Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.
"Stop pushing me away! Talk to me babygirl, don't you love me?" he asked.
His voice shot so many feelings into my bloodstream I felt like it was a drug injected to go straight to my soul. How could I do this to a perfect angel, someone who has been nothing but amazing to me this past year and a half? How could I be so selfish that I would waste a year and five months of memories on my petty incapability to love? Did I care about him? Hell yes. Did that really matter in the end? Not at all.
"No, I don't love you." I cringed as he let out a breath. It was the kind of breath that you let out after taking a blow to your gut, or rather your heart. "Not for reasons you think. I have spent years, and years trapped by all these strings. Strings that tied me to him, strings that tied me to her, strings that tied me to this or that. Everyday a new string crossed another, and soon everything in my world grew dark covered in all these strings. At first you looked like light, and you were. You made me happy, treated me like I didn't deserve, and you stayed with me through everything. But I realize now you're just another fucking string. You may be the lightest one there is, but you're also the thickest. And I've been trying to cut all these strings for years so I can breathe for once. And maybe the only reason why I can't breathe is because of you."
I about died watching him walk away. The thing about the thickest string is that it's the hardest to cut off.
{excerpt from a novel I'll never write #1}
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
This poem was very emotional and I can tell it meant a lot to you. Seeing emotions brought out like this really shows the best in writers. I like the metaphors you use and the way you talk about strings that need to be cut. Not many writers can express there feeling like this and the poem was very interesting to read so I give it a big thumbs and cant wait to see what else you write.
you're so cute. but you don't have to post these twice :p
im not trying to the thing just does it automatically
This poem was very emotional and I can tell it meant a lot to you. Seeing emotions brought out like this really shows the best in writers. I like the metaphors you use and the way you talk about strings that need to be cut. Not many writers can express there feeling like this and the poem was very interesting to read so I give it a big thumbs and cant wait to see what else you write.
one down, four to go
Hi, Lylas! Can't wait to review this one. (Why did it take me so long? O.O)
Ready? Set? Go!
Introduction:
I have to admit... I went into this apprehensively. I've met/edited lots of writers who had an unbelievably full poetic repertoire, but when asked to churn out a bit of prose, froze up. You, my friend, did nothing of the sort. I can tell that this excerpt was met with the same beautiful voice and attention to detail that I see in your poetry.
Grammar and Nitpicky Stuff:
"Babygirl" should be two words. (Unless you meant it as a special nickname, in which case... ignore me.
I'd suggest that you convert this simile into a metaphor, like, "His voice was a drug, injected straight into my soul." The message becomes much more powerful when you state it as a fact, not as a comparison.
This is a bit of a complex sentence. What about, "I had wasted a year and a half of his life on my incapability to love"?
This ending could be a bit stronger if you were more definite. Now, obviously love is not definite, but I'd still try something like, "not at all".
This sentence has a lot of potential. I'd try to simplify it a bit and make it more image-driven, like "it was the kind of breath that followed a knife to the heart", etc.
Wow, this is beautiful. I cringe as I say this, but--because it's so beautiful and so raw and so much, I'm going to put a grammatically-corrected version below.
I omitted the curse ("f******") because I felt that it broke up the voice... from being desperate to being angry. I mean, it was a whirlwind of emotions!
I think you omitted a "just" here. But I'd also go for a more powerful phrase, like "something died inside of me", etc.
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This is a great thought, but it seemed a bit too obvious to be as meaningful as possible. What about "Something died inside of me as I watched him walk away. But the string was finally cut... and I could see the light." Anyway, your choice!
Overall Points and Resources:
Okay. So as I said before, your writing is powerful and beautiful. Great job making that transition into prose. Below, I'll detail a few main points and resources concerning those points.
- Being goal-oriented in your dialogue. There's a nice chunk of text here. It's beautiful, meaningful, and has a great message... only someone's saying it. I can't talk without pausing when I read that, and it really helps "paint the picture" when you include reactions, etc. Here's a piece about that. It's a bit confusing at times but UNBELIEVABLY INTERESTING. Linguistics and Dialogue, Intro
- Develop your secondary character further. Now, obviously, this is an excerpt. But I'd still love to help you flesh out your other character in the context of this work. Here's a cool bit about that! Creating the Perfect Secondary Character
- Pacing. I know, I know. It doesn't seem important, but the little details do count. I promise. This ties into adding small phrases in between dialogue, like "she scuffed her shoe along the ground", etc. There's a thing by Rosendorn which I found infinitely helpful.
