*This story is underneath my folder titled “Grasscove, USA”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
Lilliana sits on a chair across from me and takes a deep breath. She fists her right hand and rests it underneath her chin, then she says:
“A few months ago, I woke up feeling like there was something…off. I brushed it off as waking up from a surreal nightmare, but the odd feeling didn’t go away. It persisted onto the next day, then the day after that, and so on.”
Lilliana moved her hand away from her chin, putting both her hands on the different sides of the armchair as if to steady herself and continued:
“The off feeling was that the very thought of blood, rich and red, dripping from the flesh of breathing beings, was more appealing to me than eating food. Any food I ate, I threw up when alone. I thought at first that I had some strange, undiscovered disease but then, one night…I couldn’t take it anymore. I couldn’t take another day spent throwing up what was supposed to give me life and so, I jumped out my window and landed perfectly on my feet, going on with my search for blood…I don’t know who I killed, but when my senses became clear to me, I saw a dead boy bleed before me, a teenage boy, his eyes bugged out…but I felt better than ever. Elizabeth, that is how I learned I was a vampire. I don’t know how or why this happened, but I didn’t want to talk about it…please…don’t be mad…”
“Mad?! Why would I be mad? I just…I’m just confused, that’s all. You’re a vampire? Are you sure it’s not some kind of weird sickness? I just can’t believe that you’re a vampire and you killed that boy and-“
“Elizabeth. This took a lot of me to confess. Don’t dismiss this as something that didn’t happen. I know that I’m a vampire and I’m not the only one. Emery is too.”
There’s no hint of a joke on Lilliana’s face. I can’t believe that it was her who killed that boy, that vampires exist, and all this time, Lilliana was scared of telling me.
“Emery is real?” I ask, my voice whispery like a ghost’s.
“Yes, he’s real and we meet at the train theme park. Come on, I’ll show you right now.” Lilliana says, getting up from the armchair.
There’s a flicker of happiness in her eyes, as if she’s excited to show me the theme park, but first-
“I’m gonna change out of my pajamas first and then I’ll join you.” I say, getting up from the chair.
Lilliana nods, muttering “Of course, of course” and as I get up, I still wonder…
How is this happening?!
……………………………………………………………….
I’ve changed into a red tank top with sparkling, sequined flourishes of flowers, bell-bottom jeans, and black high-top sneakers. If I’m going to an abandoned train park, I want to look stylish and yet somewhat practical.
I had jumped out the attic window in Lilliana’s arms and we both came out unharmed. If I had any lingering doubt about Lilliana being a vampire, it was extinguished in that moment.
I asked her why we were going to the train theme park earlier and she said that it was where she and Emery would meet up. She had texted me tonight because she was originally going to send me pictures of the train theme park but decided that it would be better to tell me the full truth.
I know a little more now, but I’m still trying to wrap my head around all of this, to gain a deeper understanding of this. We’re currently at the train theme park, surrounded by train-centered attractions that are choked by curling ivy leaves. The air smells like blue cheese and just now, I remember that this theme park was called…”Rickety railroad”. Why anyone would want to take their kids to a theme park called “Rickety railroad” is beyond my understanding. I guess entertainment was cheap back in 1953.
We’ve stopped in front of a dark ride called “Gory Grasscove”…wow, I’m actually surprised that a ride built in the 1950s has that name, since gore wasn’t really a thing until the 1970s. Maybe it’s a ride made during the seventies and not the fifties, I don’t know.
But either way, we’re here and Lilliana is telling me to follow her. None of this seems wise or right but then again, Lilliana is literally a vampire, so I doubt that doing the right thing is going to be the correct thing right now.
I follow her to the stereotypical haunted house design of the attraction and we sit in a black carriage seat together, the seat that would take us throughout the ride…if it were still in operation.
I’m only sitting here because Lilliana is doing this. I have faith that Lilliana has a plan for this but still…does it involve somehow getting this ride to work?
