Young Writers Society

Salutations.

The previous review was absolutely exhausting, so I hope you don't mind if I leave out the technicalities, such as spelling or language errors. There are two complete seasons to review, and I see you have already begun your third, so they will mostly be focussed on plot elements, though you will have to forgive me if I briefly indulge in critiquing the other aspects as well.

The previous chapter/episode had been rather short, but I had thought of it as a prologue of sorts. However, this chapter seems to be of equally short length, and I think that it should actually be a part of the first chapter/episode, since both deal with the creation of something - a world, in chapter/episode one, and civilisation, in chapter/episode two. Obviously, you won't be making changes as drastic as that now but it would be prudent to consider my advice while writing future chapters/episodes.

Furthermore, I just realised something: weren't Zekrom and Reshiram one being once, but when there was conflict in Unova the being split up into two? I have also noticed that Kyurem has not been mentioned yet. I suppose he will appear later...

There is another thing which I do not understand - Zekrom's desire to hide himself from the world. Why would he want to do this? I have literally never heard of a Legendary Pokémon dying due to age, though I do know some of them can die, so why would he want to isolate himself from his creations? In addition, Zekrom is supposed to represent Ideals, but at the moment, he seems to encourage anarchy. There is order in the world for a reason, and if everyone simply did whatever they wanted, chaos would ensue; poverty would most certainly not be restricted to only a couple of individuals, and nobody would co-exist peacefully. I understand that Zekrom desires an ideal world, but in order for that to be achieved, certain types of behaviour would be encouraged, whereas others would be discouraged and even punished.

When further exploring the last thought I have mentioned in the above paragraph, I also realised that Dark and Ghost type Pokémon have no place in an ideal world, because in an ideal world, nobody would die, everybody would be kind and friendly, and everyone would be happy. Yet the Dark and Ghost types do exist, which leads to the question of who created them?

Hopefully these questions will be answered in future chapters/episodes, but in the event they are not, I would advise addressing them.

Interesting... it would appear that you have created another piece in which I am confused, and yet pleased. The confusion comes from the lack of detail. Don't get me wrong, there are some great details in here, but not enough to satisfy me. (I'm picky like that.) For example; in the last chapter, Ryan was awake at the very end. However, in this chapter, he's waking up on a field of grass. Also, the time lapse was a cool effect, but I'm still not quite sure how it happened, or how the energy in the egg caused a vision of the future to appear in Ryan's head. I'm happy with this piece though. However short, it was an enjoyable read, and I will continue to stick with this story. Keep on writing it!

I hope you know that I'll be doing reviews of all of these Pokemon Ultimate Evolution things. I just want 300 points again. I also somehow published 2 things with 300 points. The grass kissed you literally? It has no mouth/lips. That's what it needs to kiss you. Also I keep forgetting you're not a Zekrom anymore, and are a human. How does everything turn into a time lapse of the future? How fast did it go? I need to know all of this stuff so I can picture it without not understanding some things. After this I will need to give 2 more reviews unless this isn't a 1000+ character review. I FORGOT TO SAY THAT THIS IS A REVIEW.This is a review. These are very short, but my Pokemon things are short too, so....ANOTHER QUESTION! Why is Zekrom the oldest in this world? Arceus is the oldest. Without Arceus, Ryan Zekrom Sparker, also known as Zekrom would never have been born! Explain all of that to me. I guess all of these ARE YOU'RE ideas. So I guess this makes sense since these are your ideas. I'm still trying to give the longest review ever in a Pokemon book. But I never really have much to talk about except for all the stuff that is wrong and other stuff like that. Why is Zekrom always sleeping? And I KNEW THAT EGG WOULD HAVE RESHIRAM HATCH FROM IT!

Hey again, Dark. So, I'm here for part two and it's much shorter than the first. They go really well together. It seems like there's no break in time, so I wonder why you decided to break it up.

First off, be sure to be careful about your spelling, okay? I caught this:

accedently

The air was calm. The grass swayed in the wind, literally kissing me as it brushed up against my lips as I lay sideways on the grass. Suddenly I was standing up. I knew I was asleep but I felt wide awake. I saw lots of people living amongst one another, so peacefully. Then everything turned into a time lapse of the future. The people had built many towns and cities. With no one telling them what to do or how to live their life. No laws existed and everything was just fine. I knew there were going to be one or two people living in poverty for some reason and nobody helping them. The kind of world that was perfect in my mind. Before I could see more I woke up to the sound of thunder.

unh... What's going on?

accedently

I accedently shot a bolt of lightning at a cloud and in flew down to me. A pitch black cloud floated in front of me. It was very small.

I didn't see it but I knew what to do now. I had to make myself disappear. I had to do seal myself in this cloud, slow down my aging so that it's not obvious to the Pokemon that I'm the oldest person in the world and the one who created everything.

The name wasReshiram Flamer.

I went to sleep on the grass again. When I woke, the cloud had fully expanded. I stuck my hand into it and I had to force it out.

Hello dark this is better or as good as your other one.

(I love it.)

’m assuming that it’s some kind of Pokemon fan-fiction? Well if it is, then there’s probably a reason for why I don’t understand so much of this story . . .
Okay, so from what I see, this’s some kind of prologue for a book, right? As far as that goes, I guess it’s pretty good, but seeing as I know nothing about Pokemon I can’t hope to understand it. You can’t count on all of your readers knowing what you’re talking about. It’s never a bad thing to put in a bit of description (Maybe an introduction in Narrative Summary) describing what you’re talking about . . . Obviously you’d put a note in for those readers who don’t need to read it.
But anyway: for the writing.

Hmmm, okay so, I assume this is the other Pokemon? Reshiram? And he's giving his name to... what? Who? One of the two characters in the story? This is confusing, I must confess. It seems you're thinking more in the terms of an anime *cough Pokemon cough* what with the time lapses into the future and everything. This would work well as an anime, but I don't think you managed to translate what you were envisioning properly into text.

I notice the mental connection to the two eggs, but still. I just don't understand what this novel is about, or going to be about. It's all very jumbled and confusing.

Once again, I think you should just get rid of these first two chapters and tell us about characters, normal characters we can understand and care for, or perhaps despise, but at least relate to. Then, these two chapters can be used as flashback, or handy Deus Ex Machina to explain something in the plot. This could be used as a twist later on, but I'm just not seeing it as of now.

Do what you will.

Hope I gave food for thought
~Ita

Okay, so, Black here for a Review Day Review.

XD, so I don’t really know what this is . . . exactly, I’m assuming that it’s some kind of Pokemon fan-fiction? Well if it is, then there’s probably a reason for why I don’t understand so much of this story . . .
Okay, so from what I see, this’s some kind of prologue for a book, right? As far as that goes, I guess it’s pretty good, but seeing as I know nothing about Pokemon I can’t hope to understand it. You can’t count on all of your readers knowing what you’re talking about. It’s never a bad thing to put in a bit of description (Maybe an introduction in Narrative Summary) describing what you’re talking about . . . Obviously you’d put a note in for those readers who don’t need to read it.
But anyway: for the writing.

What I see: A ‘person’ (You don’t specify whether it’s a guy or a girl, human or not) falls asleep in some grass and has a dream were they see what they have to do. Then they use some kind of power and make a cage out of a cloud that will keep them in an induced coma for X years. That way they can wake up 10,000 years after this, just fine.

Let me know if that’s wrong.

Grammar:

The grass swayed in the wind. Literally kissing me as it brushed up against my lips as I lay sideways on the grass.

people living amoungst one another

unh.. What's going on?

I accedently shot a bolt of lightning

, I needed to give my sibiling

The name wasReshiram Flamer.I