For you, For any who have lost there way or are frighten in the world
For we all are lost, and we all are frighten.
For any in pain or sorrow and For those who can no longer tell the pain from the joy, and the light from the dark.
I must leave you know, for i have found my way, but be warned.
I have seen what you have seen. i have felt what you have felt
For we all walk the same. So listen and listen well. for loves greatest art is to listen.
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139,679 Literary Works • 672,648 Reviews
thank you for all your help, i guess i will try to add a metaphor. i really appreciate it
TuckEr EllsworTh
Hi dogs!
)
I saw you had reviewed one of my poems and decided to return the favour. ^^
I find this poem could use some subtlety put in. You're using the title to explain what you're giving the people. If you were to give hope a symbol, something to stand in for it, then you could put some metaphors in the poem to make it stick with us. Say you used light to show hope (this is actually an old standby. If you were to think of what hope means to you, I'd probably be able to come up with something better. ^^). If you used light to show hope, you could show the despair as darkness. Then you show the light shining into the darkness and touching the people there. It would make the poem a lot more powerful. (But, like I said, light is often used for hope. There should be something better in your imagination.
Just remember: Poetry is not a list of what something is. Poetry takes that list and fleshes each point out. It adds metaphor, images, feelings, the five senses, and makes those list items something that will stick with you for a while. You have the list here. Now flesh it out and make it stick to readers. ^_^
Questions? PM me.
~Rosey
Hey!
Okay, lot of mistakes in this one. You misuse some commas, and as far as I can tell, frighten should be PAST TENSE.
So listen and listen well should not be a sentence; replace the period with a comma.
Um, I'm not exactly sure what the message is in this poem. It's actually pretty confusing. What are you trying to tell the reader?
In the third line, I thought you used the word "pain" too much.
I'm not a big fan of the ending, and I think it could use some work.
Good job otherwise!
See ya.
zOe