She killed herself
That beautiful, wonderful angel
She's so inspirational
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Okay this was a great poem but the last part of the poem is a little off.
"Another day
She killed herself
That beautiful, wonderful angel
She's so inspirational"
In the last stanza you said,
"Another day
The end
No more breaths
Now I'm Death's "
Then you jump from this and start calling the victim a beautiful angel
Maybe if you would have transitioned into this part it would be fine
But other than that is was a great poem
Thanks! I'll work on it.
Hello! SecreteJournalist here for a quick review.
I kind of agree with Henox. This stanza seems off. Now, if it was referring to a group of people such as modern day society, I'd understand. The bully, most likely, wouldn't feel very much sympathy. Especially due to the fact he looked down on her, and now all of a sudden looks up to her. That doesn't make sense to me.
Them? But if this is just about 1 bully, why refer to him as them? Just a note. Also, this seems to be the only stanza where the last line doesn't rhyme. This throws off the flow a little bit.
This stanza is where the reader starts to hate the bully. Which is good, it helps the poem, but it makes the reader mad. Good job on striking up that emotions. There's only one thing I think this poem is lacking. Imagery. You may need some of that, it'd very much improve the poem.
Anyways, great job! With a little tweaking, I feel as if this poem could shine! I'd like to see what else you have in store!
Sincerely,
SecreteJournalist
AKA
Brie
Thanks. With the lines where 'again' and 'chain' are the ending, it depends how you say 'again' as to whether it rhymes or not. I didn't think of this when I wrote it but now I realise that the only reason I think it rhymes is because of how I say it. The last stanza is what I think can be horrible in the issue of bullying. I know someone who... well she isn't with us but her bully then put on this whole act and changed her view. She said how she had always looked up to my friend and how amazing a person she was. Sorry I should have been more clear. Thanks again.
Your poem had so much to say, so much meaning. I loved it. Great work!
Thank you!
Hey!
Your poem is pretty good.
But I think that the crying girl doesn't mean that much to the bully, so, i don't think that he would even mention her when describing his day. She's like a thing passing trough like when you tie your shoes, you can't really remember every time you tied your shoes that day.
But I agree that he would be sad for her when she dies.
The first thing isn't that big, keep on writing stuff like this!
Thanks.