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Shadow's Rising {Wing 1} Chapter 5

by dragonight9


Chapter 5

All the participants gathered in the center of the arena and waited for some sort of explanation of the trial ahead.

“Alright parents and participants. Listen up!” A harsh and authoritative voice resounded to Jarid’s left. “My name is Lt. Gavin, and I will be explaining how this is going to go.”

Jarid had been expecting the announcer to explain the rules, but he turned and tried to look over the crowd of participants to see what the Lt looked like. He was a tall and muscular man in some sort of rich plant-green uniform with the dragon rider academy crest on it. Jarid only knew what crest it was because of the symbol in the center. A human standing on the back of a submissive dragon, holding a shield in one hand and a fiery sword in the other.

“As the announcer stated, this will be a simple test of your magic skill. A more thorough test will be conducted at the academy, but this will give us a general idea of your current level. As you can see…” Lt. Gavin stated, gesturing to the rows of wood dummies wearing potato sacks behind him. “We have set up a variety of dummies as targets for you to use your attack magic on. If you would rather show us creation magic or defensive magic, then head over there.”

He pointed to two groups of official looking nobles. Only a few participants went to join those groups though. Jarid also chose to stay so he could show off his attack magic.

Sure. I can make walls to defend or create dummies out of wood and stone, but attack magic is so much cooler. I mean, what guy wouldn’t love the power to cut a tree in half with a single blow?

Aww man! This is so exciting! I finally get to show off my magic to other people!

But I guess I should also be careful to use the same amount of magic power as everyone else. I already stand out because I’m a commoner. If I show off too much it will only make them want to ostracize me even more.

Jarid sighed tiredly at the thought of how the nobles at the academy would treat him even without him hurting their pride.

Then Lt. Gavin called for their attention once again.

“Good. Now that everyone here has chosen to show us their attack magic, I’ll demonstrate.”

Everyone eagerly crowded around to watch. Lt. Gavin turned to the nearest target and took out a string and some seeds from his pocket. Then, taking a deep breath, he scattered the seeds in front of him. Immediately two vines grew out of the ground.

The first was curved like a C and looked thicker in the middle while both ends tapered off. The second was a short stump with what looked like twenty or more sticks, about the width of a finger and a few feet long, growing out of it. Each stick had strange looking leaves half sprouting out of the end making it look almost like a bush.

Lt. Gavin quickly took the first vine and broke off the roots before attaching the string to both ends. Then he plucked one of the sticks from the second vine, placed it on the string, drew it back, and shot the arrow at the target.

‘Thock!’ The arrow slammed into the center of the target.

Jarid was stunned. The entire process had taken less than ten seconds!

Now the Lt. was firing off arrows rapidly, though seemingly without much accuracy. Some arrows hit the base of the target, the center, arms, or head.

Then Lt. Gavin stepped back and snapped his fingers. “Strangler vines, activate!”

Suddenly all his arrows sprouted vines that quickly encompassed the entire target. The wood groaned and creaked under the pressure from the vines until it caved with a bone shattering ‘crack’!

“Woah!”

The crowd gasped and clapped for the performance.

“That was my level two spell, Strangler vines. Great for setting traps or capturing foes alive. Now, get in lines behind each target. When you are called to step forward, state your name and what element you will be using. You will get one attack on the target. Feel free to use the highest level of attack you can. We’ll replace the target after every attack.”

Jarid found himself in the middle of the line for the leftmost target. Steven joined the line right behind him.

“So, Jarid. Any idea what you’re going to do?”

Jarid was preoccupied trying to watch the participants at the front of the line to see what magic they would use, so he simply shrugged his shoulders.

“Not sure yet. I need to see how everyone else does it.”

“Don’t worry too much about it. This is the hardest part of the trial. They organize the whole trial like a battle. After traveling through difficult terrain, you must strategize and solve problems before fighting with all your strength and skill. Then, after you’re fatigued mentally and physically, you will often be forced to employ magic to finish the fight or escape.

“Using magic effectively at this point would be difficult for any noble. Even more so for a… for you. I’m sure they won’t judge you because of who your parents are. Nobody gets to choose that… no matter how much I wish you could.”

