*This story is underneath my folder titled “Grasscove, U.S.A.”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=117842&start=90. Enjoy!*
We aren’t walking anymore, we’re running now. We have to, because whatever is behind us is getting closer. Lilliana has let go of me and runs ahead. She’s calling out to Emery and Ophelia about it and they too begin to run.
Something else is cracking too. It’s one of the white crosses, but I’m not sticking around to find out what’s in it.
“Don’t leave us here!”
A hand has grabbed into my wrist. A hand that has no skin on it. I can’t shake my wrist away, so I’m screaming for them to turn around. They’re not doing it. I know they can hear me. I’m loud enough, right? So why can’t they help me?
It suddenly yanks me backwards, throwing me on the ground. It stands in front of me-her. It’s a girl, I think. She’s a skeleton. An actual skeleton. Her hair is white, hanging limply around her face. Her dress looks like it’s beige with floral print, but I can’t really tell, since there are huge green and black stains smattered on it. The ends are tattered, too. She wears no shoes, so I can see every bone of her toenail, like the claws of a dinosaur. I know that we all look like that underneath our skin, but seeing this, right in front of me, her bones out in the open…it’s disgusting.
“She left me and my little sister, Emily, in this place. She took our blood and ran off with my skin.”
I get up from the ground and the skeleton girl, who is about the same height as Lenora, grabs onto my arms. If she had eyes, she’d be looking at me.
“Take us with you.” She gasps.
I’m still in the expanse of crosses and angel sculptures, but I don’t see anybody else. There’s something else holding onto me, I can feel it behind me, clinging on like an animal.
“That’s Emily. Don’t be scared. She won’t hurt you. I won’t either. I’m Sybil. Let us come with you. Please?”
There’s a hint of a child’s voice when she’s talking, something like a fourteen year old’s. I haven’t heard Emily speak, so I glance at her briefly. She’s an eleven year old girl, her skin as pale as Sybil’s bones, her black eyes feverishly darting around, taking in her surroundings. Her pink dress has slight stains, but they’re not as noticeable.
“We’re looking for someone with evil deeply rooted in them. I don’t yet know if it’s a someone or a something. Are you sure you want to come with us?”
I don’t know how I was supposed to respond to that or what to tell her, but I’ve told her that much of the truth, which I think is enough for now, anyway. I feel like my breath is going to leave me the more I stand here.
“Yes, of course! Anything is better than here!”
Sybil then lets go and runs behind me, saying that she’ll watch Emily and let me lead them both out. I can’t believe that I’ve been left here and I don’t even know how I’m going to get out of here, but if I was able to end up somewhere completely different after leaving the hotel, then I can escape.
I walk, with dead weight latching onto me.
……………………………………………….…………………………………………………………………
“Do you remember how you died?” I ask.
It feels wrong to just ask that question out of the blue, but maybe it can help us. It might also help Sybil and Emily. The crosses and the angel sculptures still loom high over us, but the sun shines brighter.
Sybil swings her arms back and forth as she walks, a careless motion, though it looks like her bones might fall off.
“No, not exactly. But I do remember that there was a woman who was supposed to take care of us. She came after our parents died and made us do bad things. We couldn’t do anything to stop her, so I planned for us to escape. Emily didn’t want to wait.”
She pauses, turning her head away from me slightly. She takes what sounds like a deep breath when it’s the rattling of bones.
“Emily told her every opinion she held of her and threatened to tell everyone what happened. As if she COULD tell everyone. That didn’t matter to her. She still killed us and trapped us here. I got an angel. Emily got a cross. I think that’s her cross over there!”
Sybil points to a white cross with pink streaks in it. The top of it is broken off, bits of rubble left on the cross arms. That must be the cross Emily crawled out of, which means…
“You were in the angel?”
“Yes. I was. Emily used to have a voice but she took it. I used to have skin but she took it. You’re going to help us get back to the living world.”
Me? What does she think I’m going to be able to do? I’m just a person, I don’t have any powers.
But I won’t talk to her about that. I’ll bring them both back and then we can talk about it later.
“What’s your name?”
“Elizabeth.”
“Elizabeth. Okay. I don’t know what you and the others were doing here but I’m glad you found us. I’m glad that there’s somebody dead with you too, it’s nice to not be the only dead ones here.”
Ah, she must be talking about Ophelia. She doesn’t know that Lilliana and Emery are vampires. Would it matter if I told her? I’m not worried about scaring her, I just don’t know if it’s right.
Well, I guess it wouldn’t hurt. She might like that there are other dead people. Besides, I already told her my name.
“Ophelia isn’t the only dead one. Emery and Lilliana are vampires. You’ll have them.”
“Those are their names? They sound lovely! I can’t wait to meet them!”
“I’m glad you feel that way.”
But I really am. Even with all of this going on, I’m a little bit happy that she at least is excited to meet other people.
I see that we’re not in the graveyard area anymore. We’re surrounded by tall, brown-gray grass, grass that’s so high I can’t see the sunlight clearly, only the shining ends of it. It’s so hot out here. I’m glad that I’m wearing a tank top. I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t.
The ground is starting to slip away from me, I can’t feel it-I can’t feel it?! What-am I-I’m doing it. We’re all doing it.
I’m not kidding, the sun is getting closer. We’re flying towards the sun. My eyes hurt. So does my skin.
Everything hurts.
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140,939 Literary Works • 673,761 Reviews
They there, creeper! It's been long since I reviewed a work of yours, and it seems I didn't catch this before. I must've been busy then, but I can pick it up now! I might be a little rusty with the plot, though I remember the last cliffhanger. You know how this goes, so let's begin~
This is particularly interesting.. I don't know what could've been the better alternative, but leaving behind your girlfriend who's at a physical disadvantage, seems very selfish to me. Perhaps she should've held her hand to make her run faster as well? It might've slowed her down a little, but would've reflected well on her. Till now I've only critiqued Elizabeth, but she clearly deserved better here. Because no matter how much the stakes are, I don't like the severe disadvantage Elizabeth faces alone. Crisis really uncovers everyone's true colours.
