I felt my eyes bulge out of my head and my mouth drop open in total shock. "Wh-What?!" I stuttered.
She sighed and looked at me expectantly.
Ok, so let me get this straight. I meet some random girl in the woods who says her name is supposedly 'Evangeline' and she wants to join my pack? Wow, was everyone a werewolf these days? This was just too weird. Though, she had offered to help me get home.
"What are you talking about? My pack?" I said, cautiously. She made another overly exaggerated sigh and rolled her eyes at me.
"Do I have to spell it out for you? I" She began to draw out her words slowly. "want to [i]join your pack.[/i]”
"Are you a..." I wasn't sure I should say the word unless she meant something completely different than the pack I was thinking about.
"A werewolf? What other pack did you think I was talking about? So are you going to let me join or not?"
I stared at her dumbfoundedly. She was asking me to invite her into my pack while being that rude? That didn't exactly make someone want to let you into their pack.
"Sure. Whatever." I wasn’t about to say no. After I got home then I'll maybe lead her back to the pack. If I feel like it. Evangeline squealed like a little girl at Christmas time and pulled me into a bear hug.
My arms sat stiffly at my side.
"Lets go to my place first." It sounded a lot more like a command since she grabbed my wrist and literally dragged me across the forest. Who was this girl?!
After about 10 minutes of walking, we got onto a wide dirt path. We walked in silence, not sure what to say. As we rounded a corner, Evangeline broke the bubble of silence.
"We’re here!" My eyes popped out of my head as we walked toward her so called "Vacation House." This thing was bigger than my school! Evangeline bounded up to the house and opened the door, grinning widely.
She must have seen my expression because she said, "My father has A LOT of money. He buys me loads of crap, thinking he could make me love him through his money." She sighed, her expression distant. "He’s always gone."
I tried nodding in response but it came out looking like a neck spasm since I was still hugely shocked by her house. I felt like a lump of poo compared to this thing. We went inside and I practically fainted. It was even more marvelous than the outside if that was even possible. As she led me through the house, I began drooling over everything. The furniture and technology in here was more advanced than anything I'd ever imagined! We finally got to something that looked like a closet but one that was the size of my room. I gaped at all the many clothes selections there were.
"Nothing in here has been worn; I have another closet for them. Pick whatever you want and the bathrooms right there." She pointed at a door in the corner that was almost hidden by huge shelves filled with shoes. Before I could say anything else, she was gone. I stared around the room hopelessly and decided to take a shower before I even thought about putting my grimy hands all over these model-worthy clothes.
I walked into what was most likely the world's hugest, most phenomenal bathroom. It's only downfall was that everything was a bright neon . I shook my head in disbelief and peeled off my dirt covered clothes. It didn't seem possible to get this dirty after just two days in the woods! Then again, I had been lying under a log...
I stepped into the shower, smiling at the feeling of warm water running down my back. I was pretty sure I'd overdosed my skin with so much of the wondrous Strawberry Body Wash Soap that I'd smell like it for days. I poured shampoo onto my knotted hair and scrubbed profusely until my hair felt clean. Why couldn't I have been smart enough to put my hair up into a pony tail before I left? I tore the brush through my hair until there weren't any knots left. When I finished with my glorious shower, I hopped out and wrapped a huge, fuzzy towel around myself.
Eve was laying down on the floor, texting on her touch-screen phone when I came out of the bathroom. She glanced up quickly and finished off whatever she was typing.
"Okay, so I decided I'm just going to start you out fresh. One, you need a new bag. Two, you need, need, NEED new clothes, and Three, I'm thinking we should just pull an all out girls day and get to know each other." She gleamed widely at me. Yeah, this girl was officially crazy but hopefully she wouldn't change personalities again on me. This was going to be a pretty long day.
She'd already laid out some clothes for me to try on. The first one was a shiny, purple shirt that had ruffles down the chest. It hugged against my mid-section, making it look like I had more hip than I did. To go along with it, Eve had made me put on a black pencil skirt that came up about 3in. from my knee. It was cute, but it definitely wasn't my style. The second was a white halter top with gold lining, dark-wash skinny jeans, and light-grey boots. Now this was something I'd wear.
Throughout the remainder of the evening, Eve gave me a manicure, made me take a new bag and two more changes of clothes. She'd even gotten me to try "Purple Pepsi Sprite." It consisted of so many different drinks that I'd lost count. It wasn't that bad, it had actually been quite addictive. We even watched The Lion King and sang along to each song. When the movie finished, we went up to Eve's room where she all of a sudden began spilling all the things she'd kept bottled up.
