Hey there! Purple here on this lovely end to November's Review Day! Let's get down to business.
Your writing style in general really sticks out in multiple ways in this piece. It's equally confusing as it is interesting, and I can see that you are well on your way to making your writing amazing. At this point, I'll just comment on your writing, since the poem itself because of this was a bit unclear. Sometimes you switch from fantastic vocabulary to sounding like you are casually talking to a friend.
For example, when you said
"which is sure only to feel worse at this rate
because it is, in fact, nearly morning."
It didn't sound 'poetic' to put it simply.
However you also said things like
"that I must be the variable, the cog in the machine, which throws
it all into material chaos."
...Which was absolutely astounding!
My one piece of advice to give you is to sit down with yourself and edit anything you need to. Yes, poetry should sound relaxed at times and not be interrupted by something internal. However, poetry should not sound so desperate to be an organized train of thought that it eventually becomes incoherent. I really hope this helped you in any way possible.
Happy Review Day and good luck!
~Purple
Points: 2421
Reviews: 122
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