16+ Language

The Many Gifts of Malia--Part 132: "The Hithian"

Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

We settled in for the night no more than a bowshot from the rat ambush. Hasda and his battered men picked at jerky before tucking in for the night. After laying her burden down and assuring herself that the jackal was comfortable, Gunarra lowered herself next to me with a sigh.

“What would you know, O Perceptive One?” Her teeth glistened in the moonlight as she flashed a wry smile.

Grunting, I reclined against a thick trunk. “Been puzzling over something you said earlier. You named yourself Hithian, and yet you called Marudak a usurper. Now, technically, you could argue the distinction, given that Paedea wasn’t his until he established himself as head of the pantheon. But it sounds to me like you’re splitting hairs.”

Her breath caught, and then she hissed a sigh. “It would be untrue to deny a shared lineage, yet to lump us together misses the situation as well. Hithia is…would have been my home, if the Bull of Heaven hadn’t crushed us. But he did.”

“How did he, if you had tuzshu?” I frowned. “Did Hithia have tuzshu? You seem to know quite a bit about them.”

She tilted her head, tails twitching. “I trained them, while I served my mistress. We didn’t know that Marudak had raised his own, and mortals die easier than gods. By the time we discovered his plot, he’d already executed his maneuver and our tuzshu.”

I frowned. “So you know how to make more?”

“If I may be permitted a question of my own?” Her eyes glowed a mellow orange in the moonlight. “Where did your tuzshu find his djinn?”

“A land far from here.” I held up a hand when she went to ask more. “There may be more djinn like his, and I’ll not hand the keys to that kingdom to someone I know precious little about.”

The way she ground her teeth made my hair stand on end. “I knew all of the djinns, even the ones who betrayed us. I would like to know if one of mine survived the killing field.”

“For as long as Marudak has ruled the Paedens, if you haven’t found that out on your own, I don’t know what to tell you.” I crossed my arms and stared her down. “Speaking of timelines, when was your mistress bound? You talk about her as if she’s close, and a breath away from breaking free.”

She looked away and fingered her collar. “I’ve seeded the crop to bring about her release throughout the people of Curnerein. With Balphar, I’d very nearly succeeded in returning her, but the Stitcher felling him has set that back and almost salted the field.” Almost absently she flipped the collar right side out, revealing a thick piece of amber wider than her thumb. “This gemstone is her symbol, and while Balphar lived it served as a source of hope and comfort. Under the Stitcher, it has been twisted into a sign of avarice and fear. My mistress lies imprisoned deep in a mountain to the north, beyond the Hall of Balphar. And the Stitcher has turned her resurrection into something to fear, since she could very well overthrow him, as he did Balphar.”

“Pretty speech.” I scratched my chin. “What’s your mistress like? Does she have a name?”

“She is my world.” She barked a laugh, still thumbing the gemstone. “And this mineral bears her name.”

Warning beacons lit across my mind. The pattern I saw wasn’t a perfect match, though. “How long have you been in Curnerein?”

“Long enough to watch the House of Balphar sprout from the scraps Marudak left behind. Long enough for my spirit to waste away while my mistress deteriorated in her prison. Long enough that it’s taken a different form of necromancy to raise the memory of Hithia in this region.” Her voice was hard as she punctuated each sentence.

I shook my head, as much for her diversion as for the creeping chill of the night. “Let’s try a different tack. Who guards your mistress’s prison now?”

She gave me a sharp look. “It lays unguarded, save for the fear the mortals hold for it and the decree of the Stitcher, barring its exploration.”

“And who used to guard it?” I smiled at her irritated frown. “I thought as much. But what confuses me is how they used you to seal her, where they’ve always anchored the prison to a full-blooded deity.”

“Powerful though my mistress be, she is but a simple goddess. They wouldn’t waste even a minor deity imprisoning her.” She snarled. “And it has been far too many centuries since she last saw the light of the sun.”

My eyebrows scrunched together. “But you’re not a demigod, exactly.”

