*These chapters are underneath my folder titled “Bone Boy”. Gacha Club character designs are under this forum: https://www.youngwriterssociety.com/viewtopic.php?f=27&t=116005&start=1455. Enjoy!*
Chapter Five-It’s not like anyone wants to play
“Really? I feel like it’d be pretty boring.” Shirley said, looking at her phone. The movie had finished, so everyone was either on their phones or looking at something else.
Rosemary was sitting on the floor, looking at the blue-tinted window, trying her best to pretend that Valentina wasn’t there, that everyone still liked the cartoon princess movie, that everything was still the same.
“I don’t think so. I think we might see ghosts. Unless you had other plans, Julieta?” Valentina asked.
Rosemary hoped that she would say no to going into the abandoned carnival. Maybe they could all make cupcakes together. Yes, with pink frosting and rainbow sprinkles. Rosemary still liked making cupcakes. She and all of her friends could make them together. If Valentina didn’t like it, then she could leave. It’d be all the better if she did. She wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place.
“I mean, I wasn’t really thinking of going to the abandoned carnival, but why not? There’s nothing else I really wanted to do anyway. Come on, let’s-“
“Nothing else? Really? What about cupcakes? We could make cupcakes together! Or we could do crafts. I brought crafts with me. They’re in my bag. I could go get it and-“
“Rosemary. I don’t want to make cupcakes or crafts right now. I think we’ll all go to the carnival. You don’t have to come if you don’t want to.” Julieta said.
Just like that, everyone was getting up and ready to go with Valentina’s idea, as if Rosemary's opinion didn’t matter. Well, maybe Rosemary was being a bit dramatic. But she didn’t like how nobody protested, how everyone wanted to leave, how Julieta had dismissed her. Maybe she didn’t mean that. Maybe it was just Julieta’s tone. Maybe Rosemary was taking it way out of proportion.
After all, Julieta said she didn’t have to come. She could just sit on the carpet and look out the window. She could wait for the tree branches to tap on the glass.
She could be alone in Julieta’s house if she wanted.
Chapter Six-It twists and turns
Rosemary had joined her friends and Valentina on their trip to the carnival, because she did not want to be left alone.
She was walking close behind, following the sounds of their rising and falling voices. They were talking about something that she didn’t understand, something that she wasn’t included in. What was it that made her so hard to talk to? Did Rosemary need to do something to connect with them the way she was supposed to?
It did not matter, because she was with them in the carnival. She was connecting with them. She wasn’t doing something else.
The rides creaked with rusted joints and cracked with peeling paint. Ripped up tents flapped a little in the faint wind and the sour scent of rotten cotton candy lingered in the air.
“Do you think people were murdered here? It feels like that.” Allan’s voice said.
“Murdered? No. Not every haunted carnival has a murder. That’s thinking too inside the box.” Valentina chimed.
Allan wrapped an arm around Valentina and kissed the top of her head.
“You’re right! It could be something else. Something far more sinister that we don’t realize, more grotesque than we can imagine!” Allan laughed.
Valentina and some of the others laughed with him. Rosemary did not. What was so funny joking about what could have happened? It wasn’t right. Nothing felt right.
And why were they all walking so fast? How fast did they want Rosemary to go? Did they want her to run? Did-
The ground rushed to her face as she tripped over some kind of rock. She was able to plant her hands on the ground just in time before she got any scars, but when she sat up, nobody else was there. It was completely dark, save for one bright white hanging lamp over Harper’s head. Harper was there. She wasn’t alone. But where were the others?
“What happened? Where are we?” Harper asked, eyebrows furrowed in concern, extending a hand out for Rosemary.
“I was just about to ask the same thing.” Rosemary replied, accepting her hand.
It had happened in a blink, too fast for her to comprehend, but at least she was not alone.
Nothing bad had happened yet. Maybe they just strayed too far. They just had to join the others.
It was fine.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
141,247 Literary Works • 674,329 Reviews
Here are the other chapters:
🩷🎪💄The spiraling polka-dotted path of a clown: Chapters 1-2 🩷🎪💄
🩷🎪💄 The spiraling polka-dotted path of a clown: Chapters 3-4 💄🎪🩷
Here, I saw a grammatical error you've made a few times. I thought maybe I should actually explain rather than just point it out. The issue is the period after the quote when there's a dialogue tag following it. So if you're going to say 'she said' directly after some speech, you would punctuate the end of the speech with a comma, because grammatically the quote and the tag are one sentence. So it would be: “Really? I feel like it’d be pretty boring,” Shirley said, looking at her phone. I hope that makes sense! I know it's a tiny error, but it's always good to learn.
YES this sounds much much better than going to an abandoned carnival. Rosemary is extremely right here XD
I think some dialogue tags are needed here, maybe between some of the questions, to break up the speech, let us know who is speaking and also add some action into the dialogue-heavy moment!
This was a really nice paragraph. Just a little longer and it's perfect! YOu've got description, action, the rhetorical question; all great at setting the tension!
Can't wait to read what is next!
Oh that is so sad: “The movie had finished, so everyone was either on their phones or looking at something else.“ that they cant find a way to engage with each other…
At least going to the evil haunted carnival is a group activity where hopefully they do get to do stuff together ^^°
I find Rosemary’s irrational dislike of Valentina very fascinating. Is it really just bc she is something new and change is scary, or the fact that her friends didn’t tell her abt her for so long… Or is this part of the “I feel nothing when I watch my old favourites and I hate that”, curious!
And ofc she goes with them. Perfect chapter transition XD
And these kids do be tempting fate, huh?
I really like how you describe Rosemary tripping and her reaction.
And also… oh I do not like where this is going, why did the others seemingly vanish?
Join the fight! Write more reviews!
Well, I think that it%u2019s both for why she doesn%u2019t like Valentina. I%u2019ll expand more on it. :>
Oooh! This is a nice story, if I dont forget I will defintely come back to this and read everything previously. Also gacha club? Pretty rare ngl, keep going gurl/boi! i don't see any issues with this series so far, so good work.
I am curious about what happened though, thank you for writing this
come back and read then XD