Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence and mature content.
*This story is underneath my folder titled “Grasscove, USA”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
I usually don’t have trouble sleeping. But that text I got a few minutes ago has really shaken me up.
I am currently lying in my bed, with the white cotton sheet pulled close to my head. I’m looking out of the window, which I left open a crack to let in the cool summer air. The moonlight is shining through and I can see the buildings in my town, Grasscove, from over here. I’m still holding my cell phone and I’m still looking at the text that my girlfriend, Lilliana, sent me:
“Lilli 🩵
Going 2 train theme park 🚂”
Grasscove is a town that was made during the Wild West era and a lot of the buildings are still here today. There’s a ton of spooky stories that surround this place, eerie events that cannot be explained easily, and there’s a theme park that was built during 1953 but closed in 1986 centered on trains. I don’t know why they made a theme park about trains out of all things or why it’s not completely demolished, but they made the theme park and it’s still there.
I’m not really sure if all the spooky stories about ghosts, witches, and vampires are true for Grasscove, but I think it’s possible for all the stories to be real. I know that there’s something wrong with this town, so I don’t chance anything by going out late at night.
Lilliana is a hardcore skeptic, though. She believes in evidence and logic so much so that she doesn’t think anything happens to us after we die and she keeps trying to find out more “sensible ways” that all the bad things that happened in this town happened. A lot of people in town judge her for it because she’s not superstitious like they are, which is whatever, because they’re missing out on a really cool person anyway, but I still think that she’s wrong in some aspects.
Lilliana also really, really, really likes trains. Especially the old, rusty, and vintage ones at the amusement park. Her eyes will light up every time we go to the amusement park (we go a few times after school and don’t stay too long, as we have homework to do) and she’ll start talking to me all about the history of trains, how different trains work, that kind of thing. All of it comes in one ear and out the other, but seeing her get all excited makes me happy and interrupting Lilliana during such a time would just be plain rude, anyhow.
She kept telling me that she wanted to go to the train theme park at night to get a “better experience” when she had the time, but I never thought that she would actually go through with it! I’m a little worried that something might happen to her, because it does not seem like a good idea for her to be going to an amusement park at night, but maybe I’m being ridiculous.
I mean, it’s not like anything is going to actually happen to her. Nobody in Grasscove goes out at night, so nobody will come for her. Maybe the supernatural stuff is real, but I don’t really know that, so it’s probably not something to be concerned about. Besides, she’s sixteen years old, so she’ll be fine.
But then how did she get out of the house without her parents knowing? Did she leave through her window? That’s probably what happened, but why would she even text me about it? What’s the purpose of that? What am I going to do with that information?
I’m totally overthinking it. Lilliana just wanted to let me know what she was doing because she likes talking to me about trains. It’s literally nothing to get upset about. She’ll come home before she gets in trouble, nothing will happen to her and I’ll get my beauty sleep.
Except I can’t seem to close my eyes and drift off. Lilliana being at the train theme park is still scratching in the corner of my mind, the bed doesn’t feel super comfortable right now and…
Maybe if I just go upstairs to the attic and read a book, I’ll be in the mood to sleep later. I’ve done it before back when I was younger, it might help me now.
I push aside the covers on my bed, my phone in one hand, and make my way out.
………………………………………………………………….
It’s calming and a little bit eerie to be walking around in my house at 1:15 AM (I checked the digital clock on the oven in the kitchen and yes, it’s 1:15 AM). I like how it’s completely silent and how the moonlight is casting a pale, otherworldly glow through the cotton curtains on all of the windows, but I don’t like how I feel like I’m being watched. It’s probably because my parents and my little brother, Kayden, are asleep.
I walk down the hallway until I see the string hanging off the ceiling, then I pull on it and step back so that the stairs don’t hit me. I walk up the steps to the attic, glad that nobody is waking up from the creaking of the stairs as they were pulled down and the stairs as I step on them.
When I make it to the attic, I am welcomed by the taxidermy heads of deers, moose, and rabbits on the walls, shelves of dust-covered books, and a dust-covered purple armchair. Next to the armchair is a brown round side table that has a navy green camping lantern on top of it, also covered in dust. Across from it as a window that has navy blue linen curtains, overlooking Grasscove.
