Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Script » Dramatic

12+ Mature Content

wicked little reminders

by elysian


I'm falling in love with all the wrong things.

The lightning and the sound of thunder, and how dark it gets when it rains. It reminds me that there is a God, and that he hurts as much as we do.

The way my bones stick out of my body when I see myself naked in my mirror. It reminds me that I have bones, some sort of structure in my life.

How dark my blood is when it leaves my body. The darkness of it reminds me that humans aren't perfect, that no one is.

The high I'm on when I'm smoking whatever they give me. It reminds me that I don't have to be sad all the time, there is a medication that actually works for depression.

The pain I feel when my heart breaks. It reminds me that I'm alive and that I can still feel something, I don't have to be numb forever.

But worst of them all I'm falling in love with you.

I'm falling in love with the person you are when no one is watching. The way you smile at nothing, and the way you dance. I'm falling in love with the way you talk to me, and the way I think you care about me. I'm falling in love with the way you make me smile and the way you're there for me. I'm falling in love with our inside jokes and our late night calls.

I'm falling in love with you.

The person you pretend to be just gets in the way.

{excerpt from a novel I'll never write #3}


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1007 Reviews


Points: 13831
Reviews: 1007

Donate
Sat Aug 01, 2015 10:18 pm
TimmyJake wrote a review...



Timmy here! For youuuu, little sis. <3

I've read this through twice, and man, you're not very nice. :_; I can't find anything to critique of real consequence. All I have are trivial things you'd figure out in moments, points you know all too well, but forgot to implement here. Because this piece is too good! I especially love your idea - how love isn't always loving the perfect things, but many times the contrary. They say when you fall in love with a person, it's their flaws you fall in love with the most - not their perfections. And I think that is summed up in this piece, too.

Your metaphors? Or whatever they're called. >> Perfect - I love them! The second one especially was amazing, how she's comparing her bones to a structure in her life, the only structure. What it reminds her of there was incredible, and in an effortless attempt, you brought an image to me. And more than just a tangible picture to grasp. In fact, the only line I didn't like as much (when I meant line, I mean what you're falling in love with) was the one about smoking and the high... and that's only because how you told us what it reminded her of was bland compared to the rest.

Now let me ramble about your idea.

I think you have too much going in in too short of a piece. When I read through this, I don't see it as you going through and snipping out a favorite piece of text from a novel, but a whole piece that could evolve into one - but very pared down. And I think you could have done a better job giving this piece a focus? I thought it did, and that the entire focus of the piece was that she was falling in love with all the wrong things. That was perfect! I loved your idea, loved how you expressed it. To me, it read as poetry more than anything else. But that last sentence bugged me. >> I think the only reason why is that it completely spins the piece around and gives it a whole new focal point. It's almost written like a chapter from a novel, when the author throws a cliffhanger at the ending, and the reader is spinning on the edge of insanity, waiting for the author to explain themselves in the next chapter. This isn't quite that mean, but it has the same feeling because you didn't explain yourself. Your lead us along down the same road the entire trip... and then turned onto another road at the last second.

But at the same time, I love that part of it. It's one of those lines that grips the reader, you know? So I think instead of cutting it out and abandoning it altogether, you could weave it into the rest of the piece. Take those magnimoninious talents of yours and fit this idea into the rest of the piece.

At the end of the piece, you know something? All of these things she has fallen in love with - they all make sense. They ground her and make her feel alive, when without, there's nothing to live for. And I love how you inserted that feeling into the piece, too.

One of your best. <3 When's #4 ?
~Darth Timmyjake




Random avatar

Points: 300
Reviews: 0

Donate
Sat Aug 01, 2015 8:53 pm
View Likes
Lexlex58 says...



This is beautiful in a very dark, raw way. I think it's brilliant and expresses your emotions very well. I love this. If the rest of that novel is as good as this excerpt, I sat go for it. This is very well written.




User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 343
Reviews: 6

Donate
Sat Aug 01, 2015 8:46 am
View Likes
Enemy wrote a review...



I'm falling in love with all the wrong things.

The lightning and the sound of thunder, it gets when it rains. It reminds me that there is a God, and that he hurts as much as we do.

The way my bones stick out of my body when I see myself naked in my mirror. It reminds me that I have bones, some sort of structure in my life.

How dark my blood is when it leaves my body. The darkness of it reminds me that humans aren't perfect, that no one is.

The high I'm on when I'm smoking whatever they give me. It reminds me that I don't have to be sad all the time, there is a medication that actually works for depression.

The pain I feel when my heart breaks. It reminds me that I'm alive and that I can still feel something, I don't have to be numb forever.

But worst of them all I'm falling in love with you.

I'm falling in love with the person you are when no one is watching. The way you smile at nothing, and the way you dance. I'm falling in love with the way you talk to me, and the way I think you care about me. I'm falling in love with the way you make me smile and the way you're there for me. I'm falling in love with our inside jokes and our late night calls.

I'm falling in love with you.

The person you pretend to be just gets in the way.

{excerpt from a novel I'll never write #3 }



and how dark


I don't think the 'and' is needed here.


It reminds me that there is a God, and that he hurts as much as we do.


I'm taking a pause, and just saying how much I love this line here, it's not too deep, yet deep enough to generalise and draw the audiences' attention.


The person you pretend to be just gets in the way.


Also a beautiful statement.

I've tried to pick apart what you have written to help you improve but It's brilliant, almost every line is relatable in some way or another, it's deep enough to gain emotional attachment without losing interest.

A very, very good piece of writing, you should finish it.
You should DEFINITELY finish it.
wow.





Deal with the faults of others as gently as with your own.
— Chinese proverb