Lilliana smiles at me, then she turns away from me and cries out:
“With the spark of unholiness, lead us away!”
She reaches out with her left hand, her fingers extended out like claws and from it, deep, sapphire blue sparks rain down, circling around us and…and making the carriage move.
Lilliana’s grin spreads across her face, making her gray-blue eyes glimmer in the pale moon glow of night. I take it in before we’re plunged into the darkness of the ride and we’re surrounded by…
It’s the town of Grasscove. Well, what people back in the 1970s interpreted the town of Grasscove to be in the Wild West time period. There isn’t any light in here, but there are animatronics who cry out lines, some of them being cowboys who shoot fake bullets into the air, and a backdrop of a Wild West scene behind them. The animatronics are lit by golden, hazy light so that riders know they are there, but not enough for riders to make out the mechanics of the ride.
This could almost be a romantic date if it weren’t for the fact that the music and the animatronics voice lines combine together to make a strange whirlwind of noise, something that sounds like a disorienting dream and-
The clocktower in the ride that is modeled after the real thing bangs a resonance sound, something that reverberates all around us, that seems to make the ground shake, and I find myself clinging to Lilliana, shocked by the sudden sound, but she doesn’t flinch, not once.
I hear someone jump onto the back of the ride. It’s not an animatronic, it’s an actual person, I’m sure of it. Who else is on this ride and why are they here and-
“Howdy, Liz! Name’s Emery. Lilliana told me all about ya!”
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Canary word: Present
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Hey creeperfeverdreams! You guessed it- another review from Alex. You know how this goes, so let's dive right in!
Is her elbow supported against one of the armchairs here? If not, I imagine this to be an extremely uncomfortable position to sit in. It doesn't look like a pose someone will choose willingly and thus compromises the sense of realism. It's a minute thing but I thought to point it out as it may benefit from some editing.
Onto more significant matters now. So we begin with some character backstory for Lilliana. I find it fitting, considering how much it was needed by the closing of the first chapter. It's a heartbreaking tale, really. To have no control over your own instincts is the life of a beast. And the life of a beast is by no means a good one. For her to kill a boy unknowingly must have left a deep impression on her, like she could never truly recover from it. The struggle is depicted in such a vulnerable light, it makes empathizing a natural response. I believe her being a vampire could explain her discreetness in sneaking up behind Elizabeth, not to mention the strength it must've taken to climb up to the window. The details are checking out, good job! But I also sense a distant plot hole- how did she become a vampire? She claims she doesn't know which is answer enough I guess- that the reader shall not know until a third or omnipresent perspective presents itself. Is she dead right now and who converted her and why- are the questions we currently seek an answer to.
Oooh, I love our protagonist being called out like that! Don't get me wrong, Elizabeth's unfiltered thoughts are refreshing most of the times but she simply has too many of them to the point that she begins to sound problematic. It's nice to see she doesn't get away with dismissing Lilliana's reality like that. Even the best protagonists need a little humbling from time to time.
*sigh* here comes my chief complaint again, in a new form. The emotions are so turbulent in this story that by the time I get used to one tone, it's already changed. I'll be frank, I much prefer the somber narration. I don't hate light writing but I find it unsuitable for the grave matters being discussed in this series. Also, the literary commentary of Elizabeth with which the story began was so addicting that I wish to see only that. It might just be a personal preference, but I think it suits the theme better overall. The tone really needs to be reined in if you don't want to lose the reader's interest by coming across as too fickle.
Uhh.. should this really be Elizabeth's concern right now? I feel like you're trying to portray them as these silly fun girls in love, when they're really not. Their issues were so visible in the first chapter yet I see none of those topics expanded on. Her partner just told her she's a vampire and wants to show her something, I'd put on the first decent dress and rush out if I was her. At such a delicate time such as this, Lilliana might need Elizabeth's support and appreciation much more than her fashion sense.