Steven’s final muttered words went unheard as Jarid’s attention was captured by one of the participants stepping forward to attack their target.

“Great wind that flows free through the sky, answer my call! Sharpen and become a blade to cut my target. Now go, wind blade!” He cried, stretching out his hands in front of him.

The boy’s arms were shaking as Jarid noticed a small distortion in the air launch towards the target at mediocre speed. Then a cut, about the size a large kitchen knife would make, appeared in the wood. The boy dropped his arms to his knees and wheezed as he tried to catch his breath.

Beside each target, there was an official with a clipboard who took notes while each participant demonstrated their magic. As soon as they were finished with one participant, they would wave their hand for the next person in line to step up, check their clip board, and confirm the participant’s name before watching them demonstrate their magic.

The second participant used water magic.

“Oh water which reaches the ends of the earth, form now before me and drown my enemy with your endless torrent! Hydro hose!”

A stream of water burst from his hand and splashed the target, almost soaking it completely. With one last grunt of effort, the stream increased slightly before cutting out altogether. Letting out a groan of disappointment he walked off to the side.

Jarid was also quite disappointed. At this rate, he would barely get to show off any magic at all.

The third participant was the muscular opponent Steven had fought earlier. He closed his eyes and flexed his muscles as he started his chant.

“Oh cold of the deadly and frigid heights, manifest for me two blades of ice. Ice daggers!”

He opened his eyes as two icicle-like daggers appeared in his hands. He threw them at the target where they stuck into the wood. The cold made the area around where they stabbed turn slightly white. Then the daggers disintegrated.

The official nodded as he noted some things down. The muscular participant smirking with his head held high as he strutted off.

“The participants this year certainly are promising.” The official muttered sarcastically.

Then Jarid noticed that the next participant was Dominic. His cocky smile was back, and he smirked at the slight nod of respect the official gave him once his name was mentioned.

“Razor edge of wind cut like sickle through wheat, let my enemies weep in their defeat! Wind Scythe!”

Suddenly a long pole with a large, curved blade appeared in Dominic’s hands. It looked clear but with a slightly green tint that made it easier to see. Dominic leapt towards the target. The scythe arched back and descended upon the target in a smooth and swift cleaving motion. Nearly splitting the dummy in two with a single strike.

Jarid even felt a slight breeze from the attack despite being half a stone’s throw away.

Those around him clapped respectfully and the official nodded. “As expected from such an esteemed house. That was a wonderful demonstration.”

Dominic smirked. “Of course. My father is the lord of Delbont after all.”

Then Jarid realised that it was almost his turn. The boy in front of him was a bit short, but very stocky and muscular. He wore a black shirt with his family crest emblazoned on it in dull red.

The official motioned for him to begin, and the boy raised one hand in front of him.

“Hungry blaze, consume my target. Devouring flame,” He whispered as he snapped his fingers.

A small flame barely bigger than a match lit up as though he had just sparked a lighter. Then he blew on it and the small flame slowly floated towards the target.

The examiner sighed as he started taking notes, but Jarid noticed something strange. Though the flame was slow, it never weakened nor wavered as it approached the target, and when the boy created it, Jarid had felt the heat even as it flew away. Then the small flame bumped lightly into the target.

Suddenly the flame blazed up and spread over the target in less than a second, consuming it until only a small pile of smoldering ash remained. The heat from the flame had made the official watching the attack raise their hand to block it, and the smell of burnt wood and leather hung strongly in the air.

The nearby officials and participants all stared in shock at where the target once stood. The boy glared coldly at Dominic, who had an incredulous look on his face while his mouth hung open in shock.

“Never underestimate the minor houses. Don’t assume you’re better than us just because you own a bit more land,” he growled.

Then he walked away and sat down to watch the rest of the proceedings.

“Man, I wouldn’t want to follow that up. Heh, heh,” Steven laughed nervously. Jarid shot him a look over his shoulder but stepped up to the newly replaced target.

The target looked like a wooden dummy with a stump for a head, branches for arms, and a trunk covered with a sack.

