"Ugh, this is gonna take forever." Violet pouted. "Hold on." Violet took Mauve's berrett key that was shaped like a star. She turned it to red side up, blue side down and pressed in into the stellar shape on the building's wall. The rusty door beside it creaked open. "Just as I thought, the key is flipped flopped and night."
"Look at you, thinking with your head and not your tits." Kray mocked.
"Alright, alright." Mauve interrupted. "Come on."
As the first sliver of light shone in the horizon, Jason started to stir. He blinked and looked up a me. I stroked his back and picked him up. He wiggled out of my hands and shuffled back to Magenta's side.
"Well, well. Aren't you a protective kid, Jason." I whispered.
I sat in the chair to the side of Magenta's bed and slowly fell asleep. All I saw was darkness. No images of my possible family. No images of any kind of future. Nothing.
When I woke up, Magenta and Jason were gone. I went downstairs to look for them, but they were nowhere in sight. I checked out front and they weren't there either. I heard Magenta's laugh in the back. She and Jason were playing together.
"Having fun, you two?" I smiled.
Jason looked at me and raised his hands with joy. The two played in outside for hours while I watched.
"Hey Ryan!" Lavender yelled from inside the house. "I need to tell you something!"
I walked back inside. She was sitting on the bottom of the stairs. She was wearing her provocative clothing again.
"What did you want?" I asked sitting down next to her. "You don't look so good."
"Gee, thanks. Any girl just would love to hear that they don't look nice." She groaned.
"You know what I mean. What's the matter?"
"I feel like.. I don't even know what I feel like. I just feel horrible."
"Maybe you didn't get enough sleep."
She rested her head on my shoulder.
"Yeah, I'm going back to sleep I guess."
I hope she's not really sick.
I went back to check on Jason and Magenta. Magenta lay on the ground with Jason on her chest. Her face was red with exhaustion. She was sweating all over.
"Magenta, Jason come inside before you die from having too much fun." I laughed.
"Jason, is some nice, Ryan." She squealed. "He so cute too! I love him!"
"Thats great to hear sweetie."
"Magenta, come over here would ya?" Lavender called.
"Are you still mad?" Magenta asked quivering behind me.
"Come on little sis." She coaxed. I'm not mad. Come on."
Magenta walked over to Lavender and sat on her lap.
"I'm sorry about yesterday, but I was just loopy that's all."
"Yeah, really loopy." Magenta giggled. "It's okay."
"Wow, Magenta, were you in a furnace or something? You're all sweaty. Go wash up will you?"
"Okay!"
Magenta went to take a bath while Jason waited for her in her room.
"Jason, be patient, will you? She's going to be back soon." I said petting his back.
"He seems to really likes her." Lavender smiled.
"I know. He might wind up loving her some day." I laughed.
"Nah, I agree with you." Lavender said looking into Jason's worried eyes. "They have a close connection."
"Yeah, you're right about that one. By the way, are you feeling okay?"
"Huh? Oh, no, I feel great. I did just need a little extra sleep. Thanks for the concern." Lavender smiled.
"You're welcome."
"Hold on.." She said staring at my eyes. "Check it out Ryan! Your eyes are red!"
"Really? I don't know why this happenes sometimes." I said looking into Magenta's mirror. "It's probably nothing."
After Magenta finished her bath, the night was falling in. She had been in there almost all day. She put on her nightgown and played with Jason in her room. Jason finally became tired and fell asleep right on Magenta's bed.
"Jason, Jason wake up!" Magenta said in a frenzy.
"It's okay Magenta." I said place my hands on her shoulders. "He's just sleeping. Maybe we should get to bed to."
"But I'm not tired!"
"We'll just lay down anyway. You'll be tired soon."
Magenta's eyes were getting heavy. "You better get some sleep, little cutie."
"Okay." She giggled, closing her eyes.
I went downstairs and into the back yard. The brisk, fresh air blew through the night. The moon shone in the sky. I stared up at it lying on the grass with my hands behind my head. I lay there for hours. Just staring at the moon.
"I still can't believe this world is all mine." I said to myself. "What compelled me to make something so great."
"What are you grabbing at Ryan?" Lavender said looking at be from behind.
"You must have been standing there since I started talking so, you already know." I answered.
"You know what, forget about it." She said, laying down next to me.
"What are you doing?" I asked her.
"Well, I see how you care about my little sister. And if you haven't noticed, I do too. So any of her protectors are friends of mine."
"Looks like Violet's been rubbing off on you."
She drooped herself over me.
"Aren't you an observant kid." She said, with an erotic look.
"Please. Don't. I have seen that look too many times."
"Calm down. My family will be back tomorrow anyway. All of this fooling around we do with you if merely a game meant to piss you off. Well for me it is but Violet kinda takes it serious. Besides, I know you have eyes for another girl."
