Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.
The sun peeked through my window a little earlier than I wanted, and I hit snooze about five times before I finally swung my legs over the bed. I rubbed my eyes, walking over to my dresser and opening the sock drawer where I kept everything I needed, weed included, in a small rectangular box. Bliss melted over me as my head became fuzzier and static, unfeeling. I wouldn’t necessarily describe it as numbing, but it definitely dulled everything and made it more bearable. I popped on my contacts, my eyes watering as I pulled on a dress and some vans, too lazy to actually put thought into an outfit.
Slowly, I felt myself getting more and more out of it, my head spinning as I said goodbye to my adorable dog and got in my car. Taking a deep breath, I started the engine, turning the music all the way up and losing myself. I drove to school, completely happy. My high didn’t fade until the second block, and all that was left was exhaustion and guilt. Why can’t I quit? Why do I have to be high all the time to be happy? Why didn’t I just get rid of everything? This isn’t the person I wanted to be.
School finally comes to an end, although it had been dragging on for what felt like a lifetime. I get in my car, roll another blunt, and smoke. The toxins fill my lungs and tickle my throat on the way out. And once again, everything inside me was dull but the world around me was bright and beautiful. A never ending cycle of me wanted to be known as more than just a stoner and me inevitably smoking any moment I can anyways. Maybe I’m not as strong of a person as I thought.
{excerpt from a novel I’ll never write #17}
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“everything inside me was dull but the world around me was bright and beautiful”
I couldn’t have said it better.
Same goes for,
“I popped on my contacts, my eyes watering”
I like that the emotions follows the character so realistically, coming in as the high fades, and a self conscious thought after a day at school sounds about right.
By the way your profile picture conveys the premise of this poem perfectly.
Hello, pelsteam here to review.
I don’t know if this is the opening to the story or just an excerpt, but I’d personally recommend not starting a story with the protagonist waking up. Since the story seems to be about the protagonist’s struggles with drug use, perhaps you could start the ball rolling with a unique problem that it’s caused or perhaps them smoking?
Unless you can link this to the drug use (e.g. sore or bloodshot eyes) I personally wouldn’t bother mentioning this.
Sure this is kind of lazy, but fairly typical teen lazy and not lazy to the extent where the protagonist is really suffering. I think either cut this out or make the protagonist have a fight with themselves to not just go to school in their pyjamas.
How does this affect their lessons? Do their friends recognise they’re high? Are they struggling with motor skills? Does the teacher know? Are they spending the entire period waiting for the bell to ring so they can get a smoke?
Can you show this more through their actions? Maybe they text their dealer in class because they’re nearly out; are they resentful of this? Are they worrying about how they’re going to afford it? Do their friends get annoyed at them?
Watch out for the tense shift here.
Another tense shift. Also, I wouldn’t necessarily associate this sensation with weed. Maybe other drugs, but weed tends to make the world slow and relaxed rather than bright and beautiful.
Overall this is an interesting little passage, but I think you could really flesh this out with various things the protagonist does throughout their day and give us more of a glimpse into their psychology.
Let me know if you have any questions!
Hey, there. I saw your work in the green room and decided to look it over. First of all, I will say that this sounds more like a pointed short story in itself, rather than part of a novel. It seems more of a reflective bit that leaves the reader thinking deeply, pondering critical future choices. Although the narrator's issue is left unresolved, that almost seems like the point of the whole thing. However, I'm not saying it could not be worked into a novel at all. So starting from the assumption that this is indeed a novel excerpt, I will continue to review it as such.
The opening paragraph is very relatable, but not necessarily very alive. The sun morning coming in through a window, the narrator or main character waking to greet the day, the alarm clock - these things are very generic and don't do well at grabbing the reader and pulling them into the story immediately. Without a strong opening sentence, you basically have to assume that your reader is already interested, and in general, a reader is not specifically interested in a new novel unless they have been gripped by the book's synopsis or something. So I'd suggest tweaking this part until it really stands out and makes the reader really curious about what comes next.
In your last paragraph, you've started off the first sentence with a change in verb tenses, from past to present, when you said, "School comes". Watch out for those little enemies; they'll try to sneak in and upset things. Consistent tense is important.
Overall, I think you have some really great potential going here. You've set up the narrator's challenge, and given us a slight glimpse into their life. The issue at hand is also very important, so I definitely commend you for starting out to tackle it. I encourage you to keep going! What you have to write is important. Keep up the good work.
Thank you for the kind review!
"Excerpt From a Novel I'll Never Write" is the name of a poetry book I want to release full of little excerpts like these of flashes into different lives and situations, so it's a stand alone!
I definitely agree with everything you said, this is probably one of my weaker pieces of writing so I appreciate the feedback
Have a great day!