Cover art for Shadow's Rising {Wing 1} Chapter 2

Shadow's Rising {Wing 1} Chapter 2

by dragonight9

Published January 10, 2024

12+

In Shadow's Rising Wing 1

Chapter 2

The next day Jarid was cleaning the arena for the upcoming event. He had to stay late to get it all done, but he didn’t mind. It was a great opportunity to train in a proper arena when nobody was around.

As he swept the arena to the beat of one of his favorite songs, he stayed in his fighting stance and fought off imaginary opponents who were attempting to prevent him from completing his work. This was his time to practice proper form while the music helped with his rhythm.

The music came from two small beads that fit snugly into his ears. They were attached by metal strings to a small metal box with a glass screen. The screen lit up and let him choose songs from bands from beyond this world or who had passed away long ago.

This magical device was apparently very common among the nobility. It was made in a mythical place called the Magic City which was destroyed in a calamity long before Jarid was born.

The music box was a gift from Simon after he completed his first usable plow. It was the only gift Jarid could remember ever receiving from his father and he cherished it more than gold.

When asked about the gift, Simon had dismissed it, saying that one of his noble clients didn’t want to pay for the repair of his horseshoes. So, the noble gave him one of his extra music boxes before sarcastically commenting that he should be grateful to receive something that belonged to nobility.

Jarid frowned at the thought as he paused his work. He felt the presence of someone behind him and narrowed his eyes. He should be the only one out here this late.

Causally he turned off his music and put the earbuds in his pocket. Then he quickly tossed the broom aside and spun around to face the stranger while sinking into his fighting stance.

“Oh. Sorry to have startled you,” a feminine voice replied.

Jarid’s eyes widened in surprise at the intruder. It was a girl about the same age as himself. She had a very athletic build and was about his height with short black hair tied up with a string behind her. She was wearing a training uniform that was similar to the ones the nobles used. Jarid thought he recognized her from somewhere too.

“I came out here to train for a while by myself and stopped to watch you training. Or was it cleaning? Anyway, I came over to ask if you were going to participate in the recruiting contest for Dragon Rider Academy tomorrow.”

Now he remembered her! Jarid had seen her standing behind one of the important looking people from Dragon Rider Academy. This meant she was definitely a noble, and an important one at that.

“Sorry for jumping like that. Please excuse my rudeness, miss,” Jarid apologized sheepishly as he bowed respectfully.

“To answer your question, my name is Jarid, and I am definitely going to be trying out next week.”

The girl laughed. But it wasn’t the demeaning and sarcastic laugh he had come to expect from nobility, but a genuine, if somewhat girlish, giggle.

“Sorry to inform you, but the trials actually start tomorrow. And don’t bother with the formalities. I’m Airel by the way.”

Airel stuck out her hand for him to shake. Jarid shook it, looking confused. Most noble girls would have curtsied or had him kiss their hand if they felt like humiliating him, but she was more respectful to him than even the other girls from the village. Even so, Jarid was more confused by what she had just told him.

“What do you mean they start tomorrow? Every other year they held it on the first day of autumn.” Jarid stopped himself, wondering anxiously if Airel might take his comment as questioning the decisions of nobility.

“I meant no disrespect. This is just a few days earlier than I expected so I’m a bit confused,” he explained awkwardly.

Airel nodded. “Yes. Autumn is the normal time, but the instructors have a tight schedule this year and can’t afford to wait. They told everyone at the meeting yesterday, but I guess you weren’t there?”

Jarid looked down, embarrassed. “I’m not a noble so I’m not included in those meetings.”

Airel looked surprised. “I suppose I could have guessed from your clothes, but you seem quite refined for a common boy. Did someone teach you noble etiquette?”

“My father has sold things to nobles before, and I admire the nobility so much I copied their manners as best I could.”

Jarid hated lying, but he couldn’t exactly tell her that he had learned noble etiquette from the memories of a dying dragon princess. He hoped that complimenting the nobility would help her gloss over his lame excuse. Thankfully, it seemed to work as Airel continued without missing a beat.

