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E - Everyone

just us

by fishsashimi


sitting under a scarlet sky

blinding reflections across a lake

the early spring air chilling us just a bit

wrapping arms on a picnic blanket

wasn’t this what we were meant for?

nobody else, just us

the outside world doesn’t know our names

we are the outsiders

taking the beaten path that we choose

driving the roads that exist only to us

and we do it together

nobody else, just us

and after our cubicle cookie cutter jobs

finish with the ringing of a 5o’clock bell

we can run away with no worries

we have all we need here

nobody else, just us

we love each other

each

other.

nobody else.

just us.


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User avatar
7 Reviews


Points: 104
Reviews: 7

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Sat Feb 23, 2019 12:37 am
secretrose29 says...






User avatar
7 Reviews


Points: 104
Reviews: 7

Donate
Sat Feb 23, 2019 12:37 am
secretrose29 says...



Great job!




User avatar
7 Reviews


Points: 104
Reviews: 7

Donate
Sat Feb 23, 2019 12:37 am
secretrose29 wrote a review...



I think this a wonderful poem! There is a strong element of romance in it; I enjoyed it a lot because romance is my favorite genre to read.

Your poem flows very well, good work on that! The only suggestion I have would be for you to add a full stop at the end of nineteenth line. If that sounds a bit complicated, it’s actually the line after you wrote ‘we love each other’.

Anyways, this is one of the best poems I’ve seen here so far, keep up the good work!

Best wishes,
secretrose29




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Points: 68
Reviews: 1

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Tue Feb 19, 2019 7:50 pm
LForLizzy wrote a review...



Hi there! This is my very first review on here so my apologies if I say something wrong or confusing! First of all, I love how this was put together! The way you describe how these two lovers feel when they‘re together really puts each of the settings in place beautifully! Like when you describe them at their „Cubicle Cookie Cutter Jobs“, then leaving and being together, it was so all perfectly put together!
I also like the part at the very beginning where you described the two lovers „Sitting UndernA Scarlet Sky“ gives me an inside look on what and where they would be and what they would be seeing! It‘s amazing how you can actually feel the love between these two people! Seriously! It‘s super sweet and gave me the feels!!! Fantasic job! It‘s leaving me wanting more! I totally look foward to seeing more of your work!




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102 Reviews


Points: 300
Reviews: 102

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Wed Feb 13, 2019 2:23 am
manilla wrote a review...



Hey, fish. Manilla here for a review - let's get right into it, shall we? (I'm trying out a new review format so don't mind me. Tell me how it works?)

This was such a cute poem, something that gave me sweet little fuzzy feelings of happiness and joy and a thousand radiating unicorns. There's even a hint of nostalgia in this, which I found surprising to myself. The scene in the beginning was romantic as well, and you're setting up a unique voice for all your poetry (from what I've read.)

Nitpicks

the early spring air chilling us just a bit


You could use some imagery to better depict the early spring air. But at the same time, that does match with the mood you've created - honest, down-to-earth.

and after our cubicle cookie cutter jobs
finish with the ringing of a 5o’clock bell


I like the alliteration for "cubicle cookie cutter jobs", but I'm not sure what that means, exactly. Also, don't mind me, but the time would be written as: 5 o'clock bell ; ))

Suggestions:
each

other.

nobody else.

just us.


1) This could just be a personal thing, but I feel like the choppy ending doesn't work, especially with the short lines in the rest of the poem. Perhaps continue like the latter?
2) Add some words that make this poem jump out, that make it vivid to us. Like in the beginning - that was just the right amount.
3) Maybe add punctuation, like commas, semicolons. It gives the poem a beat, even though it's meant to be freeverse.

Keep writing! I'm glad you're writing happy stuff like this.
-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem rude or unhelpful. That was not my intention.)




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101 Reviews


Points: 4597
Reviews: 101

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Tue Feb 12, 2019 5:02 pm
Liberty500 says...



This is such a sweet poem! I love it, keep up the amazing work! :)




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107 Reviews


Points: 58
Reviews: 107

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Tue Feb 12, 2019 3:56 pm
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Katnes wrote a review...



Hi Katness here with a reveiw (;
First of all I am so excited to find a fourteen year old on here. It seems that real young writers are absent. I hope you've been enjoying this site so far.
This review is not intended to make your writing look bad or to offend or hurt you. That said beware this review may hurt or offend you anyway. That said let's get this over with.
First Impression
This sounds neat. You really have a nice voice. I think you describe your feelings neatly.
Word Choice
I'll start with your first lines
sitting under a scarlet sky

blinding reflections across a lake

the early spring air chilling us just a bit

First of all the third stanza sounds find with out that just a bit. Secant I feel that the word blinding could be substituted for a better word. That's it for this part.
wrapping arms on a picnic blanket

wasn’t this what we were meant for?
I think you should take out that question mark and that wasn't. I think the poem will flow better if that part were not a question. Or perhaps just take that out. Oh and maybe think about using a different word then wrapping. On to the next
nobody else, just us

the outside world doesn’t know our names

we are the outsiders

secant I noticed you use outside then outsiders. Those two words sound to much alike. Also I'd try changing that doesn't into oblivious to our names. Moving on

taking the beaten path that we choose

driving the roads that exist only to us

and we do it together

First of all I'd word the first part more like this
taking beaten paths only we choose
As for the secant part just take out that the and replace it with down.
as for the last line take out together and try as one.
Okay I'll call it quites for know. I hope I did not sound to abrasive.
Overall
Nicely done.
Hope this review helps.
Katness




manilla says...


Hi! would this help you when quoting the text?

Code: Select all
[quote] xxx[/quote]




It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien