*This story is underneath my folder titled “Adventures of Poppy and others”. Gacha Club character designs are under my forum titled “My character designs<33[2]”. Enjoy!*
Jessica McLain put her flip phone on vibrate as she watched the history teacher speak. All of his words were fuzzy to her ears, but she wanted to at least look like she was paying attention so that he wouldn’t bother her.
She knew that Levi was texting her about Poppy. She had already told her boyfriend about what happened to her little sister earlier that morning through a text message and he kept checking up on her, asking every five minutes or so if she was okay.
But Jessica didn’t know what to respond, because she didn’t know exactly what had happened to Poppy. Mom woke up and said good morning to Jessica like she did every day, then when Mom went into Poppy’s room, she heard Mom cry out “Alejandro, come here NOW!” and then Dad came downstairs into the room.
Jessica and her younger brother, Ash, being curious and concerned, went into Poppy’s room and found that she wasn’t there at all. Poppy didn’t take her flip phone with her, only her pink glittery pager, which she wouldn’t be able to answer. Dad had said that when he would go to his job at the police station, he would set up a search party to look for her.
Mom said she would still try to call her and hope that there was a pay phone nearby for Poppy to answer. Jessica and Ash didn’t talk about it with each other at all.
But how would Jessica be okay if she didn’t know how Poppy was? How would she be okay when she felt something tugging at her throat, something that felt wrong and twisted, as though it wanted her to open her mouth and say something devastating, something that would hurt anyone who heard it.
Jessica didn’t understand what was going on and why, but she hoped that she would soon.
Most of all, she wanted Poppy home safely. For Jessica’s heart ached at the thought that her little sister could be out there. Hurt. Suffering. All by herself.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,742 Reviews
Hey Vamp!
Nadya here with a review for this story. It's been a while since I've written a review, so I’m a little rusty. XD
First things first, I read a couple of your other stories from the “Adventures of Poppy McLain” series to gain more context before reading and reviewing this one. I have to say, you've created interesting backstories and POV’s for all your characters. Great job!
If I understand correctly, Jessica is Poppy’s nineteen-year-old older sister. She lives with her family, and she has a boyfriend named Levi. Jessica is extremely worried about her sister’s well-being and safety because Poppy is nowhere to be found. This affects Jessica’s academic performance (for she can’t focus in class) and personal life (she seems anxious and scared, wishing there was something she could do to help her sister). Nice work with the descriptions there!
Also, Jessica seems to know something happened to Poppy, but what exactly? (That's probably something only she knows.) The suspense is well-done, it keeps the reader guessing. (From reading the other chapters, I’m guessing it’s the fact that Poppy is now a vampire. But how did Jessica figure it out?)
Suggestions
The following are just my thoughts, so feel free to ignore anything you don't agree with. XD
Here, I would suggest introducing the dad's job differently. It kind of feels like an info dump on the reader now. I know it’s only one sentence, but I think your paragraph would flow better if you showed it instead of telling it.
- - -
As I said before, it's a killer ending! My only critique is that there are four commas in this sentence. ^^ I would suggest splitting this sentence into two or more for better readability.
It would also be cool if you went: Most of all, she wanted Poppy home safely. For Jessica’s heart aches at the thought that her little sister could be out there. Hurt. Suffering. All by herself.
Or
Most of all, Jessica wanted Poppy to come home safely. Her heart aches at the thought of her little sister being out there alone and hurt. Hurt. Suffering all by herself. Suffering
- - -
Lastly, I’m not sure if you already have one, but I’d suggest writing a chapter from Levi's perspective. He’s not directly connected to the main story, but it would be interesting to see an outsider's perspective on the McLain family. For they are a very peculiar family.
In the end, I think this is a nice addition to the series of “Poppy McLain”, a fresh perspective.
happy writing!
-Nadya
Thx for reading!
Idk if you were interested in knowing but the mother%u2019s name is Olivia.
Yess, I read in here: The adventures of Poppy McLain-One
Cool ^v^
Hm fitting that you are my 200th review 😊
That said, this doesn’t really feel like a short story and more like a snippet from a chapter of a novel.
It lacks a central focus. Poppy has already disappeared, so that is out. So this is just the fallout from that happening and… it doesn’t really feel all that interesting? Nothing is actually DONE about it. I wish there was something more to this, to this specific piece.
There are some really nice phrasings in there tho 😊