“Name?” The official asked.

“Jarid Drakoulis.”

The official narrowed his eyes. Even though his expression didn’t change, Jarid could feel the contempt emanating from him.

“Don’t worry if you can’t complete this trial. Just don’t try any tricks. Faking the ability to use magic will be punished far worse than just failing the trial.”

Jarid tried to keep his fists from clenching at the comment. It was a little frustrating that most of the officials had simply assumed he would cheat to complete the trial.

“Go ahead whenever you’re ready. But if you can’t hit the target with your own magic, I’ll need you to leave the line.”

Jarid took a deep breath and looked at the target. If he wanted to pass the exam he’d have to do at least as much damage as Dominic, but he probably didn’t want to blast the whole thing away like the previous participant had.

Jarid took his fighting stance as if he was going to punch the target. He tuned out everything else and took a deep breath in. He felt the magic circulating within him and gathered just enough of it in his fist as he needed. Then, as he exhaled, Jarid lunged forward throwing a punch while controlling the final output of magic as much as he could. A fireball launched from his hand and knocked the head of the target clean off, leaving its neck scorched.

“Whew.” Jarid sighed in relief. He’d done it! Hopefully now he wouldn’t stand out.

“Bastard child.” The official spat quietly as he waved him off.

Jarid knew that the nobility disliked commoners, but was a commoner having magic that much of an insult to them? He’d expected surprise and questioning about how he was able to use magic, not disgust and dismissal.

“Oh, come on. He’s not so special that you must insult him. You guys were the ones that asked for our best after all,” Steven commented as they replaced the target.

“And you are?”

“Steven Farrow.”

“Go ahead.” The official sighed with a slight hint of annoyance.

Steven smirked and whipped his arm out to the side like a pitcher throwing a curve ball. Suddenly the target’s head flew off its shoulders and landed on the ground behind it. The smaller connector serving as the target’s neck had been cut clean in two.

Steven huffed at the official’s wide eyes as if to prove his point then walked over to Jarid. They both sat down in the shade near one of the arena walls. Steven put his arm on Jarid’s shoulder.

“Hey Jarid. Don’t let what he said get to you. You were an orphan, right? Or maybe adopted?”

“How did you know?” Jarid asked suspiciously. He felt quite uncomfortable with a noble knowing something not even the other villagers knew about him. If he knew that much, then maybe Shadow…

“Don’t worry Jarid. It’s just that very few commoners have the ability to use magic. And even then, only weakly. The only other possibility is for a noble to have had an affair with a commoner woman. That often results in the child being abandoned or sold. Many nobles are disgusted by the idea of mixed bloods. To me, I don’t really get it. I mean, it must have happened at some point. The king who received magic from the ancient white dragon must have had kids with somebody who didn’t have magic, otherwise magic using humans would have died out with him.”

However, Jarid wasn’t listening at this point. He was far too busy questioning his entire life.

A child of a noble? Me?! Suddenly it makes so much sense. The old man must have been a servant of whatever noble didn’t want me anymore. But then, who were they? Do I really have the same blood running through my veins as the nobles who beat commoners every day? All that talk about me being the first commoner to enter dragon rider academy. Lies? No. I was raised a commoner my whole life. But then what does that make me?

“Hello? Jarid? Can you hear me in that thick head of yours?”

Jarid was pulled from his thoughts by Steven’s knuckles tapping on his head.

“Hey. Don’t get all wrapped up with who your parents may or may not be. You are not your parents. They may influence the tools you were born with, but they don’t get to decide who you choose to be now. I’m sure you have a better reason for entering the academy than just being the first commoner to attend.”

Jarid looked up at Steven in wonder and amazement. Somehow, he always seemed to know what he was thinking and had just the right words to pick him up again.

“Come on. Don’t look at me like that. I’m just saying what one of my older brothers told me once. And I know for a FACT, he read it in a book somewhere.”

Jarid smiled and chuckled to himself. It felt nice to have a friend like this. Perhaps he wouldn’t be alone at the academy. He’d almost forgotten his previous doubts thanks to Steven’s self-deprecating humor.

