*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Are you afraid of the dark? (Season 1 2019 fanfics)”. The main character is the antagonist of the show and I’ve decided to write stories on why he is the way he is with what little I know from the three episodes in the season (there are only three episodes). Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33”. I hope that you enjoy this!*
Marcus watched, cross-legged on the floor in the study, as Daddy pet the scorpion. Daddy said that they were harmless, that they were sweet. Mommy was trying to get rid of the scorpion, but she was gone because of it. Gone because she tried to get rid of a friend. As Daddy was petting it, Marcus couldn’t help but feel calm, calmer than he did when Mommy took him outside to get rid of the scorpion, calmer than…
Daddy dropped the scorpion on the table, shaking both hands. Marcus noticed that the hand that held the scorpion had a red, ugly bruise. Daddy was breathing hard and heavily…wait, why? Wasn’t it just a sting? Nothing…nothing too bad?
Daddy fell to the floor, breathing heavily still.
“Marcus, I’ve lied to you. I’ve gone on through life with a smile when inside I was dying. I wasn’t truly happy. The last time I was truly happy was when I was a child, when my parents took me to the carnival. I found this coin and treasured it ever since.” Daddy said through his breaths.
He then produced a gold coin from his coat pocket.
“Don’t make the same mistakes I did.” Daddy said, his voice slightly quieter than before, as though it were fading away into nothingness.
With that, he closed his eyes. Not another breath escaped from his lips. The coin clattered to the ground.
Marcus picked up the coin with trembling fingers. Would Daddy want him to keep the coin? Was it the job of Marcus? Daddy’s last wish?
The coin sparkled in his hand. It wasn’t like any coin Marcus had ever seen. It had a scorpion on both sides.
Why did Daddy like scorpions so much? A scorpion killed him. But then, Daddy would have wanted him to protect scorpions, right? Maybe he saw the good in scorpions even though one killed him. Maybe Marcus needed to see the good in scorpions himself.
Tears stung at his eyes and right on the floor of Daddy’s study, Marcus cried.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Okay, had to check out one more of these to figure out more of what's going on.
Mainly because you have plural for two sentences and then comes the singular "the scorpion". It would work better if you had consistency here.Quick thing, this here doesn't really flow well:
Hoo boy I am a bit lost. Was the dad always sick or is he dying bc the scorpion stung him? He feels like a deeply unhappy person
I really feel just how... lost Marcus is right now and just how overwhelmed. Like, what even is that poor child going to handle all this?
The Dad got stung by his own pet scorpion.
Glad you enjoyed!
Greyhound 26 Here
Because of my ADHD scatterbrained ways, I usually write my reviews as I’m reading the passage. So each of my paragraphs usually corresponds with one of the paragraphs in your work. I’ll tell you what I’m thinking, I’ll quote you, and I’ll try to provide some critique. But I’m still learning myself, so without any further ado, let’s get into it.
HAAA, Halo: The Kilo-5 Saga... That line brought it straight to my mind. Doting over a scorpion like it’s a puppy? You don’t really pet a scorpion, at least not in the same way you’d pet a dog. It’s such a strange image, which makes it unsettling in a good way. It immediately makes me curious about the father and his reasoning.
Now, onto the rest of the paragraph. Fun fact about scorpions: the bigger ones aren’t as deadly as the small ones. The reason small scorpions are so dangerous is that they can’t control their venom output. A little size detail here could really help with visualization—was it a baby scorpion? A small, deadly one? Or just an average adult? Typically, an adult scorpion’s sting isn’t lethal to a healthy adult, so if this one was, it makes me wonder if there’s something supernatural or symbolic at play.
Chef’s kiss. I love this description of dying. The phrasing makes it feel slow, quiet, almost like he’s slipping into the void rather than just dropping dead. It’s poetic.
Honestly, I’d like to know the answer to this myself. What’s the deeper meaning behind his fascination? Also, if Marcus is still calling him "Daddy" this much, it makes me wonder—how old is he? Young enough for that, but old enough to fully grasp death? He processes it so quickly, which raises even more questions about his past and experiences. There’s something unsettling about a child processing trauma like this so directly.
Last line is good... core trauma unlocked. The emotional weight lands well here. The way it circles back to the study, to the place where it all happened, makes it feel final. It leaves me wondering what comes next for Marcus. Does he hold onto this moment? Does he cling to the coin, to his father’s memory? Or does this shape him into something entirely different?
Side note, could you comment on the name of the show you're making fanFic for If the writing is as good as yours, maybe I might find a new show to binge watch.
Keep up the good work.
The show is called %u201CAre you afraid of the dark?%u201D But it%u2019s the first season of the 2019 show. The other two seasons are completely different plots with completely different characters.
What I%u2019m writing now is the origin of the antagonist of the first season. I will work on making stories for all the characters in the first season, since I unfortunately was not able to watch the other two seasons (unavailable to me).
But here are the other fanfics that connect to this:
Scorpions, scorpions
Go and play, Marcus
The death of Marjorie Cochran