Keep writing, you're really gifted and I love reading your work!
IronSpark
Thank you for all your lovely comments! I shall answer and clear some things up :p
"babygirl" is a nickname.
in my opinion I feel like it's better as a simile, although I know what you mean.
I feel like the way I worded that goes best with the meaning of it.
I will change that to "not at all".
I will change that to the knife in the heart thing.
Thank you for your edit, but I will keep the F word in there because she is frustrated about this.
I think the ending is okay...
I feel like just because someone is saying it doesn't mean while reading it aloud doesn't mean you can't pause where you feel necessary.
thank you for this, and I hope you understand my response <3
Hey, thanks for taking the time to respond to the review. The true mark of a dedicated writer is what you just did--easily accepting and critiquing criticism.
I normally am not a fan of prose poetry, but this was done incredibly well. The metaphor of strings is particularly touching, was it an allusion to the Fates of Greek Mythology? I think we all have felt them pulling. There's also a sort of melody to this poem that can't be replicated in any other form- the words are strung together well(lol). The only problem I found was in the punctuation, which another reviewer already addressed. Very nice work. If you wrote this novel I would totally read it.
HAI
So this is going to be short and sweet, just like the piece. :3
I love your ideas and how you wrap them around the characters, just like the string did to her. Your story grips us and doesn't let go, pulling me along. It's nice to not feel in control of the images in your head, just reading along and allowing the pictures and story to create themselves there. This is some of your best writing, and I felt as though it read almost perfectly - few hitches to spoil the ride and such beautiful emotion and imagery as I read along. I loved it.
A few small things~
This is a question, so remember the correct punctuation. c:
If anything ruins the piece here (and it doesn't at all), it would be the redundancy in the word strings. EVERYWHERE, there are strings. Read through and the story bounces us all over the place, just. strings. everywhere. I know it's difficult to find synonyms for that word, and sometimes it's impossible, but there are always things you can do to either take some out and smooth it over, or use different words with the same meaning. It's something you'll become better at over time, and the redundancy won't happen quite as often. I doubt you'd ever edit this, because it's not something I think you would re-write? So just keep a careful watch on the horizon for that redundancy. It can creep up on you.
#lookatmepiratesofthecarribeanreference
I admit I was a tad confused throughout this. When it started and throughout the first few paragraphs, I thought she did love him. It was evident in her thoughts, feelings - even the words. But when she began to speak, things were different, and it didn't read to me like she was lying when she said I don't love you, but it didn't seem the same sentiment as in the paragraph before. I don't think much needs to be changed, but some tweaking of the emotions throughout would be a good idea.
I'm subscribing to this club. Sounds like such a fun thing to do. I'mma follow your beautiful writing and have fun.
~Darth Timmyjake
Darth Timmy, what joy you always bring to me
I honestly adore anything you have to say to me and I soak it up like a sponge!
First off, that little typo has been changed.
second, I understand what you mean about the word "strings" being over used...*quickly googles synonyms* Yeah there's not much here that would honestly fit with the storyline. I think that changing it would change the meaning a little more than I would like to, but I totally understand what you're saying and i will take that and make sure I look out for using it in future pieces.
I guess I kind of understand your third point, and honestly it's pretty argument-able. Did she really love him or did she just like the idea of loving him? Was she lying to herself? guess we'll never really know.
(In my mind, she doesn't love him because although he brings a lot of light and pretend happiness, he's a string. And she's learned to hate strings.)
Thank you for subscribing, working on my next one tonight hopefully
THIS IS SO FANTASTIC MY GOSH HOW YOU DO THIS AWESOMNESS!!!!
Yeah, I really need to learn how to write better. <3
I don't know hehe, just kinda spews out.
Love it. Absolutely love it. The strings metaphor is fantastic. It works. That parting line is just perfect. It's very good.
I don't have too many things to say, other than 'I love this'.
Little typo 'Did that really matter in the end? not truly.' The 'not' needs a capital N.
'taking a blow to your gut-your heart rather' this might flow better if you try something like 'your gut, or rather your heart'. The gut-your makes it look like a weird hyphenated word.
'Everyday a new string crossed another, and soon it grew dark covered in all these strings'. What grew dark? Your world? It isn't terribly clear. The sentence just doesn't quite work. Maybe try 'and soon everything grew dark, covered by all these strings'. Or something along those lines.
I will definitely be waiting to see more of these. I think you have an amazing talent. More please!
I made the changes you suggested! Thank you
for updates when I post more of these: clubs.php?id=2174