"My dad doesn't even want to be around me anymore. He sends me loads of money but never even tries to talk to me. My mom died when I was born and I guess my dad kind of blames me for that... He really loved her you know." Her eyes were watering and her face crumpled up like she was about to break down. I instinctively pulled her into a tight hug and let her cry on my shoulder for a few minutes. I took back all of my stereotypes and bad thoughts about her immediately, seeing that she only needed a friend.
We continued talking until sometime around 1am. We were drunk off our tiredness and said things that made no sense at all. When she left, I changed into a loose T-shirt and shorts. Despite my exhaustion, I stayed up for a while after that just laying in bed and thinking.
The next morning after we got ready, Eve led me down to a garage. By now, I should have been used to everything here being so incredibly, profusely amazing but I couldn't. I gasped when I saw what was in the garage. It too was bigger than anything I'd ever seen in my life. What was up with her dad?! I cracked my fingers anxiously as she slid into the front seat of a spotless, all black 2011 Dodge Challenger.
"You can drive?"
"Yeah, I got my license last week." I raised my eyebrows at her questioningly. She chuckled and said, "Hey! I'm actually a pretty good driver!." She smiled reassuringly at me. I shook my head, laughing. "But if we get caught by the police, I'll just say you forced me to drive you." Now she was the one cracking up.
I rubbed the leather seats admiringly. This was the type of car I'd always dreamed of having. "So where are we going?"
"Home," I said. To see my mom and to learn if she really did know about my whole situation. To find out why she hadn't sent the police to save her daughter yet...
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Heya,
As a person who also writes fantasy fiction (y'all know, Werewolves, Vampires... all that jazz!) When I saw you title I was immediately intrigued. I enjoyed your chapter and I'm thinking about going back and reading the rest. Your writing style is good and well structured. Though sometimes it does seem slightly blocky... like you are just saying things that are happening without going into much depth, if you get what I mean. Sometimes I think your writing is too casual, like someone put before me:
want to JOOOINNNN your paaaaackkk.
and:
Wow, was everyone a werewolf these days?!
When you write Join like that it just confuses me, I get it she really wants to join the pact and thats okay but seriously you do not need to write all that.
When people write the whole ?! thing it annoys me... Choose one and use it!
Anyway I enjoyed it and am looking forward to reading the rest of it sometime.
Happy Review Day:
Evenslily x
Hello, cookEmonster.
And if not, feel free to disregard my review.
First thing I noticed was this,
I felt my eyes bulge out of my head and my mouth drop open in total shock. "Wh-What?!" I stuttered.
These should be grouped together because they all belong to the one character.
She sighed and looked at me expectantly. This is a different character's actions.
Ok, so let me get this straight. I meet some random girl in the woods who says her name is supposedly 'Evangeline' and wants to join my pack. So she’s a werewolf too? Wow, was everyone a werewolf these days?! This is too much to take in. But she had offered to help me get home...
Then this is back to the Main Character.
Second was this,
"want to JOOOINNNN your paaaaackkk.”
Unless you're writing for a comic, avoid doing this. You don't need to draw words out like this, it just disrupts the whole text. You could add maybe one adjective to this as a speech tag to tell us how it was said. That would be better.
Again with this,
"A werewolf? Obviously. Soo, are you going to let me meet your pack or not? I have better things to do you know."
This is one character's speech.
I gave her an unbelieving stare. She was asking me to invite her into my pack while being that rude? That doesn’t exactly win you someone's affection.
This is the MC's. They need to be separated.
Also, if she has better things to do, why is she wasting her time wanting to meet the pack?
I think affection is the wrong word too. affection to me is either referring to romantic affection or kind affection like you'd give your pet. So unless you mean either of those, change the word.
Evangeline squealed like a little girl at Christmas time and pulled me into a bear hug.
Need to be separated because they belong to different characters.
My arms sat stiffly at my side, showing my confusion by the sudden change in personality.
Okay, telling, and stating the obvious which is a tad repetitive.
By her before saying she had better things to do shows she wasn't that interested, and when he says okay, and she squeals so happy like a kid at Christmas, we see the sudden change. No need to tell us that it happened.
Same thing with, my arm sat stiffly at my side, showing my confusing...
When you show us something, don't tell us your trying to show it. Just show it, and no need to tell as well.
Just show the arm stiff at the MC's side, and that's it.
Anyway, I think that's enough for you to look over for now. This is all just my opinion.
I like the story, despite starting at chapter 13, I'm intrigued.
Hope this helps.