z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Weariness and Washing Machines

by OrionRising


They say that the force of gravity working on us,

at any given time, is equal to the weight of a washing machine.

And I inquire to them, who I can only suppose to be scientists,

what is the weight of the force which acts on me when I am weary?

If, at norm, I can support a washing machine weight upon my shoulders,

what weight is it which acts so suddenly upon me, thrusting my head towards

the desk, the pillow, the floor, the half-eaten plate of spaghetti in front of me?

What physical force is it which pulls my eyelids together,

repulsing the light and the world, the lecture and the classroom?

Or is it just that I have actually weakened to such a great extent,

that no longer can I bear the weight of the world?

No matter. Coffee will be my steroid again

and though I may later be found a cheat,

for now I rise, lifting the weight of a washing machine,

and see the world again.


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Thu Nov 20, 2014 3:04 pm
Meredith says...



Great poem! Very funny.




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Thu Nov 20, 2014 2:29 pm
elysian wrote a review...



Hello :D

So, first thing, even though I haven't read the poem yet, the formatting looks like on big clump. I know YWS sometimes has glitches in this matter but try separating stanza's with ~

Okay, now to reading it :)

Hooked by the first line, awesome!

Now that I read the first two lines together, they don't quite make sense. Try reading them out loud, and revise as necessary ;)

Nitpick, make sure you end your lines with some punctuation.

The rest is pretty well worded, good job :D

Keep going!

-Kamryn




OrionRising says...


First of all, it is supposed to be one big chunk. Its a stylistic choice which I believe, since this poem is a little bit of a rant, gives the poem a bit more flow.
Secondly, I've re-read the first two lines several times now and they always seem to make sense. Notice the comma at the end of the first line and the comma about midway through the second line, they point out an inserted dependent clause. If you are having trouble understanding the first two lines, imagine that anything between the commas does not exist and just read it as one fluid sentence:
They say that the force of gravity working on us is equal to the weight of a washing machine.

Finally, it is not necessary to end lines with punctuation. My style of poetry uses line-breaks and punctuation somewhat independently. I usually add a line break at the end of an idea. The end an idea often just so happens to coincide with punctuation, but not always.

Anyways, thanks!



elysian says...


All I'm saying is when you end every line with punctuation except for 2 of them, It seems like you're forgetting to instead of a stylistic choice. I do see that now about the first two lines, thank you. But remember, you're not there for the reader to explain anything so try to make it as concise as possible for the reader.



OrionRising says...


True, but honestly, I think it might have just been an error on your part. Everyone else seemed to understand it fine. If multiple people found the first two lines hard to read then I may change them but since it was just you I feel that it was probably just a small error on your part.

Thanks again. :)



elysian says...


Good point :) Just making sure!



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Thu Nov 20, 2014 4:18 am
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yakitsa wrote a review...



Hello OrionRising!

This was an amazingly fantabulous poem! I loved the crisp humour and your usage of words was very smart. This has to be one of my personal favourites at YWS. The fact about the washing machines was interesting and kept me glued. You held rhythm throughout the poem, even without the rhyme, and that is talent.

''who I can only suppose to be scientists''

Gosh. I loved that line.

"repulsing the light and the world, the lecture and the classroom?"

The use of the word 'repulsing' was wonderfully apt and expressed that very emotion rather well.

And also, wow. I can't seem to be able to dig out any nitpicks. Or maybe I'm just extremely lazy. Or weary.

I look forward to more from you!




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Thu Nov 20, 2014 4:16 am
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SereneSimpliciT wrote a review...



I adore this. Plain and simple.
The way you write poetry is vastly different than the style I normally see around Young Writer's Society, so it is nice to see. You don't have stanzas or rhyme, but there is a definite message that and rhythm that is present throughout your poem.

I've actually never heard the metaphor of a washing machine, so personally, I find it quite interesting to learn of the theory in such a artistic manner. You work in a lot of points without going off into one of them for an extended period of time, which makes is easy to follow and jump from line to line.

Coffee is totally a steroid, I love the way you put that.

Alright, due to the fact that I can't exactly find a real issue with this, I'm going to tell you what you have working for you: style
Your style is very unique, but relatable. This poem talks of being run down, and depending on something, in this case, coffee, to stimulate you so you can continue you with your requirements for the day. Literally everyone who reads this will be able to recall a time when they felt that tired in class or at work or where ever they were. You need to keep the feeling in play, because if a reader can relate, they're more likely to read it and like.

I hope that helped a bit, because I honestly can't think of anything else to say
AMAZING!
~Maddie





Daddy Long Legs are more closely related to crabs than spiders and somehow the idea of crablike creatures with spider legs that have escaped the entrappings of the primordial sea and now crawl over land and can walk up and down walls and ceilings creeps me more than I can adequately describe.
— Snoink