"Yeah, Sato-San Sanna." I answered.
"I could understand. No hard feelings Ry." She smiled. "I like Sato too. But she's so distant. Just like you. You've never told anyone about you parents or anything else."
"I don't have parents Lavender. That's why."
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hmm! I'm finally back on this series for review day, dark! Happy to have you on my team again, too.
So this is what I'm wondering as I finish this episode. I'm wondering why you chose to end it where you did. Is Ryan admitting that he doesn't have parents a big important thing? Like a cliffhanger to see Lavender's reaction? That's what it would feel like if he hadn't already been so open about his past in previous episodes. He just happened to talk easily about his dreams, mentioned "I wonder what compelled me to create" this world in this very chapter, so it's not like he was keeping it a secret. He didn't want to talk about it with Sato, which was even more confusing. Is he trying to keep it a secret or not? If you let your reader know what he's trying to do, we can know whether this cliffhanger is supposed to be tense or not.
The next suggestion I had would be trying to describe people's body language more specifically. One problem I've had with this work is that it seems to through in sexuality gratuitously sometimes. I don't want to read the kind of fiction that some people write to just masturbate to, you know? We've all been there and written that, but for me, that's not what I want to spend my time reading. So it's juts been bothering me, but I finally figured out why. Generally, when someone's already intending to write erotica and to not put too much time into it, they're already feeling a certain way, which means they don't need any specific images or descriptions to get them into it. For those people, just saying someone gave "an erotic look" like you said in this chapter is enough. That, to me, reads like a calling card for "get ready to rumble", when I was just a few minutes ago reading about the development of a friendship.
So what would solve that feeling for me, I think, would be descriptions of the actual expressions instead of categorized descriptions of them. Instead of saying someone gave a mad look, say that suddenly their eyebrows plummeted and they pursed their lips to one side, or something like this. Using specific facial expressions can really bring your writing to life and avoid leaving a bad taste in reader's mouths WITHOUT losing the unique approach to sexuality that has potential here. I'm not saying your characters can't be sexual. But I think a different description of that sexuality would benefit your piece.
Lastly, before I move on, please make sure to edit your work. I've said it before and I'll say it again. Do your best! Here are some weird words I found.
I don't know what faught is!
So, freakin' freaking, huh?! Haha. Also, a typo on blue. Did you mean Mauve's key is also a barrette for her hair? And that the key is flip-flopped at night?
Okay, and one last thing. I don't at all understand how a girl could think with her breasts. I understand how guys think with their penises, because that means they're thinking about wanting sex instead of logically, but what would a girl thinking with her breasts mean?
On to the next.
Remember to PM me if you ever have any questions about these reviews.
Hey again, *breathes out* finally I'm done reading all the previous chapters. And I can understand everything that's going on now. It turns out I was right about Jason and Ryan's personalities, they're very kind, caring, too kind though.
Onto the review. To tell you the truth, I was lost in this chapter for good. I can sense improvement if I compare it to the previous chaps. The small mistakes that you seemed to make a lot when you started out, are very less now. But the story had always been interesting. Another thing is that I can remember all the characters, which is rare for me when so many characters are introduced but maybe it's the narration and the events that occur here that I can't forget anyone.
I was confused about Lavender's age. Ryan's only nine so how was he able to carry her all the way up to her room. I loved reading about the part when Jason and Magenta were playing, they seem so cute together, the picture that forms in my mind. One other thing intrigued me quite a lot, it's Ryan's eye color that keeps changing. I wonder what the reason is behind that. Overall, it was a nice, relaxing chapter, nothing serious happening here, everybody's fine and happy.
But I sure do hope to see some action soon, like the arrival of a new enemy or something. And I sort of liked Sato so I hope she doesn't disappear from the story forever. Anyway, keep at it. And wall post me when the next chapter is up. =]
Ryan is well, ultimate as the the title says. He could easily carry someone twice his size with easy. But yeah the action returns soon.
Hello dark. Jordin here with another review for you and your epic series. I hope it helps you out some in your next chapter.
Okay all was good here but you said "looked up a me" not "Looked of at me"Okay "Some nice" is not right I believe you meant to say "Jason, is so nice, Ryan."
Okay well this is a simple purple Problem you said "Likes".
Also I believe that you were rushing it in this chapter and the first piece did not make sense. Also something I noticed in this one is that you had to many periods and not enough commas.
Keep writing and good luck.
~Jon~
Thanks for reviewing, friend. And I realize the rushing involved. It's kind of hard to avoid when you lose the rough drafts and go off of what you remeber. It's worked out before but I kind of lost track of this time. Thank for pointing out all my mistakes as always.