The birth of Callie and Ansel Cochran

Instead of creating drama around the moment, the writer allows the happiness to convey the message, which is why I think it works well. There are many times where a moment that initially seems like nothing ends up becoming heart-breaking once the reader knows what will happen to the characters in the end.

What I particularly liked about this chapter is Marcus' declaration that he would not give his children the life he got. It is an extremely simple sentence but it already conveys to me what kind of father he will be. In this case, no backstory is needed – it is evident that Marcus' past was not pleasant and that is why I want him to succeed almost immediately.

His children would have a future. A glittering, beautiful, future.

That was the most favorite line in this chapter. It conveys hope and as happiness tends to be emphasized just before it is challenged in a story, it evoked two emotions from me – the feeling that I am glad that Marcus is going to be happy but also some concern for him. Very nice emotional balance.

The part mentioning carnival caught my eye. I appreciate the fact that you do not explain it too much – you simply incorporate it into Marcus' dream to make other people happy. The only thing that I would suggest adding is one more interaction between Marcus and his children, for example, his child taking his finger or just looking at them fondly.

Hi creeperfeverdreams,

Admittedly I don't know the show that this is a fanfic of – but I'll still do my best to give some helpful feedback about other aspects of your writing!

I'm curious if this is meant to be a complete, standalone piece of writing. The work's genre is listed as short story, which makes me you did intend it to be standalone. The way that it's written, however (especially its length), makes it read more like the prologue or introduction to a longer piece of writing. Not necessarily a bad thing, but something to consider! If you want this work to be read by itself, you may want to consider building out a slightly longer story to create a more immersive reader experience.

Marcus held the boy, Ruth held the girl

I don't usually comment on grammar, but since this is such a short piece, I think it's important for every sentence to be thoughtful and polished. A couple of spots like the one above are not technically grammatical sentences. In this case, you have two independent clauses ("Marcus held the boy" and "Ruth held the girl"), so it doesn't work to separate them by a comma. You could use a semicolon, add a connector word like "and" or "while", or split them into two separate sentences. Purdue Owl has a useful overview of independent vs dependent clauses here (you might find the section on comma splices especially relevant).

People would come and go, a frown when they walked in, a grin when they walked out, hearts lighter, easier

^ This sentence also strikes me as a bit awkward and comma-heavy. I would suggest splitting it up, something like this:

People would come and go – a frown when they walked in and a grin when they left. They left with lighter, easier hearts.

A stylistic choice that stands out to me is your use of italicization. I love some good italics for emphasis! I thought the use of italics for the word "future" was particularly impactful. However, for such a short piece of writing, you do want to be careful about going overboard on italics – using them too many times can make them lose their effect on the reader. I would suggest just choosing one or two spots where you think they're especially necessary and eliminate the rest of the italics.

One thing I think you did a good job with is the dialogue. Although it's a very brief, simple interaction, the dialogue feels natural and flows smoothly. I can imagine two people having this exact interaction!

His carnival was coming along nicely. It needed work, but it wasn’t too bad. When it was all done, everyone would be filled with joy. People would come and go, a frown when they walked in, a grin when they walked out, hearts lighter, easier.

It would be interesting to build out this back story a bit further! Even if the reader already knows about this from the original show – how can you connect it to the present moment? Why does it matter, in the context of two new babies? Is it about the profit and financial stability the carnival provides? The paragraph immediately after seems to indicate it might be about that, but I think you could dive into that a bit further.

I'm also curious why/how Marcus is the antagonist in the show, since in this brief story there doesn't seem to be anything antagonistic about him. Maybe that's another element you could consider elaborating on, especially if you're interested in making this into a longer story.

Overall, this was a fun and easy read! I hope that some of my feedback is helpful for you. Let me know if you have any questions about my review.

Best,
~Hijinks

Hello!

"What would you like to call them?" He asked.

"They’re perfect." Marcus said.

The dialogue tags should use lower-case letters here because they’re part of the same sentence as the dialogue: "he asked" and "Marcus said."

There are also quite a few short sentences throughout the opening, which gives it a stiff rhythm. I think you could combine some of them and add a little more physical description of the babies or the hospital room. At the moment, the twins are described as sleeping sweetly, but there is little to make the scene feel warmer and more immediate. How else can you describe them? I think there are a lot of ways to describe something like that.

***

I like this! I love that the carnival is connected to his idea of making people happy rather than simply earning money because it makes his ambitions feel sincere. There’s also something ominous in how strongly he insists that everything will be perfect, particularly since I already feel that his plans won’t work out as he expects.

The transition from the hospital room to his thoughts about the carnival is quite sudden, though. I think you could connect the two ideas more smoothly by having something in the room prompt him to think about the future, perhaps looking at the twins and imagining them running through the finished carnival one day. That would make the carnival feel tied directly to his love for them rather than like a separate piece of information placed into the scene. I think that is especially true considering how short this is.

Cheers! Thanks for sharing!

Lipton