Almost like the painted villians are trapped victims themselves, love the idea!
Oh my, perfect writing ahhhhh. The horror, the way you amplify and the reader's worst fears turned to reality! Not only have they deserted her in the race, but don't even care enough to look back if she's following. That is so much more colder. I don't expect much from the siblings, but Liliana lost my respect here. The later point seems like a spiral, and I don't really believe Elizabeth called out loudly enough (probably too frozen in fear). Because it's one thing to be ignorant, and another to shun away a cry for help to maximize the chances of your own survival. My theory would also hold good with the overthinking Elizabeth was portrayed with earlier.
The idea that it pulls her back makes the distance between our lovers so much more, and the vibes much more agonizing! I like that you decided a skeleton character for once, I've not seen that in your never list of original character till now (at least in any of the projects I've read). But I didn't really like how you beautify it with white hair, perhaps not that big off deal but puts me off personally. The outfit descriptions are tolerable, but I think it'd be good to have a simple version for once- just a skeleton physically with nothing added to make it cutesy. Sometimes, raw is good!
Such a tragic backstory! I think it's about time our heroes start running and help these creatures, for they really look like they could need it. At least pretend to turn back just because you care for Elizabeth!
Love how plainly Elizabeth states the case here! She wants to help them, but wants them to be aware of the danger they'd be putting themselves in. Our narrator is doing exceptionally well this chapter!
She's not asking because she's curious but because it could prove useful, a places helping the dead girls more than herself. I love the way she's thinking, my poor heart! Really want to wrap Elizabeth in a warm hug <3
Really get both sides here! To the girls, Elizabeth is their one savior. And since she found them after so long in a mysterious place, they must think she is linked to supernatural powers herself. It's a believable oversight that the people accompanying her had special abilities instead. To the bad luck of these three girls, they seem to have left them behind sensing danger. Elizabeth must feel the weight of expectations she can never really meet, and the girls are about to get their hopes crushed after waiting for what must've seemed like an eternity.
I can sense a tinge of sarcasm here, and I wouldn't even blame Elizabeth if she meant it. Hell, I want her to hold her own and be upset. I could see her discounting the action for panic and fittest survival, but it'd be better to see her hold bars the people around her should meet, which includes not leaving her alone to die when they're all at a supernatural advantage to begin with! I can't believe how horrible they were for this.
The vague ending gave me some mixed feelings, but I shall bite my tounge till we find out more. The prospect is potent though! Anyways, meet you in the next chapter. Keep writing, I quite enjoyed this~
Much love, Alex
Thank you, I’m glad you enjoyed!
'We aren’t walking anymore; we're running' is a more impactful way to say this, using a semi-colon for the impact!
Like always, you've done a great job with the physical horror here. The details about Sybil's skeleton:
and also the part about Emily's stolen voice and skin:
are both LITERAL losses and not just a metaphor. It gives the ghosts a real specificity which goes beyond the traditional and generic hauntings in stories.
The way you deliver the backstory through the dialogue works well.
This is a nice and childish detail that makes Emily feel real even though she never speaks.
The ending suddenly shifting into sun-flight and pain could become a logical and intentional dream escalation, but at the moment it feels more like an abrupt scene-cut than a payoff, but this could be easily fixed
And Grasscove next, the other thing you pinged me abt (which is btw not necessary, I catch all the Green Room works hehe –it’s just the Janice chapters are not quite as obvious. That’s why I asked you to ping me abt them ^^)
Uhm that makes it sound as if the scenery suddenly shifted? And not that they simply walked far enough that they are not in the graveyard anymore? I wish you would have found a way to slip in the scenery change more organically, earlier. I feel like walking into a field of tall brown grass might be worth commenting on!Hm don’t you mean that the hand has grabbed her wrist, not into it? Or did they literally bury their fingers into her?
Also the skeletons talk so I guess they can at least be reasoned with?
Also innnnteresting that even Lilliana is ready to just abandon her to the horrors…
How does she know the skeleton is a girl? From the clothes? Maybe you could work that into the sentence where she comments on the perceived gender instead of it coming two sentences later? :3
Ohhh I wonder who left these poor girls blood and skin-less behind…. I WONDER WHO COULD HAVE DONE THIS, HUH?!
Hmm if they are really skeletons, how does this work? “her black eyes feverishly darting around, taking in her surroundings“?
I also wonder why the skeletons need someone else to take them away from here? It appears that they can walk all by themselves, even freed themselves from the crosses all by themselves…
I like that despite finding them disgusting, Elizabeth is absolutely ready to help these poor souls!
Hmm I find this phrasing a bit weak “Emily told her every opinion she held of her”; like Sybil would focus more on what Emily ACTUALLY said instead of generalize here…
Oh I don’t like (as in I am anxious, not bc of writing problems ofc!) how they are not mentioning the name of the woman who did this to them. It makes me feel antsy, as if I wont like the eventual reveal….
While I commend the creativity, I don’t think it comes across that she is literally floating away from the ground atm:
And I also feel like the ending doesn’t have sufficient descriptions of what’s happening. As in yes, we are focusing on Elisabeth’s feelings of pain etc but… maybe there is MORE to the experience of LITERALLY flying? What about the stomach dropping, the grass getting smaller and smaller, the wind? The smell…. The just… anything? It feels very bare-bones atm 😊
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Emily is a ghost whereas Sybil is a skeleton.
Thx for reading and the advice!