Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.
I was going around looking for other Pokemon to battle. Tracey told me that if I won a battle against other people, or people who lived on the wild, that they would pay me a small amount of money. I needed the money for food because I had just realized I had never eaten anything my whole life. I needed something to eat or my belly would hurt. Or so I've heard.
About 50 or 60 wild Tailows flew out of me at once. One of them was different colored from the rest. Probably the rare Shiny Tailow. They squaked loudly at me to try and get me to run.
"You seem to be alarmed!" I yelled over their noise. "I only want to battle you all. Is that too much to ask? There's only one of me and many of you."
"One of him, you fools see?" The shiny one squaked. "Defeat him and we collect all his money! Attack you bloaks! ATTACK!"
They all flew at me, spiraling and pointing their beaks at me. I kicked the first one away, then followed up with with a Mega Punch on the next one. Suddenly, a strong discharge of blue electricity was released from my body, shocking them all. All of them squaked in great pain.
When the surge stopped, they all fell to the ground, unable to move. I looked at my hands. How did I do that? Was that my body reacting on its own?
"You h-have won against m-my clan." The shiny one said with a crackling voice. "T-therefore, you may t-take half of our money. It's in that tree over there. But only half! If you dare take more than that well come after you. You-u'll h-have t-tto r-run until y-you crash on the g-ground."
"Uh huh. Well anyway bye, and uh, the nearest Pokemon center it over in that city over there. You can flutter you useless wings over there."
I walked over to the tree the Tailow pointed to. I jumped from branch to branch until I got to the top of the tree. The tree was hallowed out. I jumped in, at the bottom was the money. About £10,000 Poké. Enough to buy food for a few weeks with only half of it. In spite of what the shiny Tailow had said, I took all the money. If they were serious about coming after me, I would just beat them again.
I went to the Pokemart and bought a few provisions. I ate them on the way back to the tent. Lisa was at her desk in her reqular blue suit and glasses. She didn't even look at me. As soon as she knewI was there she put her dead down and pretended not to notice me. I walked past her then stopped and waited for a bit.
Good, she won't face me. Great now I won't have to worry about her coming on to me again. I swear that woman is insane.
"Um, Ryan?"
Dammit. She's speaking to me.
"What do you want?" I asked angrily. "You plan on trying something else?
"No!" She exclaimed. "I wanted to tell you that Tracey wants to see you. She said it was urgent."
"Fine."
I dropped off the things I had bought in my tent and walked to the school. When I got there, Elec and some other boys were harassing someone; the Ralts girl I'd seen before.
"Hey little girl, what the hell do you think you're doing?" One of the boys said.
"I'm walking to my locker. There's nothing wrong with that." She answered. Elec grabbed her by the neck and slammed her against the locker.
"Don't get smart with me little girl!" He yelled "Who do you think you are?"
I stared at them for a moment. Not knowing what was going on at first. The Ralts was choking while Elec's hand squeezed her neck. She tried to pull his hand off her neck but she was too weak.
"I'm sorry!" She screamed while gagging. "Please let go of me!"
"Hey!" I yelled. "What do you think you're doing?"
"Hey Elec, that the new guy?" One boy asked.
"Yeah, and I already told him. This doesn't concern you Sparker!"
I jumped up and stepped on the two boys next to Elec. He let go of the girl. She gasped for air as she fell to the floor. His fist surged with electricity. He threw a punch at me but I dodged it and kicked him away.
"Get out of here you worthless fools. Unless you would like to be a murder victim." I said pointing to the exit. They got up and run out. I watched them run with the girl behind me.
"You okay?" I quietly.
"Huh? Oh, yes!" She said nervously. "Thank you for helping me."
"Yeah... You're welcome." I walked outside to think, but she ran after me and grabed my arm.
"Wait! She yelled. "What's your name? Please tell me!"
"Ryan Sparker. You wouldn't have heard of me."
I walked back inside as she watched me.
I went to the private room and knocked on the door. "Come in!" Tracey said.
"Hi Tracey." I said in delight. "What is I you wanted?"
"Well," She said scratching the back of her neck. "Um, you need to know something. Have a look." She put a red box on the table. I peered inside it. There was a sleeping dragon. A very tiny white dragon.
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140,778 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
Salutations.
I am glad his egg has finally hatched though.
Well, this chapter/episode is MUCH better than the last one, and at least you rated it appropriately.
The battle with the Taillows was interesting, but rather sudden. The chapter simply started with Ryan saying he wanted to battle other Pokémon. True, you do explain why in the rest of the paragraph, but an indication preceding it would nevertheless be nice. The actual flock of Taillows seemed to come upon Ryan quite suddenly and unexpectedly as well. Why was the leader so aggressive? In fact, he was almost manic...
Another thing I have noticed is that Ryan seems to know a lot about the world around him, despite being dormant for 99% of its existence. How does he even know what a Shiny Pokémon is without having seen one before? If this was a storybook, we would call this "meta-gaming" - using knowledge gained out of character in character. The reason this is wrong is because the character seems to be struck by divine inspiration and bam, they suddenly know something, with no indication whatsoever of how they learned this information.
