*This fanfic is underneath my folder titled “Are you afraid of the dark? (Season 1 2019 fanfics)”. I’m gonna post another fanfic after this and then I’ll get to my original stuff, I promise. Gacha Club character designs are underneath my forum titled “My character designs<33”. Enjoy!*
Marcus held onto Mommy’s hand as they walked through the forest, searching for a place to put the scorpion. For three years, Mommy was fine with having the scorpion around.
But in the summer of 1915, she had enough of it.
Mommy was going to put the scorpion in the forest, so it could live there. Daddy said no, that he wanted to keep it, but she wouldn’t change her mind.
Marcus asked if he could come with her, to make sure that the scorpion would be safe.
So they were in the forest together, Mommy holding his hand, tree branches clawing towards them.
“I’ve found a place! Stay right here, Marcus.”
“Mom-“
Mommy let go of his hand, taking the jar containing the scorpion with her.
Marcus stood still, watching her run off until she was a few feet away from him, kneeling on the ground.
She opened the lid and took out the scorpion…
A big, black bear stood on its hind legs, watching from the bushes.
Marcus bit his bottom lip, keeping down his scream. Daddy said not to scream when a bear was around. One had to be completely still and wait for it to leave.
Mommy got up from the ground…and…and…
Mommy screamed, a sound that pierced throughout the forest.
“Don’t run!” Marcus yelled, forgetting about being quiet. If Mommy ran, the bear would catch up to her. She had to be still and then it would leave. That was what Daddy said.
Mommy ran, ran as fast as she could.
The bear followed close behind, pounding the ground, dirt raking from its paws.
Marcus watched, chest heaving up and down. He wanted to run, he wanted to go home, but he couldn’t leave Mommy, couldn’t leave her with the bear…
The bear slashed its claws through her.
Mommy fell to the ground, in front of Marcus, blood seeping from her head to her dress.
The bear walked away.
Marcus bent down, looking at her wide, horrified eyes. He knew what happened, but he didn’t want to think of it…didn’t want it to be true…didn’t…
But it was.
Mommy was dead.
……………………………………………………..
Marcus held in his tears and walked through the forest, carrying the scorpion in his hands. He found it scuttling around and he couldn’t just leave it. Not when there were more dangerous animals hiding.
After a while, he finally found himself standing in front of a small wooden house.
His house.
Marcus walked up to his house, careful not to drop the scorpion.
……………………………………………………..
“Hello, Marcus!” Daddy said. He was sitting on the couch, holding a closed book in his hand.
Marcus set the scorpion on the ground, not a word escaping from his lips. He watched as the scorpion crawled to Daddy, who picked it up and placed it on the coffee table.
He would not cry He would not cry He would not cry He would not cry He would not cry He would not cry
Already, the tears spewed out of him, the thought of Mommy just…just lying there…there was so much blood…too much blood…
“What’s wrong? Where’s Mommy?”
His voice sounded so faraway…
“She…she…s-s-she….she’s dead!”
All the tears that wanted to come out finally took over. Everything around Marcus was a blur…he couldn’t feel the ground…
……………………………………………………..
“Marcus?! Marcus?!” Daddy asked.
Marcus woke up in Daddy’s arms. For a moment, he wondered why he was in Daddy’s arms.
But then he remembered falling from thinking about…about it.
Marcus felt the tears come down, a waterfall waiting to crash. He was going to…to…
“Marcus, I know that this must be difficult, but you have to tell me what happened. So I can know.”
“I…I have to?” Marcus asked feebly. He didn’t want it in his mind, he didn’t want to ever see anything like that again.
“Yes, you do.”
Marcus took deep, gulping breaths, sucking in the sobs, choking on his sadness, until he felt okay enough to talk.
“A bear killed Mommy.”
There. He said it and he didn’t want to say it again.
Daddy didn’t say a word. He just held Marcus close, stroking his hair.
“Wait! What about the scorpion?” Marcus asked. He didn’t want the scorpion to die too.
“The scorpion is fine. I’ll get to it later. For now, let’s just sit.”
“O…okay.”
That was alright. Marcus didn’t feel like getting up just yet, anyway.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi vampricone! Leaving you one last notification before I head to bed. I will be using the YWS'mores method to help structure my review.
so is this in relation to another story?
The Top Graham Cracker: Ooo okay, I do enjoy a good short story, just because I like to know everything all at once! No waiting needed! So let's see.. reading a few lines in just to get an idea of what's going on and I see we're talking about a scorpion?? But the title says someone died, and I wonder if they will see exactly who Marjorie Cochran is, here in this forest... whatever happened to just dumping unwanted pets on the side of the road? LOOOOL I crack myself up sometimes. <_<
The Slightly Burnt Marshmallow: Hmmm, so I believe this is in relation to another fanfic you have written? Judging by the way the story ended. I was on my toes the entire time just waiting for you to start the spookiness, but there wasn't any! That's not the vampricone I know!
I do think that the random bear attack did seem a little... unrealistic. Of course, if this is set in a Creepypasta-esque world then it's hardly ever realistic, but still. I just don't see how the mother didn't notice a bear nearby? To be fair, I've never encountered a bear in real life (thank god) so maybe it could happen. Just pointing out that I did find it a little jarring. Maybe something to consider if you ever want to rework or redo this fanfic.
Anyways, no grammar nitpicks from me!
The Melty Chocolate Bar I'm honestly surprised. A little part of me was expecting the father to have been the bear all along, and he killed the mother for trying to get rid of the scorpion! I was also expecting the scorpion to play a bigger role in this story. You really got me with this one, I was reading eagerly to figure out these answers lol besides the confusion, though, I did enjoy this! It was interesting to read from the perspective of little Marcus.
My favorite lines were these:
The Bottom Graham Cracker: Overall, I enjoyed this! Despite the bit of confusion at the end, wondering what would happen next. Is there more to this story? If so, let me know and I'll check it out! I am curious to see what'll happen to this scorpion.
I hope this review was a bit helpful.
~Iggy
This was the first fic:
Scorpions, scorpions
This comes after that fic:
Go and play, Marcus
This fic comes after the one you just read:
The death of Benjamin Cochran
I%u2019m glad you enjoyed this! More is to come soon!
Me again!
I like how you haven't said 'his', it makes it really clear that this is from his perspective, and how we're going to have bias/limitations viewing the story from the perspective of a young child
He's very quick to accept this which doesn't feel in keeping with his age for me. I was likening it in my head to Simba/Mufasa and how Simba doesn't believe his father has died until Scar tells him.
The attachment at the end didn't work for me either, just wanted to let you know in case it was an important picture!
Hope this was helpful
Icy
Either I put an image in there and forgot or it was there accidentally, but I didn%u2019t intend for an image to be there.
Thanks for reading!
Wonderful! I enjoyed reading this! I'm usually not big on fanfics, but this was a delightful read! Your storytelling was great! This actually made me sad reading it through, knowing the boy was no older than eight.
Wonderful overall!
~VM2024
I%u2019m so very glad that you enjoyed. :>