“That will be helpful since noble etiquette is expected at the academy. However, the academy itself is a meritocracy. Your family and rank mean little there. All that matters is your magic, intellect, and skill in battle.” Then she smirked at him. “And from what I could tell, you’re more than qualified in the fighting department.”

Jarid was about to ask what a girl would know about fighting, but he held his tongue. After she treated him as an equal, despite her superior noble status, he had no right to discriminate because she was a girl. Then Airel took on a thoughtful expression.

“Hmmm. How about this? I’ll register you for this year’s competition. That way you won’t need to worry about getting a noble’s permission. All you’ll have to do is show up at the arena on time. What’s your full name?”

“Oh, um, Jarid,” Jarid replied, a little dumfounded. He had no idea that you needed a noble’s permission to even attend the competition. That probably explained why no commoner had ever even attempted the competition before.

This girl, Airel, was unlike any noble Jarid had ever met. She was helping him without demanding compensation or groveling from him. She didn’t even give the work of registering him a second thought. If what she was saying was true, then this might end up being his only chance. He couldn’t imagine any other noble granting him permission to attend.

“Yes... but Jarid... who?” Airel asked with a hint of annoyance.

“Oh, uh. Jarid Drakoulis,” Jarid stammered as he came back to himself. He had been so stunned that he completely missed her asking for his full name.

“That’s an interesting name,” Airel commented as she wrote it down on a small notepad.

Jarid smiled proudly and thanked her for the compliment. Most families had names passed down for generations and Simon had once told him that an ancient member of their family had slayed a wild dragon. He was granted the honor of changing his name to Drakoulis for this feat, and it had been that way ever since. Though he was sorry about the dragon it still amazed him that his father’s ancestor accomplished such a feat.

“Sorry, Airel, but you don’t seem like any noble I’ve ever met. I thought nobles wouldn’t get near a dirty peasant like me. Yet you…”

“Ah. Don’t worry about it. There are many nobles who treat their peasants as no less human than themselves. I’m a bit of an oddity among noble girls though. Unlike them, I actually enjoy getting my hands dirty. Besides, I don’t think any ordinary peasant could use martial arts like that either, so we're even.”

Jarid raised his hand to protest but stopped realising she was right.

“Well, I think I’ll hold off on my training for tonight. I’ll see you at the competition. Remember It starts at three thirty so don’t be late or I’ll find you and kick your butt myself.”

She walked out of the arena waving goodbye.

Jarid waved back, but he was still lost in thought.

Not only did she treat me as an equal, but she also said she’d kick my butt if he missed the trial. I wonder if she trained herself too. She seems like the type to do that. Even if her family gave her a tutor, I could tell she didn’t get those muscles from just watching others fight. She must train almost as much as me.

Man, was I lucky. If she hadn’t shown up, I would have missed the trial altogether, not to mention signing up for it. I doubt I’ll ever meet a noble like that again. I’m not about to let the chance slip by!

Jarid quickly finished his work and headed home. Unfortunately, it was too late to see Shadow that night, so he promised himself he would make sure to visit in the morning.

Simon was just waking up when Jarid raced out the door the next day.

“Breakfast is on the table, father. I’ll see you in a little while.”

Simon grunted his acknowledgement on his way to the kitchen.

The morning air was crisp, and the sun was just about to rise. Shadow had never been a morning dragon but that didn’t matter right now. He had no idea what happened if he got accepted into the academy. What if they took him right on the spot and he didn’t have a chance to say goodbye?

He found Shadow sleeping in the soft grass at the back of the valley and threw a rock against his side to wake him up. He’d once tried jumping on his friend’s back to wake him and the resulting bruises from being flung across the clearing made him realize it wasn’t the best idea.

“Come on sleepy head! I only have a little while before I head into town.”

“Urrrgh.” Shadow groaned as he rolled over, placing his talons over his ears. “Just a few more minutes Jarid.”

“Get up lard tail. This might be the last time I get to see you so hurry up.”

That sure got his attention. Shadow scrambled to get up and stumbled as he whirled around, still half asleep.

“What do you mean it might be the last time I see you?” He asked anxiously. “I thought you said the assessment wasn’t going to be for another week!”