“Thanks Steven. I’m lucky to have met you. It would be an honor to have you as my friend at the academy.”

Steven laughed. “You might be the first person to say that. Couldn’t imagine why though, ha, ha. The honor is all mine Jarid.”

The two boys bumped their fists with wide grins.

Steven laid back against the wall with a sigh. “Once again, you never fail to intrigue me. I mean, using chantless magic on the test? Bold is an understatement. Heh, heh.”

Jarid sat up and looked over at his friend. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, right. I guess I assumed you’d been trained in magic by somebody… You are not trained in magic, right?”

“No.”

“Well, we nobles train using chants to help us visualize our spells. Then we slowly shorten our chants and make them more complex. Completely chantless casting is rare since the magic is usually far weaker due to much of the caster’s mental power being focused on visualizing the spell.”

“But you did it too.”

Steven closed his eyes with a sly smile. “Normally I wouldn’t show off like that, but you’re already strange for having magic at all. You don’t need the added estrangement of being the only user of chantless magic too, do you? As for how I know it… Well, let’s just say my family trains using chantless magic from birth. It’s far better for our work since it’s silent and more versatile than having to create a new chant for every situation we come across.”

Now a bit curious Jarid shuffled closer. “What kind of work does your family do?”

His sly smile never wavering, Steven brought a single finger up to his lips.

“Secret. Heh, heh. Perhaps I’ll reveal a few of my secrets once I learn all of yours.”

Jarid was about to jokingly protest when the announcer called out to everyone again. It looked like the rest of the magic tests were completed and he was calling for everyone to line up in the center of the arena so he could address them.

Once all the participants had gathered in the center of the arena the announcer called for silence.

“This evaluation is now over! If you are accepted, the academy will send you a letter containing all the details of what you will need. Included in the letter will be a ticket outlining where and when you will be boarding carriages bound for Dragon Rider Academy. Be aware that anyone who loses their ticket or arrives late to the carriages will be left behind. You are free to go.”

The parents all piled into the arena and started pulling their children towards the entrance. Jarid and Steven barely got to say their goodbyes before he was carted away by his solemn-looking parents.

Jarid let out a sigh of relief as he turned for home. He was glad to be done with the trial even if he did enjoy parts of it. But as he looked up at the gate to leave, he saw Dominic staring daggers at him through the crowd. Hatred evident on his face.

If they both got into the academy, he’d have to watch his back. Not only had he made a friend today, but also a potentially dangerous enemy.


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Wed Mar 20, 2024 6:49 pm
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Lucian wrote a review...



short review this time.

Initial reaction to the magic test, an impressive feat of skill shown by the Lt. Gavin. I believe that Jared could have put more power into the test, but it is understandable that he didn't want to stick out.

Along with the fact that he is adopted, the background is thickening with Jared and his possibility of being born from a very high noble, and being able to use that much power wordlessly.

Steven seems to be a good guy and at face value does not seem to have any malcontent towards Jared. I'm worried about Dominic though, he seemed to already want to kill Jared. the fact that Jared is from a higher noble family could cause a lot of problems for Jared and his family.

these chapters keep getting better and better. I have no errors or recommendations. I love the inclusion of silent magic like only the best can use it or the ones that are trained specifically for it.

Overall this chapter is incredible, so Good luck and may writer's block flee from your gaze.




dragonight9 says...


Wow! You are flying through! I better get my last few chapters poste quick ha ha.

Love the way you mix up your sign off by the way. Very cool.



Lucian says...


Thank you for the compliment, take your time on your work. The best writing comes from patience (and 3 am writing sprees).



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Thu Feb 15, 2024 10:19 pm
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PKMichelle wrote a review...



Hello friend!
Here to check out another outstanding chapter!


Per my interpretation, this was a phenomenal addition to the novel! It picked up right where you left off and furthered a lot of the story's conflict!