“Sukalla and Apkalla are semi-divine. We sit adjacent to the demigods without threatening to become fully divine.” She waved her hand. “Non-mortal servants, if you wish to think of us that way.”

“But special.”

She nodded. “But special.”

“How many other Hithians are there?”

“Who knows?” Shrugging, she glanced away. “Our numbers were precious little before Marudak’s tuzshu cut us down. And since I escaped the pit, I’ve remained here, working to free my mistress. None have come looking for me, and I haven’t searched.”

I sighed and let my head fall back. Overhead, the moon battled to shine through drifting clouds and forest foliage, mostly losing. A sad state of affairs for those who enjoyed moonshine, but Ulti would be happy. They loved dancing across the fluffy ceiling.

“How did you know that I was compelled to be the warden?” Her soft eyes watched my face.

I grunted. “You’re not the first such case we’ve encountered. The last one is roaming these woods somewhere. You’ve probably seen her.”

“The long-winged harpy.” She tilted her head. “But the Sea Mother has yet to return.”

“We’ve been preventing her, as much as we can.” I shook my head. “You’ve been through a binding before. Could you recreate it?”

Frowning, she gripped her collar. “For an elder goddess, not a chance. For a full-blooded deity, perhaps, but I don’t want to try.”

“Well, if you’d be willing to explain the fundamentals some time, we might be able to put them to good use.” I shifted my weight, trying to get the bark to stop digging into my back so hard. “Why did the Paedens imprison Amber? I’m afraid we’re fairly ignorant of their history.”

“When a fire grows too large, you douse it.” Gunarra picked at the dirt with her feet. “The Sea Mother cultivated her children into shathrapavans, what you would call pantheons, and fostered strife amongst them. Those more capable raised their own offspring into formidable houses—although Balphar’s House held a different lineage—and Marudak was a strong champion for his branch. As such, the Sea Mother entrusted a division of djinn to his mother, who in turn divided the spirits among her daughters. Marudak, being the only son, expected to be included with his sisters, but his mother, Niyanu, passed over him in favor of her granddaughter, Amber.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Your mistress is Marudak’s daughter? We didn’t even know he had a mate.”

She nodded. “A casualty of Marudak’s rebellion. He used the marriage to form an alliance with a house his mother favored. While he presented it as submitting to his mother’s will, his real target was that pantheon’s tuzshu. Outwardly, he brought them into Amber’s fold, but the Kurrian tuzshu always held fealty to him. And he married off his other children to grow that flock.”

“But not Amber?”

Gunarra sighed, a smile on her face. “She was his crown jewel. You have to understand, Marudak was a god plagued by failure from his very birth. His ambition belonged on one of his sisters, or that he should have been born a daughter. The Kurrians, stronger by far than Niyanu’s Ayanians, only agreed to the marriage because Zaparrni was too gentle for their designs. She was beautiful, yes, but cared more for the synonyms of noble life than conniving and employing her appearance for cunning reasons. That such a union would produce a princess to rival her father, ah, what a precious treasure she was.” Laughing, Gunarra picked up a stick and chewed it. “My mistress held more promise than even her father, had he been born properly, and the Sea Mother took note. If she had left my mistress be, Marudak may never have revolted.”

I glanced over at Hasda, sleeping in the middle of his men. Yeah, I could understand that.

“The Sea Mother tried to take my mistress to be among her chosen. Not quite a pantheon, but certainly a place of favor.” The twig snapped as Gunarra bit too hard. She spit the piece out and went back to chewing. “However, only those select few could visit her once taken. Even I, as her handmaiden, would have been replaced.”

I frowned. “But if Tamiyat kept such a close grip on her gods, then she must have known taking Amber would provoke Marudak.”

Clamping the stick with her teeth, she breathed out through her nose. “The rumor that spread with the smoke of the Sea Mother’s fall was that she suspected the extent of Marudak’s alliances, and used claiming Amber as a way to cull him before he grew too large without publicly executing him. A pantheon’s fall was always brought about by another’s. That was her children’s game—”

Guttural growls erupted from the pile of men.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
MothNBone
Review

Hello Hello, I hope you dont mind me popping in with another quick review. I will once again apologize as I have not read the other chapters in this series. Please don't take this as an insult, honestly, I find it impressive you have written so many. It is just hard to find time to commit to how large and sweeping this tale is. Despite this, I hope my thoughts can brighten your day nonetheless. That is enough preface I think I should start the review properly. Let's get into it, shall we?

