pitter patter
I look outside my window, greys and blues illuminating the cloudy skies as the endless rain fell from them. My fingers are running through the curls in his blonde hair as his head moves along with the contracting and expanding of my lungs. I love when we cuddled like this, with his head on my chest. I felt the warmth on my skin and in my heart, seeing the top of his eyelashes as he slept peacefully.
peace. pure bliss.
He’s the kind of wonderful that goes unnoticed. A purely genuine soul and even though he is young he is so wise. He sees the world in ways that no one else would recognize, helps without the need for anything in return, and loves completely and blindly. His voice seems to truly come from the heavens above for it brings me to tears and utter speechlessness every time he graces me with its sound.
pitter patter
I open my eyes, feeling the cold that surrounds me. The emptiness in my arms makes my heart break, for that boy will never be mine. His heart still belongs to someone else, and I will only ever be his friend. I will watch him grow wonderfully and beautifully and let him take up all of the sunlight because he can never know that he will be the death of me.
{excerpt from a novel i’ll never write #11}
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
Hi, Elysian! As you so kindly reviewed my story, I'm here to return the favour! (Though I'm a little rusty) - *rolls up sleeves*. So, I really enjoyed this piece of writing. It was very harrowing and heart-wrenching to me, as I could sense a kind of quiet desperation and longing beneath the love the protagonist had for his/her little boy. I don't know if that's what you intended? But nevertheless, I thought there was a kind of sadness/pathos beneath his/her love. I wish I knew what the last paragraph meant, because I don't understand how the child will never be theirs and how his heart belonged to someone else, as it seemed to me that he was their own child; I'm assuming, though, that this would make sense if you ever got around to finishing this story.
One thing that bothered me was the lack of capitalisation on each 'pitter patter' refrain. Was that intentional? It's not a big deal or anything, but I thought I'd bring it up.
If there's anything else you'd like me to review, let me know!
haha, I like your interpretation, but this is actually about a guy and a girl in love, not a mother and child :p but thank you! It's cool to know people can make this poem relate to what they want
and yes, the capitalization was purposeful
Woah o_O I was way off. Ha ha! I see it now! *ducks head in embarrassment*
Your poem was impressive. I got the theatrical picture in my mind, when I read the first paragraph. The way you described him in next aroused the interest even more. The last one brought tears to my eyes, it was intense . Looking forward for more from you. Wish you the best, great work
<3 thank you so much
This was a beautiful poem and I loved all the details that you placed, and I could hear your heart break in the third paragraph when you are talking about how the boy that you love will never be yours. It was so meaningful, and I really enjoyed it. Keep up the good work, this is great.
Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.
Thanks for sharing this exquisitely beautiful poem about a girl who is deeply in love with someone whom she deeply admires but knows will never be hers. I like how the somber mood of the ending is foreshadowed in the introduction by the cloudy skies and endless rain
The imagery of his head resting on her bosom rising and falling as she admires his personality and character virtues seems like a scene from some wonderland. Totally captivating. Her effusive love is also very admirable because it not only involves the physical but also the virtue of selflessness that she perceives in him. The choice of gold color for his hair contrasts with the rain and cloudiness mentioned at the outset. Its curliness hints at vibrancy of life.
But then the reality interrupts and imposes itself as she suddenly finds herself fantasizing under the cold drops of reality the bringing her back to her senses and remind her of the bitter truth, that she will never have him for herself and must watch from the sidelines ashe goes his own distant way.
I found the read extremely fascinating and your ability to describe it absolutely marvelous! Especially the ending where she tells us that she will let him deprive her of light and not complain because he should never know how she feels.
Suggestion
Tenses
I look outside my window, greys and blues illuminating the cloudy skies as the endless rain fell
[I look outside my window, greys and blues illuminating the cloudy skies as the endless rain falls.] This is to maintain the harmony of the present tense.
If they are both inside and she is looking out with his head is resting on her bosom,. how do the cold raindrops gain access to her? Shouldn’t the window shatter to let in the rain?
All in all a very good read written by a very talented writer. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
thank you so much! I am, however, confused when I stated that the rain drops were on her?
Sorry! That must have come from my imagination.
haha, thanks though!