Crustaceans
The grocery store is an aquarium.
As the bodies of red sea creatures
wallow in a pile, I wonder
how much of the salt water in that tank
is tears of the crustaceans.
Aphrodisiacs are not nearly as appealing
as the actions they insight.
-
Not even wearing goggles,
I am sure their eyes must burn,
just as they will later,
still submerged in water
over the flame of a barbeque grill.
-
Though it may be sunny upon the guests
and the blankets will be lay out,
its dark inside the pot.
Even knowing they couldn’t see,
I couldn’t eat the eyes.
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140,239 Literary Works • 673,051 Reviews
Hello!
You know, there's always some sort of connotation with the word "crustaceans" that gives it a certain emotion just to hear that word. Maybe that's me. Anyway, I think the poem captured that feeling very well. It's similar to the feeling I get when I go into a grocery store, even if I don't walk by the meat/fish counter.
Anyway, that doesn't matter.
A few technical things:
You probably mean "incite" here.
(incite (verb): encourage or stir up
insight:(noun): a deep understanding of a person or thing.)
Tenses! You probably mean laid rather than lay.
its is like when you say "the dog was licking its fur"
Here you're using it as "it is," so you have to put an apostrophe: it's.
This isn't a typo so much as word choice. If you're doing a really formal or old-style poem, then it's good to use "upon." But unless it's formal or old-style, I think you should just say "on." Also, the phrasing here is rather weird. I suggest shortening the line to "Though it's sunny,// it's dark inside the pot." Because is the blanket thing really necessary? I think it just clutters things up.
Other than that, I like the story and the sentiments of this poem. I like the details. Just make sure that you're not putting too much; make sure it all flows; make sure your grammar etc. is correct; and after all that is done, I think you'll be good.
Great job, keep writing!
Fish are friends, not food!
I instantly like this poem because it's completely relatable. I find myself unable to eat fish because of the way they are presented, hardly anything is done to their bodies. Basically people just plop them on a plate and eat, which I think is disgusting. It's ironic though, because I can eat meat just fine.
As the bodies of red sea creatures
I think 'blue' would be a better colour than red. It's your poem, of course, I just think they look more blue than red.
and the blankets will be lay out,
Laid out? I'm not even sure about this, but I think 'laid' is correct.
It's clever how every part of the poem mentions their eyes, with the first stanza mentioning their tears, the second goggles, and the third where you say you can't eat their eyes.
That's all I have to say. It's a good, meaningful poem. Please keep writing!
What's the difference between a place where buses go and a lobster with breast implants?
One's a crusty bus station, the other is a busty crustacean!
I liked that you used crustaceans as your characters for the story.I'm going to come up with
many theories trying to figure out how deep this writing can go.One line does bother me though.What does the line ,"the grocery store is an aquarium mean?" it is very confusing
next to the rest more poetically straight foward writing. And I think you mean,
"Though it may be sunny upon the guests
and the blankets will be laid out," or ,"will lay out" makes more sense.
I got a non serious question, You had to eat the eyes?!
To clear things up, this poem came as a memory of me, as a child, always wanting to go see the live Lobsters which were kept in a small tank in the grocery store. To me, the grocery store was an aquarium because I got to see live sea creatures. I thought maybe this would be a memory which others could relate to.