I jumped up in surprise, scared at what could have caused that. I froze like a deer in headlights and stared at the door to my room. I slowly made my way towards the bathroom, my eyes never leaving the door. Another boom filled the house and this time, when I jumped in surprise, my leg collided with the sharp tip of the cabinet that my lamps on. The lamp crashed to the floor, the light going out. I scrambled towards the bathroom as fast as I could. Somehow, I had ended up on the floor and crawling for my life. I was deathly afraid of the dark... mostly because I had that unrealistic image that a grudge-like creature would pop out and eat me or something. Luckily, there was a small window in the bathroom that let the moons light in. I looked up and stared at it, feeling something inside me. A deep rumbling lifted from inside of my throat, forming into a howl. OH MY GOD. What was that?! Did I just really do that?! I backed up to a wall, scared out of my mind now. Those stories about werewolves must be getting to me! Suddenly, I lurched forward. Pain overwhelmed me and I felt like all my bones were bursting in a fire. I screamed out in agony, it was worse than anything I’d ever felt before! Sickening crunches filled my ear, coming from my bones. I cried out, screamed like I was dying, whimpered, and moaned. Tears streamed from my eyes and no thought that came into my head was clear. All that I knew at the moment was pure pain...
I didn’t know what was happening to me but I wanted it to stop... no, I needed it to stop. I wouldn’t be able to take any more of this! Another wave of pain hit me; it was so unbearable that i couldn’t even make a sound. The blood rushed to my face and my arm twisted into an inhuman form. I wanted to scream, have someone make it stop, but no one came. My vision started becoming blurry with tears and I lay on the cold ground of the bathroom. It seemed like years that this went on, my body deforming into various shapes. My skin felt like it was bursting into flames, that needles were breaking through it. As I looked down at my arms, i saw beautiful silver fur sprouting from my skin. I started sobbing but my cry’s morphed into the whimpers and whines that of an animal. The pain slowly reduced until it was nothing. I lay motionless on the linoleum of the bathroom floor, panting like there was no tomorrow. I hadn't realized my eyes were closed until I opened them... what I saw was amazing.
I could see every detail of... well, everything! I took in a sharp breath and could smell everything- from dust particles to the shreds of clothes... my clothes! I could see a long snout on my face that ended with a black nose. I turned my head towards the direction of the mirror and froze. There was a gigantic wolf staring back at me, its golden eyes showing insecurity and absolute fear. Its pelt was an amazing silvery color like the moon. Its tail swished around through the air gracefully and landed down by the wolf’s long legs. How could I..? What am I...? HOLY CRAP. WHY THE H*LL AM I A F***ING WOLF?! HOLY S**T!!!!! Mentally, I screamed every cuss word I knew, I even made a few up. After a while of that and I got the concept that I was this incredibly gigantic wolf, I started to try to find a way out. It kind of sucks that I’m even clumsier as a wolf than a human!
My big paws flopped around under me and I crashed into random things, such as the shower door. I broke a couple objects but successfully turned my body towards the door. As a wolf, this bathroom made me feel incredibly claustrophobic... I debated over some things but decided to follow this motto which i so cleverly added a Russian accent to it whenever i said it mentally, “No think, Only do!”
I snapped back to reality and everything really hit me- i was a werewolf! This was like a dream to me, to become a werewolf... I always loved wolves and wished I could run with them but now, that I really can, I’m not sure what to think! Finally, I rushed at the door at full speed. It broke open like it was a piece of Styrofoam which left me flying to collide with the wall. I smashed into it, dazed for a second then shook my head- I’d probably have a huge head ache from that later on! I could see everything perfectly well as if it were daylight. Then I thought of other possibilities- Am I dead? Am I dreaming? Is this a one time thing? Will I be able to turn into a wolf whenever I want or is it just like the myths that I can on full moons...? Then i remembered that journal i was reading by Dansi Falcons, Am i a purebred werewolf or a mutt?! Maybe a wolf secretly bit me in my sleep... Or, hm.. I’m not really sure. I paced around the room, thinking hard about the unanswered questions. Finally, I crashed through the door to my room, a little more graceful this time but I still managed smashing my head into the other wall. I have a massive head!