My Mom and Dad have been collecting far-too lifelike taxidermy heads for as long as I can remember. I don’t understand what’s so appealing about them because they were made from murdered animals and looking at them feels like they’re silently crying out for their souls to be saved, so I speed walk past them towards the book shelf, coughing up the particles of dust as I go on. Nobody really cleans this part of the house, so it’s always covered in dust and smells like mildew.
When I get to the bookshelf, I pick the book titled “Grasscove ghost stories” and brush the dust off the cover, the cover being a black and white, crackly and grainy photo of our town back in its prime condition, in the Wild West era, and I go over to the armchair and again, wipe off the dust. I can feel a little bit of the dust in my eyes and in my lungs, but the attic feels more private than any room in the house, so I sit down with the book, putting my phone on the table.
I don’t need to turn on the lamp because the moonlight is enough light for me. I can just read with the light of the moon.
Although the title of this book promises “ghost stories”, it’s not just ghost stories, but every single paranormal story about this town, with different supernatural creatures in them. My Dad got me this book when I was ten years old and when I told him it scared me, he decided to take the book away from me. I know he was trying to help me, but I got really upset that he took it away. I didn’t understand why I was upset, since the book gave me nightmares, but when I went to get Christmas decorations from the attic when I was fourteen and I saw the book on the shelf, I realized that I was mad about it being taken because I felt like he thought I was “too weak” to keep it. Obviously, he doesn’t mean “weak”, just that I “can’t handle it”. All I did was say that I was scared, not that I never wanted to see it again. It may be frightening, but the book on ghost stories is still one of the most interesting books I’ve ever read.
Now, I could tell my parents that I’m no longer scared of the book and that I want it back, but I find that it’s much more fun to sneak into the attic at night and read it in the dark when no one else is awake. It really builds up the atmosphere and it’s safer than going to the old train theme park in the dead of night, LILLIANA!
Ugh, why am I still all unsettled about all of this? Lilliana is literally going to be fine. I’ll just look for my favorite story and read that to pass the time.
Ah! Here it is! “Emery’s aching heart”. This one is my favorite because the boy in this story seemed to love so deeply that it knew no end. This is loosely based on a real-life cowboy and his girlfriend, Katherine. I say loosely because the last parts of the story are thought to be made up, but it’s fun to read and the ending really, really speaks to me:
“Emery Lathom tended to the livestock and sang his melodies, his hands all worn, but his heart still yearned. He knew not what he wanted, but he couldn’t ignore it, for it was screaming in his mind, in his soul, keeping him awake at night.
One day, while riding a horse through his ranch, he saw a girl with her black hair tied in a braid, wearing a purple pinstripe dress, standing by her farm fence, across from his own. She simply watched, her dark-brown eyes sparkling with interest, her lips curled into a smile.
He saw her smile and decided that he’d talk to her for a while. Her name was Katherine Saddiller, she loved to talk to him for hours.
That wasn’t the only day they met, for the two would converse every day, any time and found much in common with one another, so much so that they were friends, then they were more, then one day, Katherine didn’t show.
Emery waited a bit and still, no sign. He rode on his horse to her house and she did not yet appear before his eyes. He rode all throughout town, calling out her name, asking anyone where she could be. No one could answer, for no one knew, until just then, the town clock struck two. His eyes looked up and hanging from one of the clock hands, was his sweetest Katherine.
Bloody and bruised was she, but Emery rode towards the clock to save her dead body from rotting in misery.
He tried to climb up the town clock, but down he fell, his body broken, his head cracked and splattered.
The clock tender came and took her from the clock, but Emery was nowhere to be found, his family was distraught.
So the town buried Katherine, wondering how and why such tragedy occurred, yet if you go out into Grasscove at exactly 2:00 AM, you may see Emery with a bloody mouth, riding on his horse, calling out for his Katherine.”
“That’s a cool story, Elizabeth, but it implies that all of us vampires are lonely, which is just not true, because I have you!” Lilliana’s voice-wait, Lilliana?!