Jarid is preparing to do the magic test, standing in line, watching all of the other participants, and questioning what he might do. He gets advice from Steven, and just before it's Jarid's turn, the kid in front of him sets the entire dummy ablaze, making Jarid question even more what he should do. After his turn, followed by Steven's turn, the boys sit down and talk. It is at this point that they realize they have a friendship that they look forward to pursuing. And just when Jarid goes to leave, he spots Dominic staring at him with complete hatred. Jarid doesn't want an enemy, but it seems he has one.

This was a wonderful plot!


If I could offer any sort of advice, it would be one small thing related to the way you wrote one of your quotes. When Steven is explaining to Jarid that the trials are set up in a specific way to mimic an actual battle, you said,

“Don’t worry too much about it. This is the hardest part of the trial. They organize the whole trial like a battle. After traveling through difficult terrain, you must strategize and solve problems before fighting with all your strength and skill. Then, after you’re fatigued mentally and physically, you will often be forced to employ magic to finish the fight or escape.

Using magic effectively at this point would be difficult for any noble. Even more so for a… for you. I’m sure they won’t judge you because of who your parents are. Nobody gets to choose that… no matter how much I wish you could.”


All of this is being spoken by Steven, so you're right in not adding a closing quotation mark at the end of the first paragraph! What you missed, however, is the opening quotation mark at the beginning of the second.

Because I'm bad at explaining, and what I said might make absolutely no sense, here's a link with an example and a better explanation!

But, obviously, this is just a suggestion, and it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it—only trying to provide a somewhat useful critique.


If I had to pick my favorite part, it would definitely be related to the friendship between Jarid and Steven! It's evolved a lot since they first met, and it's become a lot of fun to read!

The first thing that really stood out to me in regards to Jarid and Steven's relationship came after Jarid and Steven watched the kid before them basically disintegrate the whole dummy. You said,

“Man, I wouldn’t want to follow that up. Heh, heh,” Steven laughed nervously. Jarid shot him a look over his shoulder but stepped up to the newly replaced target.


This is the first part of this chapter where the friendship vibes are on full blast. Steven's making a comment that could only irk Jarid; never help him. Which is exactly what an actual friend would do, so kudos to you for writing that so well!

The other thing that caught my eye that relates to Jarid and Steven's friendship was when Steven stood up for Jarid after the official made a snide remark. He said,

“Oh, come on. He’s not so special that you must insult him. You guys were the ones that asked for our best after all,” Steven commented as they replaced the target.


Steven barely knows Jarid; they basically just met, but nonetheless, Steven is jeopardizing his own opportunities to stand up for Jarid. This showed Steven's character very well and how much he cares about having someone he can relate to—he literally stuck out his neck for Jarid, which is something you really only do for someone you care about. So, good job showing how much Steven values their friendship!


Overall, this was a really great chapter, and I had a lot of fun reading it! I look forward to the next one and all of your stellar writing!

Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope this review is of some use to you!


Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!




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Wed Feb 14, 2024 11:17 pm
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Youbeaucupid wrote a review...



Cupid's Sweetheart Spotlights:


Introduction:


SWOOSH! Greetings, lovely hearts! Cupid here, armed with my bow, arrow, and a sprinkle of stardust for an enchanting adventure. Today, I'm diving into the captivating world of reviews with my very own Cupid's Sweetheart Spotlight. It's like the incredible YWS S'more Method, but with a dash of cupid's magic! Let's get flying, shall we? :D

Fluttering Wings - Initial Impressions:

From the moment Lt. Gavin's voice echoed through the bustling arena, something truly magical caught my eye. It was like being whisked away on the wings of a phoenix, soaring high above the clouds with anticipation coursing through every fiber of my being. The promise of a trial of magic and mettle set against the backdrop of societal expectations and noble prejudices? Now that's a premise that instantly captured my heart! ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚

Arrow Adjustments - Love Crafting Suggestions:

As we journey through the vibrant tapestry of Chapter 5, let's take a moment to fine-tune the enchanting melody of words that dance across the page. While the narrative sparkles with promise, a gentle touch here and there could elevate it to celestial heights.

Firstly, let's delve into the passage where Lt. Gavin introduces the trial. The line,

"My name is Lt, Gavin, and I will be explaining how this is going to go,"


while clear in its intention, could benefit from a touch of finesse to truly captivate the reader's attention. Perhaps consider infusing Lt. Gavin's voice with a hint of authority and charisma, drawing readers deeper into the enchantment of the moment!