I caught the smell of the forest and it lured me forward. I ended up crashing through a window, luckily that didn’t hurt too much. If I had been my normal self, then that would be a completely different story... I stormed away from the house and into the woods, and then regretted doing so- I had left my bag in there! The thoughts slipped my mind as the craving for meat suddenly hit me. That's weird, in all my life I’d never been a fan of meat unlike my friend Kristy. She had absolutely loved it! She used to always make fun of me, saying that I need some meat on my bones or I wouldn’t get a boyfriend... Not that I had really wanted one anyway. I ran (clumsily) through the forest. It was the best thing I'd ever experienced in my life!
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125,013 Literary Works • 672,842 Reviews
Okay, this was seriously awesome. So awesome for so many reasons. I think I want to go read it again. It was just...so awesome.
)
(Hello, by the way! I'm Rach
One reason I loved this is the sheer vividness of it. Goodness gracious, this thing has imagination in it, and it was so clear. You got every detail, and you presented them in a way that was so easy for me to imagine. You took me full through her transformation into a wolf, and you didn't skimp. The best way to put it is that it was almost as if Real Life You had experienced a transformation into a werewolf before and somehow recorded every second of it.
Another reason I love it was the narrator's voice. It was so natural, so easy to read, so easy to follow. And coming back to the natural part... again, almost as if you'd turned into a werewolf before and managed to record every second of it. And these little touches you added here and there:
Even if that's something you do, and even if this is just the novel of what would happen if you turned into a werewolf, that sort of detail I quoted above... The honesty of it. I'm having trouble being articulate about it, but... it's just so dang... perfect. Because people do say things in their heads in strange ways, and you captured the bizarre ways people think and act and talk when they're by themselves.
Here was another favorite moment:
That's just the sort of natural thought procession someone would go through. It was so freaking' believable. You could have gone on and on about how great it was to run, or gone on and on about the wolf's senses, or what people would think, but no, you got the perfect thought. And you pulled it before it went into a tangent.
Frankly, I'm somewhat scared by how you got the details so perfect. (...are you a werewolf...?
So, yeah, the narrator's voice and thoughts and commentary... brilliant.
Another reason I loved this: it was funny. This ties into the narrator's voice, but it was funny. I almost choked on the popcorn I was eating. The narrator's plain honesty was part of that. Like here:
I relate. My heart goes out to your narrator. My thoughts when going down a dark alley? Not, "Oh, some dude with a knife is going to come get me" but "Mutant rat with lightsaber." And so, it made me laugh, that moment of connection.
I have never read such a believable werewolf transition.
Heck... you could start the novel like this. Forget the other chapters (which I'm going to go read...).
Now, though... let's see if we can turn this into some serious awesome sauce.
First, I think you should delete the ellipses (the dot dot dots). They're just distracting.
Also... punctuation. You've got run-on sentence problems something fierce. Take just your last sentence:
That should be two sentences. Turn that comma into a period!
Basically, the rule is as follows: each sentence gets one subject and one predicate. No more. Strict rations these days. You can, of course, combine two complete sentences together, but you can't do it with just a comma. That's like trying to hold something together with a cheap school glue stick glue (those things never work).
Here's a good article on run-on sentences for ya: topic64802.html. Let me know if you have any questions on those, though, and I can help you out. I'm one of those weird grammar freaks.
Now, you've also got some capitalization problems going on, mainly with the lowercase i's... but the truth is, I was so engrossed in the story that I didn't notice them until now. (Still, you'll want to fix those up.)
And... I've got to go now, so this review's gonna end here. But again, awesome work. Filled with energy and imagination and detail and humor and everything's that's delicious in a story. Let me know if you edit and fix the punctuation and spelling and such! And also let me know if you have any questions on anything I said here. Just come bug me on my Wall.
Rach