Young Writers Society

I thought it was really good. I like the style of the poem, and how the main character wants the next day to get better.

I think maybe work on imagery because I want to be able to imagine the situation. I can understand what is going on but I have no idea where this is taking place, what sickness the person has, or how long they have been suffering. I can assume it is something like a cold or a cough from the cough drops and I can make the assumption that it is making them upset. This is good, but the poem is vague and could have more description for the reader to better understand what is going on.

Hello friend!

So: I really liked this poem. I liked how you conveyed the emotion and feeling of sickness, and overall, I think you did an excellent job.

Here are some observations: (feel free to disagree )

I do think that the line: "My body quaking," doesn't really fit with the previous and following style of the poem. I think it's because the lines surrounding it are in the present tense (ie: That's all I 'think', or I 'think' of.)

When you have the lines : "My body quaking" and "My mind trying to keep from drowning," they kind of break that feeling.

Something you could probably do to fix that is to say something like "WITH my body quaking," or even just adding a comma or two: "My body quaking, my mind trying to keep from drowning..., I think of family."

Other than that, I really didn't notice any other problems Well done!

1.What I liked
I loved your choice of words-I particulerly liked that line pain consumes me whole. Once again no hurt is intended, and I didn't intend to undermine the poem.
2. Flow & Style
I noticed a few lines that I don't think fit with the rest of the poem-First of all the line my body quaking doesn't seem to fit the proceeding line -my mind . . .Secant the line the sand mand carries me away didn't make sense or seem to fit.
3. Grammar & Spelling
You did fine on your spelling, but I think you could use commas rather then complete sentences. It might help. Feel free to ignore me.
Overall & Encouragement
Over all I loved it keep on writing! you captured the awful feeling of being sick and night . . . ick to night sickness!