We all have something we want badly, yet know we can’t have. That thing I’m wanting right now is to be free and not stuck here; to be running through the forest freely with that wolf… even though if my brain thought realistically, that wolf most likely saw me as another piece of meat to eat. Then again, I’m not the type of person to think like that. It’s been two days since I saw the wolf. I’ve mostly been staring out of the window hoping to catch another glimpse of that magnificent animal. I finally decided to quit that and go down to the dusty library. I sat in one of the chairs and started reading the journal by Dansi Falcons. I flipped to the third page and began reading:
“I had my first change. It was… incredibly horrible." I reread the sentence, a little confused but decided to keep on reading. "There are no words to explain the pain felt by my body… The only way to explain the feeling is to imagine feeling every detail of your bones being slowly broken and replaced to different parts of your body." Ew, this is such a weird fiction book! "I threw up multiple times until there was nothing else to come up and felt like the pain would never end. You’d expect a person to go into shock and become numb but you felt it all. Being a half breed, the wolf took over after the change. I had and still have no idea what happened… I woke up in the forest, naked, cold, and covered in blood. It was everywhere." If that were me, I think I'd have just about fainted, I thought.
"I walked around but could not find my way for a long time. Well not for days, actually. If I were to be a werewolf, I’d rather be a purebred, not a mutt. As a pure, the change doesn’t hurt except for the first time, you can control when you want to do it and the most important thing, and you can control what you do as a wolf. Then there’s us half-breeds; we get all the worst parts of it- We change at full moon, it hurts worse than anything you’ve ever felt or will feel, and the wolf takes over after the change." Hm, If I were a werewolf, I wouldn't want to be a half breed! "It takes years- almost a whole life time, to master over getting the memories of what you do in wolf form. If you are reading this journal at the moment, then you are most likely of the werewolf kind. If you are a female, then you are that of the prophecy…”
The entry ended with that sentence and I wondered what the prophecy was supposedly of. Maybe it would explain it in the next chapter! I read some more but it was just a log about random stuff. After sitting there, bored out of my mind,
It was pretty cold outside and I didn’t have the appropriate clothing but I didn’t care- I was free! Tears flooded down my cheeks and I was suddenly overwhelmed. How could I have just run out this easily? An uneasy feeling ambushed me and I felt the need to go back to the house, like something was pulling me back.
Stay. Something in my mind told me. It was confusing, I wasn’t the one thinking that but I knew it was from somewhere inside me. I had a sudden itching feeling inside me; like something wanted to come out but I fought it down. Like something had hypnotized me, I walked back to the house. Any thought I had was beat back down to the back of my mind. It felt right to go back to the house. It felt like I was supposed to be here, I belonged here. There was that little nagging in the back of my mind, telling me to take the advantage of escaping but something stronger told it to shut up and for me to get back to the house. I obeyed and snuck in, running to my room. This was definitely an odd day, I thought. But that soon escaped my mind as a loud crashing sound filled the house.
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
I'm going to jump right in, but I haven't read previous installments so my comments will be more about style than plot content!
I'd like to see you revisit the thing about the doorknob suddenly opening-- if she's been trapped long enough to cry upon realizing she's free, I don't feel like there was enough build-up to the opening of the door. You can't just say" I wasn't thinking, and it opened!" Explore that more so when it opens, readers are surprised too. Also, You started to explain how it felt to be redirected back to the house, but I'd like to see more. Did her mind think to fight back, or was it filled with fog? What did she feel once she obeyed and was back inside?
PM me for anything!
First of all, check the little button titled "story" at the bottom of the submission post box-- that'll give you paragraph spacing so it's not this jumbled mess of text that's hard for readers to digest. It'll probably get you more review.
The first paragraph, especially the second half, read very choppily. You have limited sentence variation, which makes every period you place act as a speed bump that jerks your readers to sudden halt after sudden halt. Try to spice up your sentence structure-- long sentences will multiple clauses, then short, simple ones, then some in between.
I like the werewolf folklore and information here, although when you're character is reading the passage, I think you should include some of their reactions and thoughts within it. Right now it's like the character completely disappears for a while, and that absence is especially felt since it's in first person. Stop the text once or twice to let readers see how your character is reacting.
Also, your inclusion of the word "weird" twice at the end is a weak choice. "Weird" is, in general, a weak adjective, and when you're dealing with werewolves and subtle mind-control, you're going to have to get a lot more interesting and evocative than "weird".
Anyway, that's my little advice.
~Evi
heya, read a few of your chapters for this novel. Looks like it has potential. I think youve dragged out your characters imprisonment for a bit to long though, however, saying that i havent even read every single chapter so im just making assumptions
I think you need to step up the pace a bit.
I like the concepts you are bringing into the overall concept of "werewolf lore" such as the pure breeds and half breed "muts" etc.
Yeah anyways i was just trying to give you some encouragement. I think you need to provide the readers with a little bit of action or drama. And also you need to build your man character up more. Go deeper into his concious, hes imprisoned for gods sake, hes going to be trapped in his own thoughts hours on end so there really should be some deep thoughts going on. This can help build your character up allowing the reader to really connect with them, noone cares about a main character that they have no emotional attachment to. Anyways, keep up the good work!