I cracked my eyes open to find blinding sunlight attacking my eyes. I slammed my eyelids shut immediately and groaned. I really needed to learn how to shut my blinds more often! I wonder if mom and dad made breakfast yet, I thought on impulse. A smile crept on my face and I jumped out of my big, comfy bed. That’s when I realized where and what I was. Mom and Dad would be ashamed of me. I could just imagine the horror on their faces if they found out! The more I thought about it, the more I wished my life went back to being normal. Hadn't Sage said something about them knowing? But that'd be impossible. My parents are so... normal. They would never let their daughter be kidnapped, then turn into a... werewolf. I still have a grudge against Ronex for the day they took me here and he'd scared the poo out of me. That was mean. I pouted at the memory then went to take a shower.
The shower always did wondrous things, like remembering what happened last night. That was plain creepy and scary. How did I NOT have a night mare about that?! Maybe it was just a nightmare.... Hmm, a very life-like nightmare that is. I probably woke up from it but went right back to sleep and didn't remember doing so. UGH, who am I kidding? Hey... wait a minute... How come its all guys here and not one girl besides me?! They're all good looking too... Grr.
I stalked down the stairs, my hunger was only intensified by my bad mood. If someone saw me right now, they'd probably think I was a zombie! I picked up my pace as I hit the last step. The smell of something utterly delicious was everywhere. What was it? Nothing I'd smelled before... I followed my enhanced smelling all the way to the giant freezer door. What if there’s a dead body in here?! Ehh, I watch too much CSI and Criminal minds... I pulled on the lever gently and the door swung wide open. My mouth watered at the different smells that hit me but my eyes were disgusted by what they were seeing. The freezer was filled with meat. All meat, huge meat, Every-Single-corner meat! I'm a vegetarian who is disgusted, well supposed to be disgusted, by meat yet here I am drooling (literally, I just wiped some away that dribbled onto my chin) over it. I grimaced as I stepped closer to the fridge but furrowed my eyebrows. Wow, hate and love really do have a fine line between them! I sighed, shutting the door with a small slam. The smells still lingered everywhere.
I got out a bowl and poured some Frosted Flakes in it. I then proceeded to rampage through the whole house in 'search for milk.' Of course, how could anyone forget the milk was in the fridge? I poured the cold milk in but in the back of my mind, there was some sort of disgust for it.
Meat! MEAAATT! ...pwease? The image of the cutest puppy I'd ever seen popped up in my mind. It had those cute little, begging, puppy eyes too. Then I realized, I hadn't thought that thought up! This was the SECOND time this happened to me! Well at least I think it was. That day was a little fuzzy for me. Maybe I'm starting to talk to myself! I thought. I'd read those books about people who had gone crazy and had voices in there heads... They all ended up in psycho wards. Lucky me!
Your NOT a psycho you silly deer poo. 'Cause if you were, I would be too! I froze as if I were on pause with my mouth hanging wide open and my hand in mid-air with a spoon of Frosted Flakes that I was about to shovel into my tummy. WHAT IN THE WORLD. Ok, I need some sleep; I think I woke up too early. Off to bed I go!
I ditched my poor cereal and sprinted up stairs to my room. I took a huge leap from the doorway to my bed. I flopped down on the mattress, bouncing a few times from the impact. I was too lazy to get under the covers so I just laid down, limbs spread out. I waited patiently for sleep to come. After some while of staring at my very boring ceiling wall and thinking about nothing, I did.
SAGE'S VIEW:
I started heading to the house. It was raining so hard that it only took seconds for my fur to get thoroughly soaked. I picked up my pace, getting soaked wasn't exactly my favorite thing to do. I climbed up the porch steps and shook my body rapidly, spewing water all over anything dry. It was faster to shake the water out of my fur in wolf form and turn back to human form, semi-wet rather than not doing it to change back, dripping wet.
The thought of Kamalia popped back in my head and my wolf went into protective mode. I'm not sure why but every time I think of her, see her, smell, or even hear her, my wolf fights to come out and protect her. I'm trying to figure out why but I've had no progress. I changed back into human form so my wolf didn't have the advantage of me already in that form. I growled at it mentally and made my way upstairs. The sound of deep breathing caught at the tips of my ears. I followed it to Kamalia’s room to find her passed out on her bed.
I almost woke her up right then and there to tell her what she really was but I stopped myself just in time. It was up to me to protect her from herself and the Blood Fang Pack. Earlier when I was in the woods, I'd smelled an old, faint scent of Kamalia's fear and one of the members of the Blood Fangs causing it. How scared she must have been... I should have been there to help her. To save her! I beat myself up mentally and stalked out of the room. I went into my own bland room and glared at the wall. Why'd this have to be so complicated?
It’s a good thing she doesn’t know the smell of a lie yet… But she will soon.
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Canary word: Present
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,836 Reviews
So, I still haven't read all the chapters. I want to so much, but I keep getting distracted. The cool thing is, though, that I've read maybe 4 and 6 and 7 and now 10, but I still have this feel of what's going on in the plot. What I want from the chapters I haven't read is just more of the characters, more of the description, more of their voices. I want more of it as a whole, not just the plot. That, more than anything, tells me how fantastic this is.
The switch to Sage's POV in this chapter is only reaffirming my suspicions that you are on to something with this story. I could hear and feel and tell the difference between Sage and Kamalia. I felt Kamalia's newness to the life of a werewolf, and I felt Sage's familiarity with it. In other words, I believed both narratives, both portrayals, both characters. I'm still in awe of how you do it, of how you get every little detail so perfect, so real. I guess the important thing is that you don't stop.
Keep doing whatever it is you're doing. It's wonderful and refreshing and inspiring all the same.
Also, I love the fact that she's a vegetarian. That's a detail I didn't get until now (maybe it was in the other chapters, maybe not) but there was a certain irony to it that made me laugh. Also, when she called herself a silly poo, I laughed again. So fantastic.
My comments of critique are on the more nitpicky end. There were a few parts where I got confused. Maybe you could reword them?
I think the problem in this one is the first sentence. So, the shower is the one doing the remembering, or it's making her remember what happened last night?
Another problem is with the tenses. If you drop it down into past perfect--"That had been plain creepy and scary. How had I NOT had a nightmare about that?!" for just a little while, a sentence or two, the reader'll get the idea that this happened before, not presenting. Because simple past is the present as far as the story is concerned. So you have to go one past back to make it back. (I'm sure I just made that way more confusing.)
Something similar crops up with the tenses here:
All the subject-verb bits I've bolded are in present tense, while your story is in past. Usually, I'd tell you to make it consistent, but here the present does add an interesting layer, a layer that there are two stories going on, and Sage is telling us what happened while also saying that he still doesn't know why his wolf comes out to fight, etc. Which is neat. But might not be what you intended, though. Up to you.
One last grammar note...
"Didn't" should be "wouldn't". If you want, I could give you the break down on why, but for now I'll just point it out.
And, that's it. If you have any questions or comments or want to chat, let me know!
Rach