Next, let's explore Jarid's internal monologue as he contemplates his choice to showcase his attack magic. The line,

"Sure. I can make walls to defend or create dummies out of wood and stone, but attack magic is so much cooler,"


brims with Jarid's youthful enthusiasm, yet there's an opportunity here to delve deeper into his motivations. What drives Jarid to pursue attack magic despite the societal pressures he faces? Is there a flicker of defiance in his words, a determination to prove his worth on his own terms?

Furthermore, as Lt. Gavin demonstrates his level two spell, "Strangler vines," the imagery springs vividly to life, yet there's room to enhance the scene with sensory details that evoke the reader's imagination. Perhaps describe the scent of earth and vegetation that accompanies the sprouting vines, or the gentle rustle of leaves as they ensnare their target. By immersing readers in the sensory experience, we can transport them even deeper into the magic of the moment.

Lastly, let's not forget the power of constructive criticism in the journey of growth and learning! ( •̀ ω •́ )✧ While the narrative shines with promise, it's through embracing our mistakes and imperfections that we truly flourish as writers. So, let's celebrate the journey of growth and discovery, embracing each stumble and setback as a stepping stone on the path to greatness! :)

Golden Harp Strumming - Heavenly Highlights:

Ah, let's bask in the radiant glow of Chapter 5's Golden Harp Strumming, where the narrative sings with the sweet melodies of friendship, and resilience! From the bustling arena to the quiet moments of introspection, every scene is painted with strokes of vivid imagery that transport us to a world brimming with magic and wonder.

One particular moment that captivated my heart was Lt. Gavin's mesmerizing demonstration of magic. As he scattered seeds and breathed life into the earth, vines sprouted forth like emerald tendrils reaching for the sky. The imagery here is so vivid, it's like watching nature itself awaken from slumber, dancing in the sunlight with a grace that is both enchanting and ethereal. 🌱🌱

And oh, how can we forget Dominic's dazzling display of prowess? With a flick of his wrist, he summoned forth a Wind Scythe, its gleaming blade shimmering with a mesmerizing clarity. The descriptive language used to depict the magic - "a long pole with a large, curved blade," clear yet evocative - paints a vivid picture of Dominic's strength and skill, leaving us in awe of his noble heritage!! >:3

But amidst the grandeur of magical displays, it's the tender moments of camaraderie that truly steal the show. The banter between Jarid and Steven, filled with laughter and shared understanding, is like a warm embrace on a chilly night, comforting and uplifting. Their friendship is a beacon of light amidst the shadows of prejudice, reminding us that true magic lies not in spells, but in the bonds we forge with those who walk beside us.

Final Whispers - Closing Thoughts:

As we bid farewell to Chapter 5 and its enchanting journey, let's linger a moment longer in the embrace of its magic. Within the bustling arena, amidst the echoes of trials and triumphs, we find ourselves drawn deeper into the labyrinth of emotions and discoveries that define Jarid's path, we're filled with a sense of anticipation and excitement. What new challenges will they face? What secrets lie hidden in the shadows, waiting to be unearthed? It's like turning the page of a beloved book, eager to uncover the mysteries that lie within its pages.

Here's to the next chapter, dear friend, filled with new adventures, heartfelt moments, and the enduring power of friendship. I can't wait to continue this journey with you, every step of the way! <33


Sending you all my love and heart-shaped arrows, Cupid! - 💘




dragonight9 says...


Wow! What an amazing and unique reviewing style.

I'll definitely look into using a few more descriptors. Describing a scene with a variety of senses really helps paint a full picture. Perhaps the heat of some flames or the smell of smoke and ash will add the touch I need to those magic attacks.



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RavenAkuma wrote a review...



Hello Again, My Friend!

It's me, Raven, and I'd like to review using my new Familiar method today! It's inspired by the YWS'mores method, but with the touch of a fantasy-horror writer. Let's dive in, shall we? Heh heh heh…

What The Black Eyes See...