Jarid nodded. “Yeah, but then I met one of the people who came with the scouts from the academy. She said they were doing it early this year.”

He could tell Shadow was upset even as he rubbed his eyes to clear them. They now had even less time left with each other. Jarid walked up and put his arm around the dragon’s neck.

“Don’t worry. I don’t know if they’ll take me today. We might still have some time before I go.” Shadow took a deep breath and shook himself.

“Yeah. Well, either way, you’d better win or I’ll tease you about it for the rest of your life. When you get back, we’ll go on a long flight together. I doesn’t matter whether it’s tomorrow or years from now. How long we are separated will never change the fact that we will always be brothers. No matter what.”

Jarid smiled and hugged him tightly. “No matter what.”

Jarid returned home to find Simon packing everything for the trip to town. He helped Simon finish then hopped in the cart.

When they arrived at the forge Simon went inside to get the fire going while Jarid unloaded the tools. After readying everything Jarid nervously approached his father.

“Father? I would like to finish early this afternoon. Could I-”

“Hmmm? Are you slacking off boy?” Simon asked gruffly as Jarid trembled before him.

“Do you think I’ll just let you run off to do who knows what while I manage the forge all by myself?! Hmmm?!”

“No father.”

“Well?! What is so important that you would disrespect your own father by even asking a question like that?”

Jarid’s hands were covered in a cold sweat as he tried not to flinch with each word. He still hated lying. Even to his father. So instead, he decided to tell him part of the truth.

“I… I met a girl at the arena the other night.”

Simon arched his eyebrows.

“And here I thought you’d never man up,” he muttered.

“Well? Who is her father? I hope you two aren’t meeting up to go frolicking in the woods.”

Jarid quickly held up his hands to halt the notion.

“No, no. I’d never do anything like that! We were just…”

Jarid quickly glanced around and noticed the half-finished knife on a nearby table.

“I was just going to show her how to make a knife! Her father is a butcher, and they were passing through. She was curious, so I thought I’d show her a bit. But she said they were leaving in the evening, so I was hoping to show her before she left.”

Jarid could feel his stomach doing flip flops under his father’s harsh gaze. Simon narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Then he let out a small sigh.

“You had better get all those utensils polished and horseshoes cleaned before you go. And you’re not stepping one foot out of this forge until I’m satisfied!”

Jarid tried to keep himself from collapsing with relief as he nodded. “Yes sir!”

Jarid worked hard and was able to finish with time to spare. After leaving the forge, Jarid put on his best boots and training clothes, which he had hidden in the cart that morning, before making his way to the arena.

As the coliseum-like structure came into view, Jarid saw a line of rich looking carriages outside and a small crowd near the entrance.

This was it. The Dragon Rider Academy entrance trial was just ahead of him. If he passed, then his dream of becoming a dragon rider had a chance of becoming real! Then he and Shadow wouldn’t have to be afraid of others hunting them down as monsters. They’d be heroes!

Comments & reviews · 6
User avatar
ArchieArts
Review
ArchieArts wrote a review Review · Nov 11, 2025

I really like this chapter! The meeting with Airel gives some individually to her, with her acting with Jaird as an equal, and the idea of her basically preventing him from being late is really interesting! You also get a bit of how Simon acts while he isn't drunk, and Jaird's reactions to his adovtive dad's words.

Wow! Thanks for all the comments! I thought I'd reply to your first three comments here.

I am so glad you are enjoying my book, and the details you pointed out made me so glad a reader was noticing them. I really appreciate you spending the time to comment on these chapters, and of course, I hope you continue to enjoy reading ;)

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Kaia
Review
Kaia wrote a review Review · Sep 15, 2024

Hello! I know, I know, I'm going back to those old chapters but I feel like in order to properly review for you I need to go back in time. I never did review this chapters and sure you have a lot of reviews already but I thought you might appreciate a few more reviews. So here I am <3

It's been a lil minute since I've read about Jarid but his personality shines right through those first paragraphs. I love your detail about him imagining he's fighting and using his opportunity with the music to practice. His imagination and liveliness give him youth and energy that I love! Also how cool is it that he can listen to music from other worlds???

called the magic city
This may not be applicable but just something I want to point out; you may consider capitalizing that if that place as no other name.