I turn around and see a girl who is my age standing right behind me, reading over my shoulder with wide gray-blue eyes made wider with black eyeliner. Her dark blonde hair is in a half-up ponytail tied by a yellow ribbon. She’s wearing a white tee shirt with ruffle sleeves and a smocked mini yellow floral skirt, for yellow is her favorite color, along with pastel pink and baby blue. There’s two band aids on her right knee, for she shaves too fast, giving herself cuts and leaving thin, faint stubbles of hair on her legs like dainty ribbons tied up with her flesh. She’s wearing white socks underneath black lace-up combat boots, for boots are more comfortable for her.
She is very much Lilliana, but her mouth drips with crimson, velvety blood, staining her skin and her clothes. Her eyes have a spark in them that I’ve never seen before, a spark that makes me feel the same way I do about the Grasscove ghost stories book: fearful and fascinated. I don’t know how she got here so quickly and…wasn’t she just at the train theme park? Why is she covered in blood? What’s going on?
“Keeping secrets is bad, I know, but you’ll understand when I tell you more.” Lilliana says, a prickle of tears in her eyes.
As shocked and confused as I am, I still don’t want her to cry. She always has a realistic perspective on things, so I’m pretty sure she has a sensible explanation for this.
There isn’t anything to be afraid of, because she’s fine.
It’ll be fine.
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Hey there, creeperfeverdreams! Alex is back, with yet another review. It appears that I'm on streak today! Let's get started.
I wase hoping to review the next chapters in the series as they remain in the Green Room. But as I'd have to read this first chapter to understand things anyways, I thought to review it as well.
Let's start with the protagonist- Elizabeth. I'm actually surprised how long I read on about things from her perspective while knowing nothing about her exactly. Her name and the fact that she's a vampire (supposedly?) are revealed so late in the plot, yet it never occurred to me. About her tone or train of thought, it appears so effortless and realistic. I can tell she's usually very expressive from the plenty of italics used, symbolic of voice modulations. Her opinions are so refreshing and experiences so original and personal. You've certainly put a lot of work behind developing her, keep it up.
Next, I'll talk about a unique detail- wierd interests. From Lilliana's passion for trains to her parent's obsession with taxidermy, everyone around our heroine seems engaged in odd interests. I feel this paves the way for quite peculiar characters- something very promising. Elizabeth's commentary on both of them is quite telling as well, allowing the reader to see the world how the main character does.
Personally, I found Elizabeth's and Lilliana's relationship most fascinating. They're clearly in love but not much involved or romantic. Elizabeth respects her partner's love for trains by tolerating her endless talking about them, but doesn't bother to actually listen what she's got to say. She admits she loves Lilliana but doesn't deny how she's wrong at times, even when she's only advocating for logical reasoning. I can't help but think she labels it wrong only because it doesn't overlap with her own judgement of what is right and safe. Even when Lilliana reveals she's going to the train theme park, Elizabeth doesn't seem concerned or worried for her- almost as if she doesn't even care. She doesn't text back inquiring if she's safe or asking her to wait till morning. The thought to follow her doesn't cross her mind even once. Least to say, it doesn't reflect well on her. But it certainly adds a complicated side to her otherwise simple character. Either they're both overly secure in their relationship or their feelings are fading with time. Until now, the signs all point towards the former but it could very well be a misdirection.
Another important detail is their contrast in belief. While Elizabeth plays it safe by staying cautious, Lilliana defies societal warnings with plain logic. It isn't even depicted in a good way, the crevices in their relationship are pretty evident. They may love each other but as people, they're as incompatible as anyone can be.
The moment she goes in the attic felt a little invasive, as if I'm sneaking into someone's private life. The setting is so intimate and the way Elizabeth introduces us to her routine, so vulnerable.
The final scene seemed a little rough around the edges to me. Lilliana suddenly creeps up behind with blood on her mouth just as Elizabeth was reading about a character with a same, looks quite suspicious and unexplainable. How did she even sneak in- through the window Elizabeth left open? A lot is just unanswered at present. I feel the scene building was mediocre here at best.
Contrary to belief, this ruined the mystery further. The text went from serious to funny to sad. I'm not liking this shift, I'm afraid. It sabotaged what the first half of the story worked so hard to build.
