Sea of Snow

Thanks so much for your replies everyone! The irony of all this is that a lot of all of your guys's great ideas and correction conflict with each other so back to the drawing boards for me lol! I'm just compairing all of your guys corrections and it is taking a lot longer then i had anticipated because they are all such great ideas lol! Anyways please check out my other good side of snow and winter in Lyric Poetry "Winter Air" Thanks everyone sooo much!!!




TuckEr EllsworTh

Sigh, i love winter and your poem just makes it sound so dreary and terrible!!! oh bother you!!
But apart from that fact i liked the poem, the way you envisioned it with such a terrible view, i could feel the way you despise winter through it.
How about making another one about winter through a persons view who loves winter.

Hey! SnowBerry here
Your comments always make my day, so I decided that I should send a comment your way.
So, Here I go—

I loved this piece!!!
I honestly think your first and last stanzas are your best!
I read it too many times to count
I just have a few suggestions about the middle area.

dogs wrote:The Earth is cold,
the fields are bare.
And the dead branches fold
in the frosty winter air. :D

All I see, is a sea of snow
in blistering winds that blow
waves and waves of ice,
through these desolate lands they slice. Perfect, dont change a thing

Hades's breath reeks
in the freezing air, plaguing this bleak
and barren land,
now polluted by Death's hand. I think you need to describe deaths hand...like...."now polluted by Death's stone cold hand" or something like that, if you get what I'm trying to say

This use to be spring, where
it all sparkled with merriment. I think where should be in this line, not the first
And from the stars plummeted Hades's tear This line is awkward and doesnt flow very well
shattering like glass, leaving all in encasement. I know you were trying to create that rhyme from merriment but encasement, to me, just doesnt fit here...

He's left this dream-land with death and decay
letting all hope drift away.
All I see is a sea of snow,
where Persephone used to sit... long ago.


TuckEr EllsworTh

Dogs!

Lovely imagery that you've portrayed here. And bringing about the concept of Hades and Persephone was a really nice touch. This is definitely a great poem was losing me towards the middle. However, you picked it up really well and ended it beautifully. You've used some great words and that makes this poem really special.

The rhyme scheme you've used is great. And you've shifted in between two different styles. Try to make sure that your lines flow smoothly 'cause there were some parts where the elongated lines didn't really allow the stanza to be in proportion, thus making the rhyme quite forced. Though were only a few instances where this happened in the poem and it's not such a big deal. But to keep with the symmetry and the continuity of the poem, it's best to stick to the basics

So this was a sort of 'Part 1' of the Winter poems series. I'm looking forward to the poem you write where you speak on the good aspects of winter. As I always say, keep the ink flowing!

Murtuza

Hello, Tucker! Rose here!

I really like this piece. Personally, I like winter, but I can understand how the cold does get dreary sometimes. I like this because it expresses your personal view of winter, and giving your view on things is what makes you unique. I'm looking forward to reading the "good side" of winter poem.

The Earth is cold,
the fields are bare.
And the dead branches fold
in the frosty winter air.

The Earth is cold,
the fields are bare.
The dead branches fold
in the frosty air.

The Earth is cold,
the fields are bare,
and the dead branches fold
in the winter air.

All I see is a sea of snow
and blistering winds that blow,
through waves and waves of ice,
through these desolate lands they slice.

Hey dogs,

I really like this! I found that the poem flowed really well when I was reading it and I love the images it brought to mind. Although it does show the negative aspects of winter, there's a kind of beauty to it as well.

I think there are a few tiny little things you could change it to make it even better:

The Earth is cold,
the fields are bare.
And the dead branches fold
in the frosty winter air.

All I see#008000 ">, (I don't think you need the comma here) is a sea of snow
in blistering winds that blow
waves and waves of ice#008000 ">, (I'm not completely sure about this part. I think it might read better if yo changed the comma to a semi-colon, but that's just my opinion!)
through these desolate lands they slice.

Hades's breath reeks
in the freezing air, plaguing this bleak
and barren land,
now polluted by Death's hand.

This use#008000 ">d to be spring, #008000 ">where (I'd change this "where" to when)
it all sparkled with merriment.
And from the stars plummeted Hades's tear
shattering like glass, leaving all in encasement.

He's left this dream-land with death and decay
letting all hope drift away.
All I see is a sea of snow,
where Persephone used to sit... long ago. #008000 ">(I love this last stanza!)