I sat in the almost too tall grass and I felt the breeze on my body and everything was exploding. It was dark and the smell of a burning fire permeated my senses and roasted s'mores filled my mouth. I was alone, and I was fine with that. It gave me time to think.
It was quiet until the sky burst into a thousand stars and I wondered if each of those lights had a soul trapped in them screaming to their loved ones that they were okay. Maybe they were yelling to them so they'd stop crying, maybe that's why it was so loud.
Boom.
A thousand more tiny screams combined into one explosion. I wondered if this was another reason we'd set off fireworks, not only for the freedom of our country but maybe even for the freedom of all the tortured souls. They're tortured because they can't soothe their loved ones, freed because they can finally make a noise.
I wondered if the people that have lost them realized they're screaming to them. Maybe they were too busy drowning in anti-depressants and choking on their tears to realize that everything would be okay. Maybe they were sleeping away their pains and they wouldn't open their eyes long enough to see how freaking beautiful all those souls were.
Those souls sparkled and shined, because they knew more than the rest of us. The wisdom inside them made them shimmer, and their cries made them shake. They had put on a dance for us becuase they knew we'd all be okay. The ugly would be beautiful, the sad would be happy once again. They'd fill us with hope and joy and they'd let us know that we'd all last at least that night.
I sat in the almost too tall grass once and thought of this. Now I scream to my loved one's to stop crying, to stop worrying, I am sparkling and shining and dancing in the sky for you. I hope I fill you with hope, and joy. I hope that at least just for tonight, you stop crying, and you realize it's gonna be okay.
{excerpt from a novel I'll never write #2}
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Very good with what you brought out your emotions and I love of how there are no mistakes!
Very good poem and interesting to read!
honey <3 you gotta write a little more than that for it to be a review
Very good with what you brought out your emotions and I love of how there are no mistakes!
Very good poem and interesting to read!
Hey Lylas,
Firstly, I feel that you should shift i from the poetry section to the short story section because that it a tad more suitable. I can't really point out any mistakes in the writing, cause there aren't any! You've brought out the emotions so well, exquisite! The imagination and thoughtfulness just blew me apart. It was so amazing.
"It was queit until the sky burst into a thousand stars and I wondered if each of those lights had a soul trapped in them screaming to their loved ones that they were okay. Maybe they were yelling to them so they'd stop crying, maybe that's why it was so loud."
(I have written this down in my diary where I write down my fav write-ups of all time. And in the first line you did a typo with *quiet*)
And hey, please do write this novel. We must take out time for our dreams and keep true to them. Life will go on, you need to keep your passion going on,too! :')
-Ishita Dutt
awe thank you <3
And this is like a mini series of "excerpts" from novels I'll never write. Just basically metaphors that are drawn out.
Timmy here
So I will keep this pretty short as there isn't much to say except in the line of compliments. I love that you're coming up with all these ideas, but I wish you would finish them! I mean, the first one had a great premise and I loved the idea of the strings and such. It really was an amazing idea, and the main character was alive and interesting. This one was just as good, with a bit more of a poetic touch throughout the piece. It's wonderful to read and see how you can adapt so effortlessly to different POV and styles in writing.
So I am going to read through one more time and see what I can find~
Okay. Look at your first paragraph. It's a good example of your entire piece. While you have lovely narration and I love the voice of your character, it lacks something - your writing does. And there's an error in there that should be weeded out. Redundancy - not the kind of redundancy you're thinking of, like the last one where it was the repetition of strings, but a repeating of sentence formatting. Your sentences repeat themselves too much. They're oftentimes, if not mostly I did this or It was this, which while those sentences are fine to use, they become quite redundant very soon. Especially when used in close proximity and as frequent as you did. I know it's something you can't fix in a weekend. I discovered that I wrote like that about two years ago, and still I have issues. While it isn't a horrible habit to have (and one every writer grows out of), it's best to see it and work on mending the issue as time goes on. Remember - sentence variance.
You know what? When I read through this piece, I don't see it as an incomplete work like it was taken from the middle of something, but more like it's a complete thought - a complete idea. ESPECIALLY the end. I loved that part. Although, really, the entire piece was pure magic. It read smoothly, had little bumps, and that perfect ending just tied up all the loose ends. It really is a wonderful excerpt, and I think I like it even better than your first. It's more beautiful than the first, and is more internal thought than all emotional dialogue.
You misspelled that~
Another misspelling~
There are a few misspellings in this piece - more than your usual. If they matter to you, I'd go through and just read carefully so you find the rest. But really, I had to read the piece three times before I found the first.
This was aaaaamazing.
~Darth Timmyjake
kjqwyrflsahkjsd
I do feel like this has a lot more meaning, and I really thought out the ending because I couldn't think of one at first xD But yeah! I didn't know if this would be that good but it seems like it is xP
Timmy <3
Thank you so muchhhhh. Seriously makes my day! I probably should've put it through spell check before posting. I wrote it on a pad that doesn't have spell check so I didn't realize I had misspellings, I shall do that tonight
And thank you for the compliments, really makes me feel all mushy inside
I understand the starting of sentences, blah. Thank you for pointing out these things so I can work on them. Fireworks/stars where the main symbol/metaphor in this piece, so I tried to use different words to describe it, unlike my last one.
Thank you thank you thank you.
more to come soon <3
Hi I'm Ash and I am here to write a review!!
Alright, let's get started.
The first sentence,is a run on sentence.
"I sat in the almost too tall grass and I felt the breeze on my body and everything was exploding."
The best way to fix this is to add commas or split the sentence up (make sure it makes sense of course).
That caught my eye in an instant. Don't get me wrong this is a pretty good hook though.
This whole paragraph is alright.Just I see run on sentences, please fix them. You don't want your reader to tire out.
I'm guessing the explosions in the sky are fireworks. Please do realize the show don't tell rule doesn't have to apply to this. You can say they are fireworks and then describe every little detail.
And the third paragraph. Holy macaroni. That was powerful. I really liked it.
All of this I really liked. Like wow good job! But please work on your grammar mistakes and such. Also please explain the "excerpt of a novel I will never write" thingy.
Cause honestly that makes no sense.
Alright keep writing!:) . If you need writing advice ever- hit me up okay? See ya!
First of all, do you mean "excerpt from a novel"?
Secondly, some of the words that begin sentences are not capitalized. Be careful with that.
Also, misspelled words: quiet, because, realize. And in the second sentence of your last paragraph, "loved ones" does not need an apostrophe.
Sorry if this sounds nitpicky. I really like how this story is deep and causes the reader to think carefully about life.
Keep up the good work!
clubs/2174
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