Overall, it is a promising start. The protagonist seems interesting with spectacular narration. She's got flawed opinions and a questionable pattern of behaviour, but that just makes her oddly humane. Lilliana ,though, appears better in Elizabeth's descriptions than her actual appearance and dialogues. I'm eager to explore the ominous mystery, even if I think it was a little poorly laid out in the end.
That's all for now, until next time!
Love, Alex
Thx for reading! It is not Elizabeth who is a vampire, but Lilliana. And Lilliana appeared through an open window. I am glad you enjoyed this overall, but I shall work on more with this story.
Thanks for the clarification! I just assumed Elizabeth to be one too for a wild dart, oops. Certainly, I'm quite happy to hear you strive to do more with this series. Very eager to see what you come up with!
Yayy
Oooof the taxidermy attic! Ahhh! Here to write another review for you! Hope you're having a terrific day!
So first a few points of praise...
World Building / Sensory Details - once again you hit the nail on the head with the vivid scene / world building; you really have a lot of practice and skill with this and it shows! I liked the different sensory details especially in the attic that truly gave a sense of foreboding / decaying / and horror. The descriptions were a perfect build-up for drama as I think a lot of people share the narrator's feeling of taxidermy being a bit ... off-putting.
Story within a Story Concept - this story I felt was one of your more complicated ones with there being a sort of "story within a story" that did feel sort of cinematic to me! I think you could hype up some of the parallels between the two stories even more - but I do like how Elizabeth reads about the man with a bloody mouth, and then boom Lilliana appears with her mouth dripping crimson - it's a neat foreshadowing effect that is unexpected and unique as a concept.
Areas To Take a Second Look
There were a few areas to me that I thought your could amp up the drama even a little more...
Teleportation Reveal -
The immediacy of Lilliana appearing in the attic after texting Elizabeth about being at the theme park, to me took a couple seconds to understand - I think adding in a brief foreshadowing that she is going to appear (like a floorboard creaking, or a the wind howling) could add just another moment of anticipation and also help the reader follow along - as it is unexpected!
Watch Pacing during crucial "Plot" Moments -
When a spot in the story is crucially dramatic (a death, a reveal, etc.) it's good to think about not just what's going on in the story at the moment, but what the speaker would be likely to notice given the circumstances.
ie. if I was describing falling off a cliff, while the rocks might have little bugs crawling on them, I probably would not have time to notice those - but would be more honed in to the weather, the wind, the feeling of the ground closing in.
In your story at the moment that Elizabeth realizes in horror that Lilliana has arrived having the multiple long notes about her appearance seems a little misplaced and takes us out of the shock moment too at a crucial place in the story - letting the speaker focus in more on the horror elements (ie the blood! and the eyes!) might be more effective in heightening the horror of the moment while still letting the scene feel "full" and realistic!
It can be difficult to know when to balance description / action - but that was a moment where I felt like the description was maybe a bit off balance. Overall though I think this story does a decent job keeping up with the drama of your narrative while filling out the sensory details for interest and mood.
Thanks for writing! Hope this helped!
~ alliyah
Thx for reading!
I like the beginning of this. I like how you set the scene and immediately show us the problem of your MC :3
RELATABLE!!I like Lilliana’s tenacity. I like that she wants to find out abt the reasons for the supernatural stuff, even if it’s just magic. I just like these inquisitive characters who try to make sense of things 😊 AND she’s a train gal :3 I can so understand the feeling of not understanding anything a person says but being happy that they are happy abt it =D
I feel like you are dragging things out too much in the paragraphs: “She kept telling me that she wanted to go to the train theme park” and “I mean, it’s not like anything is going to actually happen to her.” A few too many questions…
For a sec I thought she would make her way out out into the night to find Lilliana =D
Ah if you don’t mention the brother again in this story, naming him just distracts from the plot.
That is one bright moon O_O “ I can just read with the light of the moon.”
Love the idea of the MC just sneaking up there to read the forbidden book =D
Also love this:
Oh man what … what a depressing story in the book ☹ And It’s interesting that this ghost appears in the afternoon!
OH WHAT WHAT LILLIANA WHAT
Was she always a vampire or did this town turn her into one???
I like this one!