Overall I found this a fascinating follow-up. It was nice to get some room to breathe after the high-intensity fight that came before. Now I will admit that I had zero knowledge of the world's lore so it went way over my head. Despite this, I was intrigued as this plot seems to borrow from old folklore and new ideas alike. not to mention the whirlwind of politics, It made me want to come back once I could understand it.

I also liked the small bits of the setting and action we got as it helped ground the reader. It did a good job avoid the issue of them feeling more like floating heads than people as it can happen most commonly in dialogue-heavy scenes such as this.

Lastly, I want to say that hook is quite mysterious I wonder how long this peace will last.

Now let's move on to the feedback. As always I want to say that I am not a professional nor do you have to use anything I suggest. You are the author after all.

I do want to start off by saying that this might border on info-dumping. All of this information seems important but I am wondering if there was a way to show all this. Perhaps starting with a story being told and then switching to a flashback.

Secondly, I feel you could have pushed the environment a bit to reflect the emotions the characters are feeling. Something like shadows appearing on Gunnras face when she doesn't want to answer or the stars seeming to dim. Little details like that could elevate it.

Almost absently she flipped the collar right side out, revealing a thick piece of amber wider than her thumb


Personally to me, this sentence feels like it's missing a word near the end. I would do something like this.

Almost absent-mindedly she flipped the collar right side out, revealing a thick piece of amber wider than her thumb


I have one more nitpicky thing that is along those lines.

I shook my head, as much for her diversion as for the creeping chill of the night. “Let’s try a different tack


I think you might have confused a word here. I would rephrase this to something closer to this.

I shook my head, as much for her diversion as for the creeping chill of the night. “Let’s try a different tactic


Regardless I enjoyed reading this piece. You are doing a great job considering this a huge plot. As always keep writing and remember to drink water!

Yeah, the prose will get a lot more attention during revision. On your last note, though, tack is the correct word: 'tack' [noun 3] a method of dealing with a situation or problem; a course of action or policy.

User avatar
PenguinAttack
Review

Hullo dragonofphoenix,

I can see you have been writing this work for a considerable amount of time - and I'm not going to pretend that I have read all of the parts which make up your interesting world. That said, I think it's really good that jumping into this work on the 131 part wasn't clunky or awkward to read. Your subtle references to tails etc reinforce the fantasy setting without feeling over the top or forced.

I think that the language you use is engaging and communicates clearly each idea you're trying to get across. That said, there is a certain amount of stiffness to some of what you have written - it does not cleanly flow from one line to the next. I do not mean in the sections of dialogue, which present themselves well and are easily followed in the cadence of English speakers. Where the lines don't gel well is in the descriptive sections - particularly at the beginning.

We settled in for the night no more than a bowshot from the rat ambush. Hasda and his battered men picked at jerky before tucking in for the night. After laying her burden down and assuring herself that the jackal was comfortable, Gunarra lowered herself next to me with a sigh.


For example with these lines, the first two lines are fairly even in length and the third line is a similar length before the comma. This has meant that each line is read start-stop, though it is clear this isn't your intention. Consider varying the lengths of your lines more often to create a more natural gait for the reader. The third line has a better gait because of the comma but suffers for the similarity to the first two lines. As you clearly make this work in the sections of dialogue, it is something you may consider to enhance the cohesive nature of your work.

I hope my comments have been useful to you!
-Pen

Thanks for the feedback! Yeah, prose has been kinda meh for a while now, hit a point where it's been a struggle to write stuff (off and on for a few months now). It's something that's going to get some attention during revision, and I have a "master study" for a bunch of books planned but I want to get to a decent stopping point before I let a prose overhaul disrupt the narrative lol



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