My world is shattered.
My life is broken.
My heart is filled,
with your desires and lies.
Your bright blue eyes,
now a crimson red.
Your innocent face,
now a murderous stare.
Your wondrous joys,
now deceitful lies.
you ripped my heart in half.
you broke me like a mirror.
you threw me away like trash.
I know that you'll come back.
I know you'll try to claim me again.
I know you'll do the same thing.
but by than, I'll know better.
I hope you do come back.
I hope you try to do it again.
Than i can kill you,
in my own joyful ways .
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139,679 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
Very good. I liked the second stanza.
Oh! So cool. I'm part Twilighter, so I loved the 'crimson red' bit. Chills. Only part Twilighter though. I want to make a point of that.
Hi!
I loved your poem.
The opposing ideas have been expressed well. I think you could change 'wondrous joys' to something better. It doesn't go with 'deceitful lies.'
The third paragraph was also expressed well.
I think you wanted to say 'then' instead of 'than' in the fourth paragraph.
Keep writing!
well just please give some suggestions =D
I know Tucker. It's good, and I really like it. It just needs a little work, that's all. I'm not saying it's bad or anything.
thankyou greyed shina for your suggestions they were very helpful.
and ZOEY. for next time would you please actully give me a suggestion instead of just saying how bad it is it would be very helpful.
Thanks for all the help guys. i still really need critiques
Hey dogs!
This whole idea has been overused way too many times. If you really want to make it unique, add your own little twists and turns to it. Express your emotions in ways that you've never seen before. I know this sounds a little overwhelming, but it really is quite easy if you play with different imageries and word schemes.
Seriously? Oh, come on.
"Now a" is a little too redundant. Different word choice, s'il vous plait.
Same situation. "I know" is a little too redundant.
Otherwise, that's about it. This actually has a lot of potential, it just needs some work.
Keep writing!
zOe
This is really tell-y, dogs. You know the difference, I've seen you review.
I think you mean "your"
*then
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Dogs, you're being really tell-y and this idea is really cliche. You need to add your own twists to this and express yourself. Make blood your ink and put all emotions into this.
-Shina
i really liked the
very simple, but just showed the exact opposites
also just the ending paragraph. ive felt that way many times.