Jarid could remember ever receiving from his father and he cherished it more than gold
I love the nostalgia fit into this part. :D

work. Then he felt the presence of someone behind him. Jarid narrowed his eyes. He should be the only one out here this late.
i felt like the sentence starting with "then" was a little abrupt and rocky. I suggest eliminating the word "then" to make the sentence sound a little stronger.

Tossing the broom aside Jarid spun around to face the stranger while sinking into his fighting stance.
Use a comma after "aside." Also, I recommend rephrasing the last part starting with "while." I feel like it's a bit of a weak word to be using for such an impactful, action filled moment, as you have the reader curious who it is who bothered him.

Or was it cleaning?
ohhh I love that part!! She wasn't even QUITE sure what he was doing but he loved to watch it anyway!

Now he remembered her!

Use a comma after "now."

rudeness miss
I suggest adding a comma after "rudeness" as "miss" is a direct address for which you my also consider capitalizing "miss."

but a genuine, if somewhat girlish, giggle.
She likes him just a little and that's coming through with her nervous, bubbly laugh. I like this character. Her awkwardness is relatable.

Jarid shook it looking confused.
add a comma after "it."

And a little break before more critiques. You did A FABULOUS job making this conversation awkward but respectful. Clearly the two aren't that socially comfortable and probably that got heightened after learning of each other's classes. (Also boy and girl conversations tend to wind up awkward so great job there!)

suppose I could have guessed from your clothes, but you seem quite refined for a common boy. Did someone teach you noble etiquette?”
now this is probably not meant to be an insult and the girl probably didnt really think before speaking but it really came across as an insult, and one I don't think would fly over Jarids head. An internal grimace or desire to shoot something back may be a bit more natural for that part.

Jarid who?” Airel asked impatiently, arms crossed.
I felt like her mood was a little uncalled for unless she already repeated this question and Jarid missed it. I felt like her mood shift was sudden and jolted my opinion of her a little too much.

Sorry Airel, but
comma after "sorry"

Man was I lucky. If she hadn’t shown up, I would have missed the trail altogeth
comma after man, and "trial" is spelled "trail."


Unfortunately, it was too late to see Shadow that night, so he promised himself
wanted to point out that the grammer here is spot on! I know you said you were struggling with commas but that was perfect!!

table father
this is a direct address so use a comma after table. There are a few other places I saw that such as when Jarid addressed Shadow as "lard-head" and Jarid addressed his father. Just any time after someone is directly referred to in conversation, use a comma before their name.

up.” He muttered.
use a comma to end that piece of dialogue and lowercase "he"

the coliseum-like structure came into view Jarid saw a line of rich looking carriages outside and a small crowd near the entrance.

This was it. The Dragon Rider Academy entrance trial was just ahead of him. If he passed, then his dream of becoming a dragon rider had a chance of becoming real! Then he and Shadow wouldn’t have to be afraid of others hunting them down as monsters. They’d be heroes!
[/quote] comma between "view" and "Jarid" to separate ideas. And comma after "then"


Overall, great chapter! I did feel like the conversation between the father and Jarid went on a little too long, but that aside, pacing was good! Also, you made a clear distinction between the nobles and commoners! (My goodness that almost cost Jarid his dream!!)

Hope this review helps!
-Kaia

Don't worry if the works you review are old or new, (especially in the case of this book) because I love even just seeing your reaction to my story as you read it.

The grammar corrections also save me a lot of trouble searching for them myself and perhaps missing them. So thanks a lot ;)

User avatar
Lucian
Review
Lucian wrote a review Review · Mar 20, 2024

Okay, to start off good job on the flow of writing, amazing that there is a new character. Interesting choice to make a noble who was not mean or self-centered. It gives a lot more depth to the character, the fact that she is of higher society and able to get her hands dirty was interesting. But what was more interesting was the fact that she offered to help him get into the tournament, I'm guessing possible relationship but not entirely sure, guess I'll just have to keep reading.

