Hello.
Here is my honest opinion. It's filled with good intentions.
I feel like this is trying too hard. It's not really pleasant to read, just kind of cumbersome with the inclusion of so many adjectives and adverbs in such a small poem. Instead of using so many adjectives, try using stronger nouns and verbs. It would be more straightforward and more pleasant to read if it looked like this:
Oh, ink,
your disgust
is devoured
as though letters
were cereal
drowning
in the milky page.
I changed words to letters because letters are more similar to cereal pieces than whole words are.
This is one sentence which is not grammatically correct. You don't have a verb in your third line. You should have "is so willingly consumed" to make it correct. This might alleviate some confusion that readers might have.
The poem is also in passive voice. You say that the disgust is so willingly consumed, but by whom or what? The answer is the milk white page, but you shouldn't have to tack that on to the end. It's not direct. However, I can see why you wrote it this way, as you wanted a dramatic ending. I suggest you try to change it out of passive voice, though.
Altogether, clarity is one of the most important things in poetry, and this one lacks it. I hope you find this review useful to you! Happy YWSing!
Points: 29096
Reviews: 862
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