We get some history lore no one asked for but it's a nice touch, overall. I do think you could've incorporated more important conversations but I'm not TOO against this.
I don't even know which poetic device you'll call this but it comes across as PERFECTLY BEAUTIFUL. You've outdone yourself with this line. Bravo! It's relevant and yet so smoothly depicted. It paints such an amazing imagery.
It seems I've read enough of your works now to pick out the classic creeper style of portraying horror in a fun light. It's a spectacular idea, for sure! But unfortunately, I don't see it working out in this particular story. For such a meaningful monologue at the beginning to be entirely spoiled by the end. I really feel this story could've called out more if you kept that serious tone and worked on sorting out their relationship through ground breaking and honest conversations.
Only after they had gone through the hard part, would this fun be deserved. Right now, it feels like they're avoiding to talk about what really matters. Because why are they riding in this train park in the middle of the night just after Lilliana dropped the tragedy of her life? I think I would've been satisfied if Elizabeth even comforted her once instead of asking her if she's sure if it. But no, we never get to witness that. Only after it, would Lilliana showing Elizabeth her world have made sense. Also, I think they really need to argue it out given the tension they face. The fact that Lilliana hid things from Elizabeth for so long is sure to give rise to some resentment and I don't see it getting out in any way. This story really needed a mature Outlook rather than a 'everything is fine, let's play' plot.
Emery? Don't even get me started. He had so much more potential as a guide to Lilliana or her advocate to Elizabeth if she couldn't come to accept the reality of her lover. For all the personality Elizabeth possesses, I wouldn't be surprised if she took her sweet time to get to terms with it. Instead, he's reduced to a celebrity character who doesn't necessarily add much. You could've used him more wisely, for certain.
You see what I'm taking about? From serious to fun to romantic to realistic again. The mature narration is the anchor of the story and a feeling you often return to. Alas, only if you carried it throughout.
I realise I may have been overly harsh with this one. I want you to know it wasn't my intention at all. I read the chapter with an open heart and couldn't help but criticise the parts I thought could've been done better. On a more positive, I loved Lilliana's vampire origin story and the strain in the couple you depicted right after it. I really wished to see more of it. Also, the narration is wonderful and carries over it's quality from the first chapter so I certainly enjoyed that. I hope this review wasn't all too disappointing. It's all in the little things you see- minor changes and this could be the most shattering work of yours. It's upto you though, if you're finally ready to branch out from your comfort zone of 'horror is fun' theme. How about 'love has it's challenges' for once?
Until next time
Love, Alex
I did not address how Lilliana became a vampire. I will soon. Not very soon, but soon.
Ah alright so we get the context to Lilliana now. Here goes. I want to know what my fav sceptic found out abt the supernatural!
….and woah, what a… what a traumatizing introduction to vampire life ☹ Poor guy, and poor her for not knowing. Again I want to ask if there really is no other way? I mean, I understand the idea that it is just really difficult to stop drinking a human dry once you’ve started so… but there are alternatives. Breaking into bloodbanks and such. I mean?
“Mad?! Why would I be mad? “
Uhm, girl, she just admitted to murder…
Girl. Girl. She didn’t tell you how she became a vampire. Girl, shouldn’t you ask abt this first? Pls??
Would have loved to see this instead of being told in a throwaway sentence: “I had jumped out the attic window in Lilliana’s arms and we both came out unharmed.” Like, how she felt when committing to something so crazy, how Lilliana reassured her etc
I like the ending of the chapter. For once I’m not feeling too anxious for your main character. It seems that Lilliana is genuine and it would be interesting to see them all interact with the old timey ghosts!
I%u2019m glad you like this because what you are seeing right now is an edited version of the story. I wrote this years ago but the plot made no sense so I%u2019m trying to give it more sense and magic.
Thx for reading!
The effort shows! I think this is one of your best works so far!
I made a third one:
The many winding paths of Grasscove, USA: Part Three