Straight A's, curly brown hair, shamrock green eyes. That was Crystal Hemmings. She was 5'4, and hung out with the popular squad, or as everyone called them, the Jaguar Peak. They ruled Riverbrook middle school, home of the Jaguars. But for every Jaguar Peak, there are rebels. Take Rose Mcbride, for example. Now, by reading her name, you may believe that she was the sweetest little gumdrop, but oh, she was far from it. She was the gothic punk of the school, who didn't care about what anyone else said. Rose was 5'6, and had wavy short hair that had been dyed purple and blue and seemed to droop as she walked. Most tended to avoid her. And she didn't care. She was content with her small group of friends, at how no other girls seemed to mess with her or how no boys seemed to pine for her. Rose had never been interested in any male, anyways. She found it… odd, to say the least, but never took the time for love. She didn’t need it, not one bit.
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Heya galaxygem!
Just trying to exercise my reviewing muscles. I'll try to be as helpful as possible though! Alrighty, let's dig right in~
Also ah Jaguar Peak sounds so cool~
If we are starting out with getting to know the main character, then info-dumping - which sort of has been done in this cute little prologue - wouldn't be the way to go here.
) was outside somewhere, wherever she likes to be, and she's in her thoughts, something like that, and you could mention that this specific place (ocean for example) was her favorite place to be, and she felt totally at ease here. Something like that, y'know? I'm sure you could come up with something was better though, so you ignore that example if you want. xP
I'm reviewing after a very long time so please excuse me for sloppiness.
This is a cute prologue! I thought of the song Little Miss Perfect because, like, the first line sort of is "straight a's." Anyway! Thought I'd point it out because connections are great like that lol. So we have two people introduced, Crystal and Rose. The leader and the rebel. Oooh, I like this! I wonder where you'll take this story.
Now, first of all, when we start a prologue, it tends to be more of a prelude than a description of the main character. But you do you!! Not complaining, just pointing it out.
This is just an example, but something else that could have been done here, liiiiike, lemme think of an example xD You could write a scene where Rose (beautiful name, interesting personality
Well, that's it for my review - nothing much else to say! Hope it helped in some sort of way. Lemme know if you have any questions, I'd be happy to answer them for you! Wonderful work
Keep on writing!
~Liberty
Thanks Liberty! I did indeed take inspiration from Little Miss Perfect, I see you are a person of culture as well
Aha, I love that xD
Hello galaxygem, here to review! I see this is for school, so I'm guessing a project or assignment for English..? But I will say that's awesome that you wanted to share what you have so far here. I, on the other hand, seem very reluctant. But I won't take too much time out of your day, so let's get on with this. This is pretty short after all and seems to be the first part of chapter one, so I don't need to write a whole essay.
Without further ado, I'll get started.
I always start with grammar, but since this is pretty short, it defends itself against common errors. I don't see any, so good job! On to the next phase...
So overall, I feel this has great potential for something beyond two chapters for the teacher to reduce to a two-digit grade, if that is what this is. It has some common features of a middle school story, but there is plenty of variety in middle school for this not to become cliche.
There is some unnecessary information, however.
These seem like good sentences, and they provide helpful inside info, but there is something - oh, I'll get on with it. The height! It's unnecessary and doesn't fit in this context. She's 5'4 and she's popular. It doesn't fit, you know?
But I will say this:
This is very creative and original and catchy. I'm not being sarcastic, I'm dead serious. When I read this, I was looking at the names of the groups I've created(Popular Group). This is a fantastic name! Where are they positioned? At the Peak! What's their school mascot? The Jaguars! I'll also say I like the names, they're not like John or Jane.
I guess that's all I had to say. Hopefully this wasn't time-consuming but helpful in any way. And hopefully you keep on writing!
With caution,
WaterSpout
Thank you, WaterSpout! I will definitely take the height comments into consideration.