I'm so glad to read another chapter from this wonderful series! There sure was a lot, but I love these longer chapters; there was plenty of action, plenty of tense character moments, and even a bit of exposition from this intriguing new friend of Jarid's. All of it kept me eager to see what was next, including that foreboding ending! Let's get into the details though.

Where The Dagger Points...

As far as content, no complaints! Like I said, this chapter hit every nail on the head, and balanced all of them very well. There was one extremely minor error that I noticed, toward the beginning:

My name is Lt, Gavin,


I think you meant to have a period after Lt instead of a comma, but like I said, that's really minor.

The second thing I wanted to note was a personal recommendation to do with a bit of dialogue, free to take or leave.

...As you can see, we have set up a variety of dummies for you to use as targets,” Lt. Gavin stated, gesturing to the rows of wood dummies wearing potato sacks.

“If you would rather show us creation magic or defensive magic then head over there.”


I may just be nitpicky, but I feel like the dialogue tag came a bit late, and the broken-off statement toward the end felt just a little bit awkward. Perhaps, to better blend the visual with the statement, you could remove the dialogue tag and add an ellipsis to emphasize the gesture and statement going hand in hand.

(Example: "As you can see..." Lt. Gavin gestured to the rows of wooden dummies wearing potato sacks. "We have set up a variety of dummies for you to use as targets. If you would rather show us creation magic or defensive magic then head over there.")

Of course, I am not a professional, so please always take my advice with a grain of salt. I mean nothing negative by it, and I thoroughly enjoyed the chapter regardless! ~

Why The Grin Widened...

Oh, where to begin! There was so, so much I enjoyed in this chapter, picking one favorite moment would be impossible.

For starters, the MAGIC! From fantasy writer to fantasy writer, your magic is so incredible; the spells you've crafted, the awesome names and chants you applied to some of them, and the way you narrated them in the moment! Devouring Flame was probably my favorite, and I really would love to know more about that character (he sounds aweomse!). The Strangler Vines were also neat, and so were the wind blades (and kudos to you, I've always thought wind is a hard element to work with!). Overall, great way to display the more common methods that humans use magic, despite the salty behavior from *some* people there...Not to mention this:

“Well, we nobles train using chants to help us visualize our spells. Then we slowly shorten our chants and make them more complex. Completely chantless casting is rare since the magic is usually far weaker due to much of the caster’s mental power being focused on visualizing the spell.”


I felt like this was a great reason for the chants, so there's a bit of dynamic; not *every* moment that uses magic will have a big incantation behind it, but there is a valid reason for one when it does pop up. I imagine that being handy for fight scenes, and maybe it's even a gauge of a character's magical prowess. Very cool!

Jarid's humility really came through once again, as he toned down his magic to blend in, and it felt like he had a great moment to relate and bond with Steven. I'm looking forward to more moments between these characters, especially with that mysterious secret about Steven's family. That was a clever way to bait your readers ~

And finally, the last thing I'd like to note...

If they both got into the academy, he’d have to watch his back. Not only had he made a friend today, but also a potentially dangerous enemy.


Brilliant way to summarize this trial; one new friend, one new enemy. Dominic really made that clear with his bitter gestures, but on an encouraging note, it looks like Jarid won't be on his own with Steven already standing up for him and the Devouring Flame kid calling out Dominic.

("Son of Delbont," that guy likes to say...I thought of another "D" word to call him by, but I'm not going to say it here XD)

Our Mad Thoughts...

Overall, this was a great chapter! You wove an incredible display of diverse magic abilities with character dynamics, gave us a great moment of self-reflection and friendly bonding from the protagonist, and left us wondering if Jarid gets accepted. Nicely done! :)

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dragonight9 says...


Love the new review style! Totally you. (and the 'Bye for now' card at the end looks sick!)

Thanks for all your comments. I'll definitely see about working on that dialogue tag you mentioned.
I really enjoyed crafting the magic system and it's still a work in progress so I'm glad to see you enjoyed it too.



RavenAkuma says...


Thanks!

And no problem ~




i love me some swole chickens
— yosh