"You should have gone before class."
White hot pee scorches my bladder,
mixing with my natural urges and
making them even stronger.
Were I less timid,
the pee would be burning through
my shorts, the desk, the floor,
dripping downstairs into the principal's office
in triumphant defiance.
Instead, I nod my head, duly reproved,
silently hoping that one day the boiling pee might
carve a hole through my body, perhaps even enough
to earn me the trophy of the bathroom pass
hanging on the wall,
within my reach, yet not.
My bladder starts in hope at the bell's ring,
pee threatening to bubble over--
they will not wait any longer,
so I make a detour from my next class to their home,
bell ringing once more as I walk back out.
My anatomy is finally satisfied,
but my teacher is not.
I walk into the seated classroom:
"Do you have a note?"
White hot blood trembles through my arms--
were I less timid, they'd reach into the plumbing,
and forcefully fling the still-hot pee in her face.
Instead, I shake my head, duly reproved.
--
A/N: Poetry jams do strange things to me. As usual, looking for title suggestions!
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,738 Reviews
Hello, Godly here for a review and happy review day!
Wow. Just wow. For such a strange topic this poem is really good! Your descriptions are cleverly thought out and give strong imagery for the reader to experience. The great thing about this unlikely poem is that it is relatable. The idea that everything becomes magnetised in influence matches the over exaggeration of the poem. The representation of the desperation for a hall pass shows how being allowed to go to the toilet is like gaining a key to your true desires creating the relatable idea of nothing else matters. The idea of being less timid confused me at first but I quickly got the gist that if they won't let you go to the toilet you might as well use the place you are now. Everyone thinks this at least once, but no one is brave enough to actually follow through with it. An unexpected thought in an unexpected topic to say the least! The narrator is well developed in the sense that they feel unable to defy the teacher thus creating a good student air that has to suffer the idea of being afraid of getting told off. They want to do something but their mind restricts them so.
Overall an awesome poem with a really good, memorable idea to it that is well explored.
All the best,
Godly
So. A poem about pee.
I am going to tell you why this works for me. I think that in poetry, like all art forms, whether it be films, performance art, plays-- it's easy to go for the "shock value" and those shocking things are fun, it jolts us awake from the usual and from the routine, but it runs the danger of coming across as gimmicky. Like a poem that is BEGGING for attention, spoiled and all that.
This does NOT come across this way and I love it for that! And here's why it works - your attention to the symmetry and form and the speaker respective at the beginning and end, is what I love about this the most, bladder issues aside. It's the moment when, you realize at the end, the pent up anger towards the teacher, the holding in that anger, the refraining to act on your impulses to 'mark your territory' so to speak on that poor teacher's face -- it's the same bottling up/pent up action that we experience in the beginning of the poem, to the speaker holding in their pee. In the beginning, it's funny, it's comedy, the speaker holds their bladder.
In the end, it's serious, it's personal. It's relatable. It's human. We're not just holding in pee, we're holding in our anger now, we're holding in our true feelings and emotions. The pee has become a metaphor. This is cool stuff, this is a journey happening here in a span of a few stanzas.
My only suggestions for this - avoid "white hot" -- I dig the repetition, I like how you use it to describe both the anger and the pee -- keep the symmetry there. But change just the words? It's funny and comical in this instance, but it's cliche. Especially at the end because white hot anger is too easy. And the end is when you need the most power and impact. I think you can come up with something more clever.
Hopes this helps.
~ as always, Audy
Thank you!
White-hot Boiling Bladder Woes