*This fanfic is based off the Season One 2019 show “Are you afraid of the dark?”. It’s a Nickelodeon show, but I think that you can watch it on other streaming services. I’m not sure though. The main character of this story is the main villain of the first season. Since this show is a miniseries and only has three episodes, there’s not much lore for the villain. There’s a little bit of lore revealed in the third episode, but not that much. So I’m taking what little I know and making it into a bigger story, putting my own spin on it. This is underneath my folder titled “Are you afraid of the dark? (Season 1 2019 fanfics)”. Gacha Club character designs are in my forum titled “My character designs<33”. I hope that you enjoy!*
Marcus ran throughout the hall, dirt on his overalls and a smile on his face. He was free to roam, free to play.
Marcus stopped in front of the open door, to his Daddy’s study. He was not supposed to go in there, but it just looked so interesting.
Maybe a little peek wouldn’t be so bad…
Marcus peeked inside of the study. Daddy was sitting on leather armchair, holding a strange bug to a…a…a magnifying glass, Daddy called it. The bug was black and had a pointed, curved tail.
Daddy looked up and smiled at Marcus.
Wait, he was smiling?! But Marcus was never allowed in his study! Why was Daddy smiling?!
“Come in!” Daddy said, gesturing at Marcus to come in.
What if Daddy’s smile wasn’t a happy smile, but a “you’re getting a punishment” smile? What if…
“Am I in trouble?”
“No, no!” Daddy said, laughing.
“Come in, get a closer look!”
Marcus scrambled inside, wondering why Daddy wanted him to come in.
……………………………………………………
When Marcus was inside, Daddy lowered his hand to Marcus’ face, so he could see the bug.
“What…is it?” Marcus asked. He had never seen a single bug like it. Ever.
“It’s a scorpion. A friend gave it to me, from a trip. Want to hold it?” Daddy asked.
“Sure!” Marcus said, eyes wide.
He opened his right palm and let Daddy drop the scorpion on it. The scorpion was peculiar, how it crawled with many legs. But it was also very cute. It looked up at him with small black eyes, like a puppy.
“Don’t make them upset or else they’ll pinch you with their stinger. The stinger is the pointy thing at the end of their tail. It’s poisonous, you know. That means they could kill you with their sting.”
“I don’t want it.” Marcus said, handing the scorpion to Daddy. He didn’t want to die from a scorpion sting.
“It won’t sting you. You haven’t made it upset.” Daddy said.
“Just hold it a little longer. Please? For me?”
Marcus nodded, a little frightened, but he wouldn’t disobey Daddy.
The scorpion scuttled in his muddy hand…looked up at him…scuttled…
“What are you doing?!” Mommy screamed.
Marcus dropped the scorpion, heart racing in between his rib cage. Daddy scooped up the scorpion from the ground.
“Damn it, Marjorie! He was fine.” Daddy yelled.
Marcus looked up to see Mommy standing by the doorway, holding a broom. She must have been cleaning when he saw them.
“Fine? Fine? He was holding a scorpion! Those nasty creatures have stingers, you know!”
“He was curious! I wanted to show him!”
“He’s only three!”
“He was perfectly alright!”
“Don’t let him go near your scorpion ever again!”
“I’ll ask him that.”
Daddy looked at Marcus, fingers tapping on one of his right leg. Mommy stood by the doorway, arms crossed, broom propped against the wall.
Marcus had his fist in his mouth (not the one that held the scorpion) thinking about what he thought of the animal.
The bug was scary and creepy, but…it was so new. So different. He wanted to look at it again and again, learn more about it, find out its truths.
Marcus took his fist out of his mouth and smiled.
“I like it! I like the bug!” Marcus said.
“No, no you don’t. Go play with Bart, he’s waiting for you.”
“But Mommy-“
“Please go.”
“Marjorie, he said that he was fi-“
“You made him say it, Ben! I know you did!”
Marcus ran away until he was out the front door and into the front lawn, to where Bart was waiting. Why, why, oh why was it such a big fuss with them? Marcus was touching a scorpion. Nothing bad happened to him. He was fine.
Why did they have to fight?
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,022 Literary Works • 672,758 Reviews
Greyhound 26
Because of my ADHD scatterbrained ways, I usually write my reviews as I’m reading the passage. So each of my paragraphs usually corresponds with one of the paragraphs in your work. I’ll tell you what I’m thinking, I’ll quote you, and I’ll try to provide some critique. But I’m still learning myself, so without any further ado, let’s get into it.