As for edits and suggestions, not much, I didn't see many grammatical errors and the story was good with great flow. On the page of acknowledging his father, his character seems to be a bit stubborn with a hint of disapproval. However, he seems wise, at least a little with underlying layers yet to show. I'm very impressed with the depth you put into these characters.

Overall, it is a pretty good chapter, with the addition of a new character, and the emotional turmoil for Shadow on the possibility of his friend/brother leaving for a long time. I'm very interested in seeing where you take Airel in future chapters. Good luck and let the block of writers never find you!

Thanks so much for your comments.
I may not reply to every review right away but I'm so grateful to see your thoughts on each chapter.

Kaia replied · Sep 15, 2024

Awesome :D Glad to review for someone who enjoys my review!

Random avatar
Ravena
Review
Ravena wrote a review Review · Jan 19, 2024

Hello again, my friend!

Interesting, we are finally introduced to another human character. Airel seems like she could be a good companion for Jarid. Kind of like Aurora, she seems nice and humble, but it's more surprising since she is a noble. I'm excited to see what you do with her character.

Simon seems like a complex character, including his relationship with Jarid. Regardless, Jarid does clearly have a lot of respect for him, and Simon seems like a strict kind of guy, so I'm thinking he could regret lying like that...

Likewise, Jarid's last interaction with Shadow was well done. Kind of fast, but because Jarid was in a rush, it makes sense. I love the humorous notes you add to their interactions, it really plays up the sibling relationship. Such as Jarid calling him "lard tail," and also this, which almost made me laugh out loud imagining:

"He’d once tried jumping on his friend’s back to wake him and the resulting bruises from being flung across the clearing made him realize it wasn’t the best idea."

Yes, Jarid, probably not the best idea to jump on a sleeping dragon...haha.

I also like the great anticipation left at the end of this chapter. I remember from Wing 2 as well, you do a good job at building up tense or crucial moments like that.

One final note: I love the worldbuilding, in the sense that nobles get devices like earbuds and an iPod/walkman sort of thing, and how you describe them in a more "fantastical" manner. I don't care if it's the same concept, magic beads sound more interesting than earbuds, haha.

As far as recommendations, I couldn't spy any outright error, but I would recommend something with this sentence:

“Breakfast is on the table father. I’ll see you in a little while.”

I think you could use a comma between "table" and "father" there.

Anyway, overall, great chapter! :)

Thanks for the compliments :)

Also, not sure if YWS notified you, but I replied to your comment on my wall about Nightshade.

User avatar
Horisun
Review
Horisun wrote a review Review · Jan 12, 2024

Hi there! I hope you're having a good day or night thus far!

This first and second chapter remind me of the Heroes journey, (or the start of it, at least.) It's a tale as old as time, and you execute it very well. His ambitions are made very clear to the audience, he wants to go beyond his station and attend a prestigious academy. But we are also quickly introduced to the things and people who matter to him. His father, for one, and Shadow for another.

Off the bat, this is a very interesting dilemma for Jarid to face. By attending this school, he risks leaving behind everything he's known. I would have liked to see this explored in a little more depth. This is a big decision that Jarid is making, and I imagine that he might regret lying to his father if it does wind up that he has to leave without saying goodbye.

The second, more subtle element that I found running through both this chapter and the last was conflicts pertaining to the class system. Jarid harbors a lot of resentment towards the royals, and I suspect that part of the reason that the change in dates for the trial (which was announced in a nobles' only meeting) was in part to keep out the "riff-raff".

I noticed that whenever you reference the lower class in this story, it's as "peasant." This word, though maybe accurate to the idea you're trying to convey, struck me as odd with its negative connotation. This story is being told from Jarid's perspective, but "peasant" feels like something a noble would call him to belittle his class. (Connotations can be subjective, so this is up to your discretion!)

I did have one small nitpick with Airel. Though she's otherwise an intriguing character, who has an interesting dynamic with Jarid, this one line felt off to me;

There are many nobles who treat their peasants as no less human than themselves. I’m a bit of an oddity among noble girls though. Unlike them, I actually enjoy getting my hands dirty.