The most disturbing thing is Ryan's blatant disregard for ethics: he created the world, yet he can take what is not his, and eveyone else simply needs to be fine with that? Yes, he did overpower the Taillows and obviously can again, but that does not give him the right to take the rest of their money as well. It's ironic that a potentially divine entity steals.
Another example of his disregard for ethics is his threat to Elec; sure, I have heard many people threaten to kill someone else, but if you tell somebody they are going to be a murder victim, then you are really saying that you plan on killing them. Therefore, I think Ryan's threat is taking things too far.
Overall, Ryan is a very confusing and contradicting character. If your idea was to make him like that since nobody told him what is right and what is wrong, then you have succeeded. I certainly hope Jason doesn't turn out the same way.
Starting my review......Now! I noticed a mistake. You put: I the money for food because I had just realized I had never eaten anything my whole life. Did you mean to put something else or was it supposed to be there? Also I can't find the first one of these thingies you're writing. You put: You useless wings instead of: Your useless wings.
You spelled grabbed with one b. You said knewI and it didn't have a space between the two words. I also liked it, but this is my first time reading one of these things made by you. I wonder if there's anything else to talk about in this review. Is squaked a word? Or did you mean squeaked. Fix your mistakes. And did the Pokemon talk because this is my first time reading on of your Pokemon things.
Okay, Dark. It had to happen at some time, I guess. This is the first time that I don't believe at all that Ryan would do this. He CREATED THESE POKEMON, so why would he beat them up and WHY would he be so mean as to be dishonest and steal their money!? This really upsets me. If I understood some kind of reason behind this -- a separation of the kinds of pokemon? Who is more like an animal to be beaten up and who is more like a human to fall in love with?? But I don't understand as this piece is written now.
Now, as for the second section about the Ralts girl, I have to pass on something a writing teacher once said about something I wrote. I wrote from a place of bitterness about a certain kind of person I saw as my enemy. Because of my emotion, I ended up writing their characters as TOO mean to be believable. They said things that real people would never say in real life, and I realized the meanness came from experiences, more often, than the actual actions.
What I mean to say is I can't accept a world where a kid attending a school threatens to murder other students and is still accepted at the school. Is there a reason for this? If Elec were this evil, he'd probably hang out outside the school or in the grass looking for battles all day.
Anyway, please do PM me if you have anything to discuss~
Hey dark!
I quite enjoyed the Pokémon series when I used to watch it on TV so I thought I'd check your piece out. Imagine my surprise when I find that your Ultimate Evolution is quite radically different from the original series!
I think it's quite cool to see gritty reboots of Pokémon. (There's a cool Youtube clip that I should dig out some time.) When you think that the series is basically about kids getting animals to fight each other for money, then it makes sense to explore the darker side of Pokémon.
But that's not exactly the impression I'm getting here. There's a main character who's quite comic in his contrast to Ash. While Ash was always thoughtful and helpful while being competitive, it seems that Sparkler is a bit more of a hard nut to crack! He's mean and dishonest and actually seems to be fighting the other Pokémon himself. I haven't read any of the other chapters but it does seem that most of the characters are actually Pokémon? I guess it would be clearer if I'd read from the beginning.
Despite this, the exchange with the Tailows was actually rather funny... It was random and there was enough of a connection to the first ever episode of Pokémon to ground the situation and give it some foundation. The second half of this chapter, however, was comparatively weak. There's some sickening violence against the Ralts girl that doesn't get meaningfully resolved. It didn't really seem funny or necessary to me -- try and work out what that adds to the story and, if it adds nothing, maybe cut it entirely.
I'm kind of intrigued to see where this is going -- if you watch out for little spelling mistakes then that would make the read much more enjoyable overall. Other than that, keep writing and exploring new Pokéterritory! Take care!
You are actually right about the characters of this world. They are all Pokemon, and they battle by themselves and with other Pokemon. Humans haven't even been created yet. The majority of the world if made up of Pokemon that take human forms. Someone Is acually making them for them but its currently unknown who. Maybe I'll reveal how's it's done soon, my fictional world here is quite complicated and it gets more so as the story continues. I hope I'll like the rest of the series!
Hello dark: Jordin here with another review for you. I hope it helps.
Okay dark this does not make sense "We cole t all him money!" I think that you meant "We could take all of his money!" Sorry if I am being to harsh I know you are Japanese or something.Okay this does not make sense I do believe that you meant "As soon as I came in and she saw me she put her head down as if she was focusing on her work" maybe that would be better...
This also does not make sense I think you were trying to say "She tried to pull his hands off of her throat but she was to weak."
this is not such a big problem I think you meant to say "They got up and ran out."
Another small problem I think you meant in this line "She said scratching the back of her neck." maybe.
Overall this was great really good.
Keep writing and good luck.
~Jon~
Man so many silly mistakes. Don't worry I know what I meant to put and it can speak and write in English perfectly. It's Okay really, I'll just edit this and fix those mistakes. You see I write on and iPad so the autocorrect on it messes me up a lot. It's a bit hard to counter.