sitting under a scarlet sky
blinding reflections across a lake
the early spring air chilling us just a bit
wrapping arms on a picnic blanket
wasn’t this what we were meant for?
nobody else, just us
the outside world doesn’t know our names
we are the outsiders
taking the beaten path that we choose
driving the roads that exist only to us
and we do it together
nobody else, just us
and after our cubicle cookie cutter jobs
finish with the ringing of a 5o’clock bell
we can run away with no worries
we have all we need here
nobody else, just us
we love each other
each
other.
nobody else.
just us.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Great job!
I think this a wonderful poem! There is a strong element of romance in it; I enjoyed it a lot because romance is my favorite genre to read.
Your poem flows very well, good work on that! The only suggestion I have would be for you to add a full stop at the end of nineteenth line. If that sounds a bit complicated, it’s actually the line after you wrote ‘we love each other’.
Anyways, this is one of the best poems I’ve seen here so far, keep up the good work!
Best wishes,
secretrose29
Hi there! This is my very first review on here so my apologies if I say something wrong or confusing! First of all, I love how this was put together! The way you describe how these two lovers feel when they‘re together really puts each of the settings in place beautifully! Like when you describe them at their „Cubicle Cookie Cutter Jobs“, then leaving and being together, it was so all perfectly put together!
I also like the part at the very beginning where you described the two lovers „Sitting UndernA Scarlet Sky“ gives me an inside look on what and where they would be and what they would be seeing! It‘s amazing how you can actually feel the love between these two people! Seriously! It‘s super sweet and gave me the feels!!! Fantasic job! It‘s leaving me wanting more! I totally look foward to seeing more of your work!
Hey, fish. Manilla here for a review - let's get right into it, shall we? (I'm trying out a new review format so don't mind me. Tell me how it works?)
This was such a cute poem, something that gave me sweet little fuzzy feelings of happiness and joy and a thousand radiating unicorns. There's even a hint of nostalgia in this, which I found surprising to myself. The scene in the beginning was romantic as well, and you're setting up a unique voice for all your poetry (from what I've read.)
Nitpicks
You could use some imagery to better depict the early spring air. But at the same time, that does match with the mood you've created - honest, down-to-earth.
I like the alliteration for "cubicle cookie cutter jobs", but I'm not sure what that means, exactly. Also, don't mind me, but the time would be written as: 5 o'clock bell ; ))
Suggestions:
1) This could just be a personal thing, but I feel like the choppy ending doesn't work, especially with the short lines in the rest of the poem. Perhaps continue like the latter?
2) Add some words that make this poem jump out, that make it vivid to us. Like in the beginning - that was just the right amount.
3) Maybe add punctuation, like commas, semicolons. It gives the poem a beat, even though it's meant to be freeverse.
Keep writing! I'm glad you're writing happy stuff like this.
-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem rude or unhelpful. That was not my intention.)
This is such a sweet poem! I love it, keep up the amazing work!
Hi Katness here with a reveiw (;
First of all I am so excited to find a fourteen year old on here. It seems that real young writers are absent. I hope you've been enjoying this site so far.
This review is not intended to make your writing look bad or to offend or hurt you. That said beware this review may hurt or offend you anyway. That said let's get this over with.
First Impression
This sounds neat. You really have a nice voice. I think you describe your feelings neatly.
Word Choice
I'll start with your first lines
sitting under a scarlet sky
blinding reflections across a lake
the early spring air chilling us just a bit
First of all the third stanza sounds find with out that just a bit. Secant I feel that the word blinding could be substituted for a better word. That's it for this part.
wrapping arms on a picnic blanket
wasn’t this what we were meant for?
I think you should take out that question mark and that wasn't. I think the poem will flow better if that part were not a question. Or perhaps just take that out. Oh and maybe think about using a different word then wrapping. On to the next
nobody else, just us
the outside world doesn’t know our names
we are the outsiders
secant I noticed you use outside then outsiders. Those two words sound to much alike. Also I'd try changing that doesn't into oblivious to our names. Moving on
taking the beaten path that we choose
driving the roads that exist only to us
and we do it together
First of all I'd word the first part more like this
taking beaten paths only we choose
As for the secant part just take out that the and replace it with down.
as for the last line take out together and try as one.
Okay I'll call it quites for know. I hope I did not sound to abrasive.
Overall
Nicely done.
Hope this review helps.
Katness
Hi! would this help you when quoting the text?
[quote] xxx[/quote]