Great poem! Very funny.
z
They say that the force of gravity working on us,
at any given time, is equal to the weight of a washing machine.
And I inquire to them, who I can only suppose to be scientists,
what is the weight of the force which acts on me when I am weary?
If, at norm, I can support a washing machine weight upon my shoulders,
what weight is it which acts so suddenly upon me, thrusting my head towards
the desk, the pillow, the floor, the half-eaten plate of spaghetti in front of me?
What physical force is it which pulls my eyelids together,
repulsing the light and the world, the lecture and the classroom?
Or is it just that I have actually weakened to such a great extent,
that no longer can I bear the weight of the world?
No matter. Coffee will be my steroid again
and though I may later be found a cheat,
for now I rise, lifting the weight of a washing machine,
and see the world again.
Hello
So, first thing, even though I haven't read the poem yet, the formatting looks like on big clump. I know YWS sometimes has glitches in this matter but try separating stanza's with ~
Okay, now to reading it
Hooked by the first line, awesome!
Now that I read the first two lines together, they don't quite make sense. Try reading them out loud, and revise as necessary
Nitpick, make sure you end your lines with some punctuation.
The rest is pretty well worded, good job
Keep going!
-Kamryn
Hello OrionRising!
This was an amazingly fantabulous poem! I loved the crisp humour and your usage of words was very smart. This has to be one of my personal favourites at YWS. The fact about the washing machines was interesting and kept me glued. You held rhythm throughout the poem, even without the rhyme, and that is talent.
''who I can only suppose to be scientists''
Gosh. I loved that line.
"repulsing the light and the world, the lecture and the classroom?"
The use of the word 'repulsing' was wonderfully apt and expressed that very emotion rather well.
And also, wow. I can't seem to be able to dig out any nitpicks. Or maybe I'm just extremely lazy. Or weary.
I look forward to more from you!
I adore this. Plain and simple.
The way you write poetry is vastly different than the style I normally see around Young Writer's Society, so it is nice to see. You don't have stanzas or rhyme, but there is a definite message that and rhythm that is present throughout your poem.
I've actually never heard the metaphor of a washing machine, so personally, I find it quite interesting to learn of the theory in such a artistic manner. You work in a lot of points without going off into one of them for an extended period of time, which makes is easy to follow and jump from line to line.
Coffee is totally a steroid, I love the way you put that.
Alright, due to the fact that I can't exactly find a real issue with this, I'm going to tell you what you have working for you: style
Your style is very unique, but relatable. This poem talks of being run down, and depending on something, in this case, coffee, to stimulate you so you can continue you with your requirements for the day. Literally everyone who reads this will be able to recall a time when they felt that tired in class or at work or where ever they were. You need to keep the feeling in play, because if a reader can relate, they're more likely to read it and like.
I hope that helped a bit, because I honestly can't think of anything else to say
AMAZING!
~Maddie
Points: 581
Reviews: 1
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