An Average Daybreak
As arbitrary as a day may seem,
With its minutes waning it seems even more arbitrary.
Crusty guitar riffs somehow revoke the pulsing head
which is sure only to feel worse at this rate
because it is, in fact, nearly morning.
-
Sentimentality is overdue. And frankly, I’m astounded,
that I, of all people, could situate myself is such a day
of standard results and mundane activity.
It seems to issue to me that if something is to change,
and it aught to change, if only for the serenity of day break
to be a happy consistency in an otherwise robust life,
that I must be the variable, the cog in the machine, which throws
it all into material chaos.
-
Provoke me! I dare you!
I’m a crafty new form of art which
critics praise for the:
“ingenuity of material,”
which, “just bleeds with a sense of self-satisfaction
and voluntary perfection” (sitting in front of the computer screen, hunched)
“summed with a breath-holding sense of simmering realities”
:a dismal future of love, children, and ultimate similarity.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hey there! Purple here on this lovely end to November's Review Day! Let's get down to business.
Your writing style in general really sticks out in multiple ways in this piece. It's equally confusing as it is interesting, and I can see that you are well on your way to making your writing amazing. At this point, I'll just comment on your writing, since the poem itself because of this was a bit unclear. Sometimes you switch from fantastic vocabulary to sounding like you are casually talking to a friend.
For example, when you said
"which is sure only to feel worse at this rate
because it is, in fact, nearly morning."
It didn't sound 'poetic' to put it simply.
However you also said things like
"that I must be the variable, the cog in the machine, which throws
it all into material chaos."
...Which was absolutely astounding!
My one piece of advice to give you is to sit down with yourself and edit anything you need to. Yes, poetry should sound relaxed at times and not be interrupted by something internal. However, poetry should not sound so desperate to be an organized train of thought that it eventually becomes incoherent. I really hope this helped you in any way possible.
Happy Review Day and good luck!
~Purple
Hey guys! Thanks for the reviews!!! I'll post another piece soon! Any more reviews would be greatly appreciated. I will even review one of your pieces if you review mine!
OrionRising!
I think you can re-write the first two lines to: an arbitrary day is arbitrary, and you have the same idea in less words.
The trouble with the way that it's currently written is that it's setting up an expectation, and then ending anticlimactically. I know it's only two letters long, but the word 'as' is an extremely powerful weapon in the english language. Its purpose is to set up a comparison of ideas the way a magician sets up a stage for his magic show.
As [something] as [something-else], that's the formula, and it's broken and tampered with here and all we see is cheap tricks and all we want is our money back. You can't get away with saying the red is as red as red. Why is the day arbitrary and what makes it so is the minutes ticking by, and already, you have a much better sentence construction.
Crusty guitar riffs :O Like eye crusts?
We've got a lot of lofty adjectives here that distract and over-water all of the delicious nouns and verbs which are supposed to be your main meaning-makers. It's got the effect of thesaurus-plugging, where words don't quite flow well together at all. Crusty riffs, pulsing, mundane, robust, crafty, serenity of daybreak, happy consistency, voluntary perfection, ultimate similarity. Particularly that third line: pulsing head- super distracting, I could not make any sense of that first stanza.
The third stanza is interesting. There is a sense of self-awareness in that stanza that I liked and for the life of me I couldn't figure out how it fit with the rest of the piece, but gosh darnit, it could probably stand on its own as a poem because here is where we get the real authentic voice and soul of the piece. Whether it will be "likable" though, is a different story, it's got an air of pretentiousness - I like it because it says so out loud anyway, so I dig that.
I hope this helps. Keep writing and let me know if you want to chat this piece up.
~ as always, Audy
Hey,
Part of what makes me relate to this poem is that I feel as if you were writing this for someone. It has a deep seeded level of something personal that people who don't relate to this feeling may not be able to see. I'm sorry if that doesn't make sense I'm just not sure how exactly to word it. I'm impressed with the theme switch and how it all kinda ties together. So yeah, Great poem keep up the good work.
Amazing poem! However I'm not entirely sure how the last part fits in I might just not be comprehending something however. Also how exactly did you go from guitar rifts to a dismal future? I do however appreciate your use of punctuation. I think its well used and helps bring your poem to life
Sincerely,
Collideascope
Hey guys! Thanks for the reviews!!! I'll post another piece soon! Any more reviews would be greatly appreciated. I will even review one of your pieces if you review mine!