Terrific use of show, not tell right here. You’re inspiring a connection to something I talked about in a comment I did earlier for you. Here’s the actual quote from that book:
"He suspected that Parangosky had been the kind of little girl who kept pet scorpions and doted on them the way other children cooed over puppies."
—Halo: Glasslands, Page 14
Oh, bringing up old childhood trauma. Thank you very much. Is it bad that I know exactly what smile that little dude is talking about? Core trauma unlocked. Bad memories.
Cough cough. What a chirk. (I’m using politically correct talking points here, but the expletive I want to use starts with an F and ends with -king. And the other word I really want to use starts with an A and ends with -hole.) Definitely giving some childhood trauma to this poor kid.
Dude’s only three, and he’s already so curious about the world. Getting some Dexter’s Laboratory vibes now.
I asked that question too when my parents got divorced.
"All in all, I like your fan fiction. I’ll definitely get to the last one here in a little bit, after I post some of my own work again."
Okay! ^v^
I make original stories too, as well as fan fiction like what you just reviewed.
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression
Well this was not as much scorpion horror as I was anticipating it might be but it certainly was quite an interesting opening there to this family and how this little scorpion is causing a few arguments there.
Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;
Well that seems an innocent enough not to start off on but it does appear that we are running right into the scorpions from the title right away here. Let's see what's going to come of that.
Well that seems to be innocent enough yet again, just not wanting to be punished and ultimately it seems the father is in quite a good mood and nothing bad is about to go down just yet.
Hmm well I have to say that is the first time I have seen a scorpion be referred to as cute there. Definitely making things very interesting to have a situation like that going down here. We'll see what goes on from here.
Well that is definitely why we generally avoid touching him. Quite an understandable amount of fear there to not want to hold something that dangerous. This is getting just a little bit alarming now.
Well the mother definitely has the right idea on that one. No matter how safe it might be to not upset a scorpion, generally not holding them in the first place is great advice.
Well looks like Marcus here is definitely much too young to be getting exposed to quite that much danger there. Very justified on the mom part there although I think the father is so far showing no ill will here.
Well looks like Marcus is still interested in the scorpion despite being a little scared and worried about what the bug can do. This is going to end up being quite the situation.
Well looks like that ends in a bit of family drama there. At least it looks like the child was safe in the end and no harm came of that whole situation so its more of a win in that situation.
Aaand that's it for this oneee!!!
Overall
Overall I think you've done a great job putting that together here. Really brings to life the dynamic of this family, everyone's thoughts on that scorpion and ultimately the state it leaves the poor family in.
As always remember to: Take what you think was helpful and forget the rest!
Kate
Hey, Kaerae here for a quick review~~
First of all, this little story reminded me of a friend a knew a few years ago that was an animal lover. He would have random facts about every animal you could think of. It was kind of cute and funny, but he also had a pet scorpion. He had trained it somehow, but if he didn't want someone in the house anymore, he would open the cage and let it run. Haha they would be out of the door in a few seconds... Anyway, just a personal anecdote that kinda related to the story. Lets jump into it~
The setting that you have going on is sort of mysterious with a hint of unease. I've been in Marcus's shoes, wondering if I am in trouble, especially with strict parents. You set up the tense setting quite well. Marcus seems quite innocent yet, and although we don't know how old he is, I am guessing 5-10. He seems childish with that curiosity. If this had turned out different, I would be screaming "Don't go innnnn! Curiosity kills the child" haha.
We get to see a little bit of the dads personality here... He makes me so nervous. He didn't bother to mention to Marcus about the stinger before he held it. Even that in itself shows what kind of a person he is. He doesn't have any fear of losing his child. And even the peer pressure he puts of Marcus when he wants to stop holding it. Like "No. You're going to do as I said. Or else" I mean he didn't put it that way, but we all understand that his dad knows Marcus won't drop it because he looks up to his father. Ugh. Makes me so mad.
I am on the side of the mother here. Even though it is okay to let kids go explore, it was dangerous. The bickering between the two parents leaves me to guess that this isn't the first time something like this has happened. I like the way you wrote the dialogue here though... the argument between to two is so realistic. I can hear it happening in my head with my mother and my younger brothers.
Aww, I have a feeling that he took his dad's side here because of how much he looks up to him. Which, in another scenario would be kinda cute to see a father son relationship, but in this case, it just makes me really mad. I get that he is so bummed about his parents fighting so much. I can also relate to that feeling, but I have a sneaky suspicion that the parents will end up getting divorced later on.
Overall, great setup, great plot, and great dialogue! I love where this is headed so far.
Keep it up,
Kaerae
Glad you enjoyed it!