Published May 25, 2013
"Ryan! You awake? I brought you a blanket so you wouldn't be cold!"
Mrs. Perry was outside my tent as I lay quietly on the ground. I want cold but I wanted to know how it felt to sleep while wrapped with a warm, cozy banket.
"Come in." I said softly. "Thank you, Mrs. Perry."
"It's my pleasure, Ryan" She said cheerfully. " I'm not about to let you freeze in here."
She lay the blanket on top of me. It was exceptionally warm. I turned on the lamp she had given me early with a zap From the tip of my finger. The light showed her to be wearing a small t-shirt that looked really provocative on her. The shirt looked too tight on here even though she was very skinny. Se wore blue jeans that also looked too tight as well. Her shoes matched mine oddly enough. The were jet black and fire blood red just like mine. She appeared so beatiful in that outfit. She looked so sweet and innocent despite the fact that she wasn't a little girl. Nor did she act like one.
"How are you doing, Ryan?" She asked inclining her head. "You like the city so far?"
"Yes, I do. Nothing seems to be wrong so it's fine with me." I answered. "By the way Mrs. Perry, is something worrying you? You seem a little on edge p, and you are sweating a lot."
"Huh? Why would you think that? I'm just fine. Mr. Devon turned the buildings heat up too high. That's why I'm dressed like this." She frowned. "I look so stupid."
"Mrs. Perry, if I may, you look very pretty. Prettier than anyone I have seen so far. You're very beatiful in fact." I said with a smile on my face.
Mrs. Perry's face turned bright red. "You really think so?" Thank you Ryan"
" Also there's no use hiding the truth from me. I already know a lot about you just by looking at you. First off, even though your title is Missus, you're not actually married. That's just a small trick of yours so nobody tries to marry you. Trust me I could tell the first time I heard you name and saw the way you're so perkey."
"You're a very bright young man, Ryan. You're the first to figure out anything about me just by being observant. Kudos to you!"
She turned around, about to head back into the scochong hot building, but something had stopped her in her tracks. "Um, Ryan," she said. It's really hot in there, so I was wondering of I could... Um, sleep in here with you tonight. That building is my only home and I cannot bear the heat anymore. So, could I please sleep with you tonight?"
Her request was so odd and random.
Why does she want to sleep with me? Is she already *that* comfortable with me around?
"Yeah... You can sleep here." I said grudgingly. I didn't want her to be burning all night. Her only other option would be to stay outside in what she felt as cold weather. She slid under the blanket and lay very close to me. She pulled me into her chest and held me tightly.
Hmm... What is her deal? Why is she doing this. This is too awkward now. But how to stop it. I must know. Think Sparker THINK!
I could have pushed her away but my arms were bent agains her chest, so the only way I could push her was to touch her breast. I tried my hardest to avoid that. I thought it was inappropriate for some reason. I dicided to just leave her be, but if she tried this again I would not let it go so easily...
The next morning, Miss Perry was still asleep and still holding me to her chest. She has loosened her grip so I was able to focus my mind and pull a book to me using a move called Psychic. The books cover read: Moves 101: the book of moves for beginner Pokemon. All night I was trying to master the one called Teleport. It involved de-materializing you whole body structure and re-materializing somewhere eles. Later I would use it to travel long distances, but for now it was all I need to escape Miss Perry's grasp. I emptied my mind, getting rid of every thought but escaping. Then suddenly I was outside. It had worked. I successfully pulled of the move teleport!
At about 13:11pm, some mail had been sent to Mr. Devon, regarding me. He came down and handed me the letter without a word. He seemed angry at me for something. I obviously didn't know what the reason was.
The letter read:
Dear Ryan Sparker,
I, Tracey Davis, have personally been able to witness the power you contain. Mr. Devon recommended you to my school the moment after you accepted to live in that tent. I was skeptical of your skill at first, but ever since I saw you fully power that lamp with you electrical essence with ease, I knew you could be a good choice for the last open spot in my class. I caught a glimpse of the way you used Teleport this morning, and I must say it was flawless.You've already learned to execute a move like Teleport at such a young age when you're not even a psychic type! So I have dicided to enroll you in my class if you'll accept. Before returning this letter, you must complete the questions given on the other pages.
Your friend,,
Tracey Davis.
P.S, I apologize in advance for any trouble my sister, Lisa (you know here as Mrs. Perry) may have caused you at night. She's a bit odd...
The questions on the other papers were in the catagory of "Where do you come from and who are your family." Of course the the only family I have is still an egg. Jason. The white egg that crashed near me before I went into the deep sleep with it.
After I finished the questions, I returned in to the Delibird who was patiently waiting on a fence post in the front of the Devon Corp. "Return to sender, okay?" I told it.
"Delibird!" It squaked. "Will do sir!" It flew off with the letter in thepouch it carried.
I headed toward the school, where the letter had came from. As I approached it, I saw the Ralts girl walk out of it. She seemed to be very friendly the way she smiled at me out of nowhere. She quickly head into the city, probably to get back home. I took my attention off her and headed into the school. A woman who looked similar to Lisa was waiting for me. Her looked like a twin except she had light brown hair and seemed shorter than Lisa. She wore a black suit with red bottoms down the middle. The cuffs the suit were fitted with golden cuff links and her shoes were high heeled and black which meant she was a lot shorter than she looked now. She sported long beautiful pig tails that seemed to be held up by a psychic force, because I couldn't see anything holding those things in place.
"Well hello there!" She said happily with her hands on her broad hips. "You must be Mr. Sparker!
This is odd. I'm so young but she gave me the title mister? I can tell I'm going to like this woman.
"Yes, I am Ryan Sparker." It's a pleasure to meet you, Tracey." I answered.
"Nah, the pleasure's all mine kid. Let me show you around the school. To be honest it's just as small as it looks from the outside, but a lot can happen here."
The first area was just an area with blue lockers for storing possessions you mkght not be needing at the time. The next area, which was at the end of the hall to the right, was only single classroom. "You won't be able to meet your teacher right now, but she'll be in tommmow. Down that hallway is an off limits room. There are no rules here but that room is only for me okay?" Tracey bent down and put her hand on my cheek. "You can do what you like here so don't feel like you're being controlled. Now if you would like you can get to know the students that are here right now if you like, but remember you don't have too." She ran hand smoothe feeling fingers through my gray hair. Now go on kiddo!"
Tracey went into her private room to attend to her business, while headed for the exit. An Electabuzz boy stopped me. He wore a red shirt and a black biker jacket. He wore a black pair of pants.
"You the new kid?" He asked.
"Yeah, my name's Ryan Sparker."
"The name's Elec Buzz, not Alec, Elec, got it?"
"Yeah sure." I answered. If people get your name wrong, then they must not pay much attention. Elec and Alec sound completly different. At least to me."
"Whatever. Hey, I got a piece of advice for you, don't stick your nose it where it doesn't belong. I own the other students here, and nosy ones don't sit right with me, got it?"
"You will never own me." I said getting closer to his face. "You don't know what I am capable of..."
He backed off. "You'll get yours." He said.
I went back to the valley where I had fallen from the sky. I washed myself and my clothes then I headed back to Rustboro City. I sauntered around a bit, letting the breeze calm me. For the third time, I saw the Ralts girl walk out of a market. She smiled at me again and walked off. I headed back to the tent where Lisa was still sleeping.
"Lisa, wake up." I said softly.
Suddenly she grabbed me and pushed herself on top of me. "Get off of me, now!"
Mr. Devon walked in and saw Lisa on me. "Oh no. Mrs. Perry get off him right now!! This instant!!!" She obeyed him.
"Uh, I'm sorry sir. It won't happen again..." She said as she ran off crying. "I'M SO SORRY RYAN!" She was bawling now.
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140,778 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Salutations.
Unfortunately, I have to agree with everything the other reviewers have said.
For starters, the mature content really is unexpeceted. Sure, you rated it "M", but the age restriction of twelve? Needless to say, it should be higher. Now, as for the effectiveness and use of the scenes with Mrs Perry... Ryan is older than the world itself, yet he looks like a boy? How does that make sense, even if he has been asleep for millennia. What's more, if he does look like a boy, why is Mrs Perry hitting on him? It makes no sense, unless she has a thing for children, but if that's the case, you really have to warn the reader beforehand.
I understand that you wanted to use the scene so you would have an excuse for Ryan to learn "Teleport", but if he created the world, why can he not do that already? Has the cloud somehow weakened him? If so, then you need to consider adding important information like that to the story. Either way, I don't think it's necessary to include the whole scene with Mrs Perry just for that. However, you have already written this chapter/episode, and since you don't seem likely to be editing it anytime soon, just keep it in mind.
Another issue many of your other reviewers have brought up is the Delibird Ryan calls an it. They have asked the question concerning that quite enough, but I have a different one: The Delibird is said to fly away, which means he/she is in his/her natural form, i.e. their Pokémon form. If he is like that, then why isn't everyone else? In fact, most of the people seem to walk around in their human form, so when do they change forms? I don't mean to sound rude, but this is simply one of the many gaps in your story, and frankly, gaps generally tend to confuse, frustrate and annoy readers.
Then, there's Elec. Electric types are resistant to other Electric types, so why should Ryan be afraid of this lowlife at all? Moreover, he is a Legendary, so why should he care a fig about what some common Pokémon has to say? And he simply threatens Elec back, and already the bully gives in? Firstly, that would enrage the bully even further, and secondly, where is his possy? A bully is nothing without his followers.
Finally, we have the last scene wherein Lisa/Mrs Perry once again goes for Ryan. Not only is this scene really inappropriate, but it doesn't even serve a purpose. In addition, I think you made her reaction a little melodramatic - and by a little, I mean a lot.
I am sad to say this has been a very disappointing chapter/episode. Hopefully, the following ones are of a better standard.
I know, these earlier episodes are far lower in quality than what I produce nowadays. The only reason I don't edit them is because I like to look back at how much I've grown. I hope you understand, and thank you for being honest in your review regardless of the fact that the work is over a year old. I appreciate it. This episode is one I look back on and say, what was I thinking?
Thanks again!
Yes, it is often good to see how one has grown. I am excited to read your latest works, though I must review the works in numerical order.
Of course, there's no rush!
I did not read the whole thing. I CAN'T BELIEVE ONLY THIS ONE IS JUST SOOOOO LONG! The title makes it sound like Tracey, from Orange Islands is gonna be there. Please remember that I did NOT read the whole thing. If that person turned the heat all the way up, then why was a blanket given to Ryan? "Return to sender, okay?" I told it.
Why is the delibird an "it" while all the other characters are he or she?
That's what someone else said, and I agree with that person, and I forgot their name already! I don't have much to say, but I still need alot more points, because.... I want to publish alot of things. So I guess.....End of review?.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................Yeah I guess this is the end of the review!
ACK!
Okay, first of all, I was completely blindsided by the sexual tones in this story. We go from an epic world-building to a really odd scene between a mother figure and a son figure. It is something the reader doesn't expect at all because you build Ryan up as a kid. Yes, he's very old, but he doesn't really know anything about the world. I guess for that reason, I can understand why he's confused by the situation instead of immediately upset, but I don't understand Mrs. Percy's reasoning at all. It feels very creepy to me for an adult in a caretaking position to take advantage of a kid like that. If your story is going to hit on sensitive lines like that, you might want to try to make that obvious in the first few sections instead of doing a 180 turn and surprising us with it.
What I AM happy about, with this section, is that you manage to make the uncomfortable situation NECESSARY to the plot. That was super surprising, because most dirty fanfic is gratuitous, but you make it so that Ryan learns teleport to get out of the situation, which is a really important moment in his life. I can accept odd situations much more easily if there's a reason for their inclusion.
Now,
Why is the delibird an "it" while all the other characters are he or she?
And...
Why does Ryan get angry so easily? Why does he even feel threatened by this kid if Ryan knows he created and molded the world and Elec is just some bully at school? I don't believe this moment of Ryan's character.
PM me with questions or comments~
As far as Pokemon fan-fiction goes, it's pretty good, but you need to check your spelling. I was going to copy and paste it, but there were almost too many. I hope I'm not being harsh. Describing the girl's cleavage, and or, "breasts" is fine in another work. But, this is Pokemon. You want to make sure to keep it E rated. If you're serious about making this better, try setting the tone more, and adding more vivid description. Oh yeah, and this bothered me a bit:
""How are you doing, Ryan?" She asked inclining her head."