This depends on the reader, but I personally am not a fan of the "not like other girls" trope seen in female leads. This line in particular read to me as "Sometimes noble men treat their peasants with dignity. It's uncommon among girls though, but I am the exception."

And, if I were Jarid, I would probably read the line that follows as an insult, "Unlike them, I actually enjoy getting my hands dirty," almost feels like a dig at the lower class, implying that they're "dirty." (That might be me reading too much into it, though.)

This said, I actually like that, despite what they think, neither of these characters seem to fully respect one another yet. Airel is still a noble and has a flawed perspective on the lower class, even if she (mostly) treats them with respect. As for Jarid's comment here;

Jarid was about to ask what a girl would know about fighting, but he held his tongue. After she treated him as an equal, despite her superior noble status, he had no right to discriminate because she was a girl.


I hope he arrives at the academy and gets destroyed in combat training by a bunch of super competent, compassionate girls. Might be a good bit of character development for him, haha.

One last nitpick, Jarid introduces himself twice during the scene with Airel;

“To answer your question, my name is Jarid, and I am definitely going to be trying out next week.”


and here;

“Oh, um, Jarid,” Jarid replied,


which felt a wee repetitive.

All in all, though, this was a fun read! I love dragons, they're by far one of the coolest magical creatures out there. The characters introduced here have layers, flaws, and goals. (I didn't mention Shadow yet, but his dynamic with Jarid is very sweet). Dialogue was great, and revealed a lot about these people, and dragons, without spelling things out for the reader.

I look forward to the next chapter! In the meanwhile, keep on writing, and have a great rest of your week! :D

Thanks for everything you pointed out. I'll definitely mention edit the double name drop.
I also agree about the 'not like other girls' trope but I couldn't find a way of having a tomboyish girl character while also keeping the idea that noble girls are haughty, 'princes in a tower' types who only care about their looks.
If you have any ideas for ways to rectify this I'd be very interested.

I see your dilemma. Here are a few tweaks that I would suggest-

1. Rather than an exception to girls, make her an exception to nobles in general. I think what really rubbed me the wrong way is that the sentence before her line about noble girls, she says that "there are many nobles who treat commoners with respect." I explained this in my review, but this read to me as essentially noble men occasionally treat commoners with respect, but almost never noble women. This likely wasn't what you intended, so it's just an issue with phrasing.

2. In your world, there is likely a wide spectrum of noble girls. It makes sense that Jarid would have the assumption that all of them were vain, but Airel might have a different perspective to offer. This could be a good opportunity for character conflict/growth.

3. Have her "tomboyish" qualities exist in tandem with her noble birth. She can be both compassionate and haughty at once, and that can be part of her character arc.

If you want to restructure this scene while keeping Airel's 'tomboyish' nature intact, it would only take a small shift in dialogue. Instead of the line in question,

There are many nobles who treat their peasants as no less human than themselves. I%u2019m a bit of an oddity among noble girls though. Unlike them, I actually enjoy getting my hands dirty.


she could say something that boils down to-

I grew up believing that we were above commoners, but I now know we all deserve to be treated with equal respect.


It's not perfect, but it still disparages nobles, establishes that Airel is an exception of sorts, and doesn't put down her entire gender.

These idea's stem from a couple minutes of brainstorming, but it's up to you whether you want to implement them or try something else.

I went through a "not like other girls" phase in elementary and early middle school. I was taught to believe that to be feminine was to be superficial, and thus despaired makeup, dresses, or anything else declared to be "girly" by our society's standards.

I think the most important thing to remember is that most (decent) women don't talk about other female presenting people this way, and that there are other ways for you to convey that Airel isn't like the other nobles without putting down her whole gender.

This analysis has gone on a little long, and probably has come across as a little harsher than I intended; you have a strong foundation for an interesting character in Airel, and I genuinely look forward to seeing where you take it! I hope that my input has proved at least somewhat helpful, but if not, there are a lot of great online resources you could look into for additional assistance!

