Hey guys, Dogs here with anouther poem. I know its been a little while but I am writing a poem for the school Day of Silence in honor of all those who can'd their own voices. I know I'm defnitly really rusty and I need a lot of help on this one before it's ready to be presented to the english teachers to be decided if they'll put it in the presentation of Day of Silence for the school (which would be awsome). Anyways I've done lots of editing myself and I'm just not sure where to go... help please? Anywho, happy reading :)
I've lost my voice,
its slipped away,
and cowers behind
these muted lips.
I can't find it inside,
I've searched and I've tried.
It's been buried beneath
a sea of hate.
My voice
is drifting astray
as it's withering away
and lost in the sea
of lies and decaying dreams.
I can see my tears,
but I can't hear my wails,
as crashing waves
silence my screams.
Drowning my voice,
in a watery grave.
I just want to be known.
I just want to be here,
and not have worry
about if I'll disappear.
I've lost my voice,
help me please.
I can hear your whsipers,
but you can't hear my screams.
TuckEr EllsworTh (It's really depressing that my usual smily robot isn't working)
Pretty good Tucker I like the symetry thats developing 4 lines 4 5 6 4 4 concider 4456544? also check the line "and not have worry, about if I'll disappear."
how about "and not have to worry, whether I'll disappear" also as the rest of the piece speaks about losing something going astray and off course how about making the last line a question rather than a statement? more of an appeal rather than a negative closed comment. Should be nice when you finish with it ...XXX RusT XXX
It's a beautiful poem- raw, pure and soulful. However in my opinion it looks simple. You have such an interesting concept and would be beautiful if you went all out with it. Stretch it and see how far you can go. Some lines were so beautifully writtien, creating a clear rhythm that brings sensous imagery to readers. But as we go along, the rhythm starts to falter and the reader loses it and then somehow finds it again. However, I absolutely admire your voice. It tells reader that your flame is still strong and cannot be quenched by the pattern of life the society has created. It's a good poem and I am certain your teachers would feel the same. Keep tending your flame. It's all we've got.
Hey again, dogs!
That is so beautiful and sad! You really have a gift for emotional poetry, because you give it emotion without being morbid or sickening. This rhythmic kind of free verse suits the emotion of the piece. More free and it would have been too soft for frustration, more rhythmic and it would be too stiff and formal.
The tone is good, no spelling mistakes I can find and no grammos. The stanzas and lineation: great. Mostly equal, but with some variation. Rhyming—a few loose rhymes scattered about, still good (I don't usually endorse a few random rhymes, but in this case it works, and that's all that matters.)
Perhaps try varying the punctuation a little. Full stops, commas, colons, semi-colons, dashes (my favourite)—just throw them around. It might make for more expression. But it isn't necessary—it's fine as is.
Keep the ink flowing!
That was a really amazing poem. Honestly I would have thought a professional wrote it, and that we would study it in school. I would try and get it published. Good job.
I really love it. It tells you just how painful it is to have no voice and to not be heard. I could really feel the character's despair. And it all comes together in a nice, flowing way. Great job:)