You are the sun and the moon,
The mdnight shine and the golden glow.
You are the flickering light adn teh shattered bulb,
The flashing lights and the steady darkness.
However,you aren't steady light or the never ending glow,
Never will you be the constant light.
Nor the bright blue sea.
You can't be the crimson light,
Or the plain white wall.
But have no fear. You are the summer life,
And you are the green spring growth.
You are the clever raccoon,
And the guiding night light.
You are the sun and the moon.
The unpredictable life.
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i love the poem but you have to be careful about your spelling as it is distracting and disturbs the lovely flow. try use spell check, its one of my best friends!
i really enjoyed the opening paragraph, i have read plenty of poems about the sun and moon but this was one of the best done! and the ending paragraph was a sweet ending. well done to you!
I completely agreed with what Galerius stated. You repeated several words which could easily be changed to keep the reader reading. Instead of Light/alight/lit write Illume/Relume etc.
Keep going, because practice makes perfect.
Hi dogs,
The first line is cliched and the rest is boring. I've heard comparisons to simply the sun and the moon too many times for me to find any art in it any more. If you were clever about the presentation, it may have worked. However, all you did in the succeeding three lines was...describe them as polar opposites. Yes, we get it. Light is bright and darkness is dim. Don't only tell the reader what the difference between the two is, elaborate on it and explain why it's important, poetically. Does it matter? Why should the reader care?
First line here needs to be scrapped immediately for several reasons. It sounds technical; "however" is a toxic word that few can use well in poetry, and the "you aren't" doesn't help matters. Furthermore, how is the glow never-ending? Which one of these is sun and moon anyway? You've attached various descriptions to both in the preceding stanza and now it's hard to tell the difference.
The next three lines are again basic descriptions lacking much thought or input in them. The sea is bright and blue. The light is crimson. The wall is white and plain. These are all visual. Use the five senses, not just one, to describe these.
None of this makes sense nor does it seem to relate to anything you've said so far. Raccoon? I understand that this is metaphor but it's completely out of place. Stick to one concept, and if you do plan on such a drastic change, make the transition elegant. And why is the life unpredictable? All you've told us (throughout the poem) is that it just...is. You haven't explained anything, and need to do so at least a little.
I do not think this can be saved, and hope that it was a quick attempt that you will not be loathe to get rid of to create a better piece.
Hope that helped,
Galerius
I like it a lot, it's got a certain essance to it, that really makes it mean something.... if that makes sense. I also love the way it's read, it just.... works.
HI!
It's a very sweet poem, I liked it. There were some things here and there, like some typos I noticed. Also, It was beautiful, but there were things that could be a little more poetic because you compared the person with things but in a wrong way.
Some nitpicks
typo, here is missing the i
you missed a the here. And the whole stanza after this verse has a strange rhythm and I think is because of the first long verse.
What did you mean by plain white wall? Let me tell you that I didn't like this, actually. it doesn't sound right especially when you're describing a person in a romantic way, I guess.
I think that the you are here is quite unnecessary; the verse sounds good without it.
The last stanza was very well structured, at least for me, and it's a bit stronger. Your wording was good except for the point of the wall, which I didn't like.
So that's it. PM me if you have any questions.