Thanks! This will help a lot with my own brainstorming

User avatar
PKMichelle
Review
PKMichelle wrote a review Review · Jan 10, 2024

Hello yet again, friend!
I saw your work in the Green Room and figured I’d check it out.


Per my interpretation, this was a great second chapter! It started in a great spot and continued in a wonderful direction for the whole of the chapter!

Jarid is tasked with staying late and cleaning up the arena. He appreciates this, though, because it gives him the opportunity to practice for the Dragon Rider Academy. However, while he's practicing, a noble girl, who's much less snobby than most, interrupts him and asks what he's doing. This leads to her telling Jarid that the recruiting contest was the next day and that he needed a noble's permission to join. Luckily for Jarid, she says that she'll sign him up, prompting him to say goodbye to Shadow and lie to his dad about where he's going.

This was an awesome plot for the chapter, and it set the next chapter up nicely to immediately get into some action!


If I could offer any sort of advice, it would be a small grammar thing that occurs when Airel is talking about how she's an oddity among other noble girls. She says,

Besides, I don’t think any ordinary peasant could use martial arts like that either, so were even.


This is a very simple mistake with a very simple fix. "Were" should be changed to "we're" because it shows possession and is not talking about the past. It would look more like this:

Besides, I don’t think any ordinary peasant could use martial arts like that either, so we're even.


But, obviously, this is just a suggestion, and it's always up to the writer, so please take this criticism lightly and know that I mean nothing negative by it—only trying to provide a somewhat useful critique.


If I had to pick my favorite part, there would be, as per usual, more than just one. So many great things are happening in everything you post!

The first thing that really caught my eye was when Airel said she'd help get Jarid into the recruiting competition. It showed her true character and how different she is from others in her position, especially when you said,

She was helping him without demanding compensation or groveling from him.


Along with showing how kind and somewhat unusual Airel is, it also does a fantastic job showing just how grimy and stuck-up the nobles are. And I find it really cool how this one sentence can show the personality of one noble while simultaneously putting other nobles on blast. It's kind of funny in a sense, and I really liked it, so kudos to you for that!

The next thing that I really liked about this chapter was the way you, once again, showed how much Jarid and Shadow care about each other. You painted this idea especially well when Jarid returns to the forest and wakes up Shadow. You said,

“Get up, lard tail. This might be the last time I get to see you, so hurry up.”

That sure got his attention. Shadow scrambled to get up and stumbled as he whirled around, still half asleep.


How quickly Shadow reacted to that sentence truly goes to show how strong their bond is. It also shows that they're so close that they even insult one another sometimes, which is an insanely cute relationship dynamic that I absolutely love. You've done an amazing job portraying their relationship, so good job with that!

The final thing about this chapter that really stood out to me was the way you showed how tense and rigid Jarid's and Simon's relationship is. One thing you did that showed this really well was constantly refer to Simon as Simon instead of something like "Jarid's father" or "Jarid's dad." It always looks something like this:

“Hmmm? Are you slacking off, boy?” Simon asked gruffly as Jarid trembled before him.


Another thing you do is constantly make Jarid refer to him very formally, like this:

Jarid tried to keep himself from collapsing with relief as he nodded. “Yes sir!”


The way you go about something as simple as the dialogue and speech tags truly shows just how disconnected Jarid and Simon are. It shows the lack of compassion and understanding in their relationship. It's like they're not even related sometimes—just a couple of people that work with one another. I love the way it's written to show the raw dynamics of these two!

You seem to have genuinely mastered the art of creating character relationships and the way they interact with one another! You do it in a very fluid and fun-to-read way, and I always find it incredibly nice! You do a fantastic job with this and everything related to your characters!


Overall, this was an outstanding chapter. It furthered the plot and introduced new variables to the possibility of Jarid's success. I enjoyed this immensely and look forward to the next chapter!

Thank you for taking the time to write and post this, and I hope this review is of some use to you!


Goodbye for now! I hope you have a magnificent day (or night) wherever you are!

Thanks so much for the review! I'll definitely get that grammar error fixed. And I'm really glad that the kind of relationship I wanted to show between Simon and Jarid is showing through.



Bring something incomprehensible into the world!
— Gilles Deleuze