There's already a question mark here. So you don't need to add, "she asked." That's redundant. And, "inclined" her head? "Tilted" or "cocked" would have worked just fine. I don't think inclined is the right word to use here. Look up the definition. There's a bit more of this going on throughout the story.
ERZA brought this up:
"Also I would have liked it better if there was little bit more description..and then you could have also given description of the facial expressions of the characters so as to give us an idea of what they were thing and feeling during certain circumstances or situations.."
What she's trying to say is, "Show, don't tell." You do a lot of telling rather than showing. For example:
"He came down and handed me the letter without a word. He seemed angry at me for something. I obviously didn't know what the reason was."
Saying that he handed it to you without a word is just fine. But, "he seemed angry at me"? That would have been fine after you described how his face was, or if he made a grunt. Was he scowling? Frowning? Any emotion to tell us he was sad?
Otherwise, the narrator is just assuming things. Then again, this is a first person story. And you can get away with a lot in first person. Certain characters may not describe the weather or the setting as well or as much as another character. It's all how one observes things. Re-edit, and I wish you the best.
You are good but I suggest you look into the work before you submit it. It will avoid unwanted spelling mistakes and punctuations which you have got in lot of places. Well this pokemon is for kids i suppose, so I want you to stop explaining things that are not appropriate. Its good to say explain the outfit of your characters but about their 'cleavage' and 'breast' come on dude it is so not good. If you wanted to say about that try it in a humorous way so that it won't be offending. You are good no doubt in that but you could avoid all these and make it funny. I really liked the way you took this and it is really good...Keep posting... Good Luck...
Sorry to disappoint you, but when I wrote this on paper, I wrote it just like this. I guess the twist is that it's not so much for kids anymore.
This episode lives up to the genre!Though it does not have much action it sure does have mystery and suspense...Also I would have liked it better if there was little bit more description..and then you could have also given description of the facial expressions of the characters so as to give us an idea of what they were thing and feeling during certain circumstances or situations..but anyway awesome job on writing this episode. Though did not read the other chapters and am giving this review without depending on the contents of the other chapters I have to say that this chapter was written very well..
Also much description on the weather or climate would have helped too...also some narration italics would have added some color to this..I know its too much to ask but well these are just some suggestion..you would know what I mean if you have pokemon in your mind while thinking about this:-) Also this would make the episode more visual..like even though I read this epi it did not feel like one just felt as it were an chapter..if you know the differences...
Over all nice work really liked it..Do update soon..and if I have time I will try to read the previous chapters in the near future.
As far as Pokemon fan-fiction goes, it's pretty good, but you need to check your spelling. I was going to copy and paste it, but there were almost too many. I hope I'm not being harsh. Describing the girl's cleavage, and or, "breasts" is fine in another work. But, this is Pokemon. You want to make sure to keep it E rated. If you're serious about making this better, try setting the tone more, and adding more vivid description. Oh yeah, and this bothered me a bit:
""How are you doing, Ryan?" She asked inclining her head."
There's already a question mark here. So you don't need to add, "she asked." That's redundant. And, "inclined" her head? "Tilted" or "cocked" would have worked just fine. I don't think inclined is the right word to use here. Look up the definition. There's a bit more of this going on throughout the story.
ERZA brought this up:
"Also I would have liked it better if there was little bit more description..and then you could have also given description of the facial expressions of the characters so as to give us an idea of what they were thing and feeling during certain circumstances or situations.."
What she's trying to say is, "Show, don't tell." You do a lot of telling rather than showing. For example:
"He came down and handed me the letter without a word. He seemed angry at me for something. I obviously didn't know what the reason was."
Saying that he handed it to you without a word is just fine. But, "he seemed angry at me"? That would have been fine after you described how his face was, or if he made a grunt. Was he scowling? Frowning? Any emotion to tell us he was sad?
Otherwise, the narrator is just assuming things. Then again, this is a first person story. And you can get away with a lot in first person. Certain characters may not describe the weather or the setting as well or as much as another character. It's all how one observes things. Re-edit, and I wish you the best.